Blah, just blah. Again, I am up way, way, way too late and must wake up early. I really need to fix my sleep schedule. Tonight, it could be being pestered by the dance rigmarole, but I am also feeling odd about the "surprise" visit from my SO. Tomorrow, I will travel over to my sister's place, where he will surprise me. Cleaning kept getting put off and I haven't packed yet--it could be that, too. Or my general grumpiness and blueness lately.
There is a part of me that is excited and will likely become more excited when more things are in place and I do see him, but I also feel like I am dragging my heels a bit and am less excited than I should be. I feel a bit like I have finally settled in to a routine of communicating long-distance after recently seeing him and now all of that will be unsettled again when I see him and then I will have to recover from going from elated coupledom back to lonely isolation when he leaves. It's truly great to see him and to know that he made all this effort is really special, but I just have the blahs. I am concerned that the perpetual long-distance is taking a bit of a toll on me (especially since I haven't been so happy lately and have had a lot of my Mom hammering in that the LDR is only making me feel worse, distracting me from the job search, and very likely will be unsuccessful and leave me broken-hearted...maybe some of that has seeped in).
Do you think it's normal to not be ecstatic and even, I venture, meh before a visit (or normal given the combination of things going on in my life)? Or is my semi-blah feeling indicative that I may need to do some soul-searching to see if the relationship has fizzled a bit for me (I think this all ties back in to him not being able to say "I love you" yet...no, I wouldn't want him to say it without meaning it, but when I saw him last and he said he wasn't ready...that was just an injury that burrowed in to my heart and, whether I wanted it or not, has caused me to erect a bit of a wall, so that my heart doesn't quite fly into the starry climes of elation like it did. I still love him, but there is definitely an icky scar tissue wall up. ...then, again, if successfully planning a surprise visit around school, work, funds, and with the cooperation of my sometimes unsupportive (of LDRs) family doesn't say "I love you" in a different way...)
...and...with that...I think I am going to try and get some sleep. I hope this sort of makes sense, as I am surely nodding off (finally!).
There is a part of me that is excited and will likely become more excited when more things are in place and I do see him, but I also feel like I am dragging my heels a bit and am less excited than I should be. I feel a bit like I have finally settled in to a routine of communicating long-distance after recently seeing him and now all of that will be unsettled again when I see him and then I will have to recover from going from elated coupledom back to lonely isolation when he leaves. It's truly great to see him and to know that he made all this effort is really special, but I just have the blahs. I am concerned that the perpetual long-distance is taking a bit of a toll on me (especially since I haven't been so happy lately and have had a lot of my Mom hammering in that the LDR is only making me feel worse, distracting me from the job search, and very likely will be unsuccessful and leave me broken-hearted...maybe some of that has seeped in).
Do you think it's normal to not be ecstatic and even, I venture, meh before a visit (or normal given the combination of things going on in my life)? Or is my semi-blah feeling indicative that I may need to do some soul-searching to see if the relationship has fizzled a bit for me (I think this all ties back in to him not being able to say "I love you" yet...no, I wouldn't want him to say it without meaning it, but when I saw him last and he said he wasn't ready...that was just an injury that burrowed in to my heart and, whether I wanted it or not, has caused me to erect a bit of a wall, so that my heart doesn't quite fly into the starry climes of elation like it did. I still love him, but there is definitely an icky scar tissue wall up. ...then, again, if successfully planning a surprise visit around school, work, funds, and with the cooperation of my sometimes unsupportive (of LDRs) family doesn't say "I love you" in a different way...)
...and...with that...I think I am going to try and get some sleep. I hope this sort of makes sense, as I am surely nodding off (finally!).
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