After 2.5 years of long-distance relationship, I met someone else I really like

[aya91]

Premise: I'm a really shy, introverted guy who rarely takes the initiative to speak to someone, I have very poor social skills and I'm bad at communicating.

My current relationship has is long-distance and has been going on for 2.5 years so far. We're both 25. We see each other every two or three months and skype every day when we're apart. It's a complicated premise to start with. On top of that, this relationship hasn't been going well for quite a while. She gets angry at me really quickly and when we're together we end up having smaller or bigger arguments every few days. She also suffers from depression, which makes me end up being there for her, but her rarely there for me. She's also a lovely, good-looking girl and I used to really, really love her. I'm not so sure anymore.
I don't want to blame the relationship's downfall only on her. She usually gets angry because of me "being distant" or "not showing enough emotions". She is very insecure, has daily mood swings and needs constant reassurance and affection. It's pretty obvious at this point that I'm not the right guy for her, and she's not the right girl for me. We both cling to each other.

This week at my university I met a person [20F] whom I instantly grew fond of, and it made me realise how wrong my relationship feels at the moment. Even though I have not been unfaithful, I feel really guilty. I actually doubt that she feels the same way about me, but the fact that she initiated a conversation, that we managed to talk for a long time (within a group of people, never alone) and that we have tons of common interests makes me totally blind. I spend every second of the day thinking of her, hoping that she likes me too. And it feels really wrong.
I'm really afraid of quitting 2.5 years of relationship for someone I just met, who is possibly not even interested. I feel like I should appreciate what I have now, get over myself, sort out the issues with my girlfriend and work on improving our relationship. I don't want to break her heart, it would devastate her, especially in the state she's in now.

TL;DR: My current relationship is not going well, and I just met another girl I really like. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I have to act fast.

[sasad]

Well, you pretty much said it yourself..It's pretty obvious at this point that I'm not the right guy for her, and she's not the right girl for me. We both cling to each other.

If you are not happy, in spite of meeting someone else, and you both are negative and cant or don't want to work it out, then end it. Why on earth would you just "settle" for someone. How is that fair to either of you?

You need to step away from the girl, and do some serious soul searching. You need to figure out what's good for you.

PS- It really is ok to have a friend of the opposite sex. Really.

[Sparkling72]

It sounds like you already made up your mind that you are unhappy. You don't anyone's approval to break up with her. And don't just stay with the 2 1/2 yr girl just b/c it's been 2 1/2 yrs either. I am going to go out on a limb here and say you are fearing breaking up with her b/c of the backlash you'll get. While this may be true, you owe it to yourself to be happy. the storm will blow over, and you'll get on with your life. This other girl you met in person doesn't really have anything to do with it, other than it further confirmed your current unhappiness and realized that there are other people out there who would be interested in you. Be true to yourself first and foremost! There is nothing wrong with being happy and putting yourself first every now and then.

[lovestoread]

It sounds to me like you really need to think long and hard about this and what you really want,I get and understand that you don't want to hurt your girlfriend by breaking up with her,but you just need to think long and hard about this,just don't rush into a new relationship.

[Harlequin]

There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship of any length if it gets to a point where it's not working out anymore and cannot be fixed. If you and your girlfriend aren't right for each other, then you're simply not right for each other, and that's a perfectly legitimate reason to end the relationship.

Now, I definitely don't think you should break up with your girlfriend for this new girl. She's new, so she's all shiny and cool and wonderful and stuff, but you don't really know her. And like you pointed out, you don't even know how she feels. She could be really well-suited to you, or she could be a completely different person behind closed doors. Right now, I feel like you might be infatuated with the idea of her and how she seems to represent the sort of relationship you wish you had. I wouldn't pursue her at all, honestly. I agree with everyone else who suggested you take some time to yourself before diving into anything new.

So break up with your girlfriend if you want, but don't rush into anything new after.

[erwin1973]

I absolutely agree the 'because you're together for already 2½ year' that is absolutely NOT a legimate reason to stay together. I have been married for over 10 years before I (finally) decided it was not the right relationship for me. So...

If you feel you and her no longer are a good or perfect match, you should draw your conclusions. If you think it can be worked out, work on that. I know it is hard to be in an LDR and more hard when one is depressed. If you feel you still love her, be there for her even if she cannot be there for you. If you feel the love is gone, how hard it may be, let her go.

[hmrambling]

I've been where you are. Speaking from my experience, I am going to encourage you to look at these questions:

1. Have you found something/someone new and exciting, therefore trying to justify that things are wrong in your current relationship? (BTDT.... wanted the new person, therefore found flaws in the old person)
2. Have you examined why you've stayed in the relationship that you're in?
3. Are you being honest with yourself about why you're now open to being attracted to another woman?
4. What is your motive for needing to do something right now?

I ask these questions because when I was younger, my MO was to find the next fling before I honestly terminated the existing relationship. When I looked at why I was in the existing relationship, it was basically because I didn't want to be alone or didn't want to be lonely. Surely, the next newest hottest thing coming alone would fix my lonely, right? Wrong. The next newest, hottest thing only pacified me for a while, and then I would repeat the cycle.

And my cycle seemed to be around 3 years. I have no idea why. A therapist once suggested that once I had ample time to get to know the person that I was dating that I was no longer interested in that person, and didn't really like the person that I came to know. That has been the only person who ever tried to reason why there might be a 3 year cycle.

Just some food for thought.

So in short, staying with someone simply because you've been with her for 2.5 years oftentimes is not the answer. Dig deeper to find out what the real answer is.

[aya91]

I've been where you are. Speaking from my experience, I am going to encourage you to look at these questions:

1. Have you found something/someone new and exciting, therefore trying to justify that things are wrong in your current relationship? (BTDT.... wanted the new person, therefore found flaws in the old person)
2. Have you examined why you've stayed in the relationship that you're in?
3. Are you being honest with yourself about why you're now open to being attracted to another woman?
4. What is your motive for needing to do something right now?

I ask these questions because when I was younger, my MO was to find the next fling before I honestly terminated the existing relationship. When I looked at why I was in the existing relationship, it was basically because I didn't want to be alone or didn't want to be lonely. Surely, the next newest hottest thing coming alone would fix my lonely, right? Wrong. The next newest, hottest thing only pacified me for a while, and then I would repeat the cycle.

Thanks for all the replies!

1. I believe meeting someone new was just a trigger to let my unhappiness come to the surface. I've felt things were wrong before (and actually, so has she, she has wanted to break up many times, and it was me who kept her from doing so), I just hoped that we could improve and work on it.
2. I'm a person of habit, and so is she. And there are of course some positive things between us.
3. I think if I were happy with my current relationship it would be a lot easier to filter out those feelings make them disappear again. But meeting someone new while being frustrated is really a toxic mixture. It just makes we want to run away from everything.
4. Guilt. I feel guilty even being friends with the other girl (which is what we are right now).

Of course, love makes blind, in this case I'm double blind and I might simply not be able to see how things really are.

[C.C.]

3. I think if I were happy with my current relationship it would be a lot easier to filter out those feelings make them disappear again. But meeting someone new while being frustrated is really a toxic mixture. It just makes we want to run away from everything.
4. Guilt. I feel guilty even being friends with the other girl (which is what we are right now).

I was in the EXACT same situation. Me and my former SO hit rock bottom, we argued, he had doubts about me/us and umm my friend wasn't someone new but it coincided that he was there physically around that time and I got to open up with him (as a friend) about issues in my life in general and dunno got closer to him as a person.
He never knew either and there was never anything more than platonic friendship between us.
Umm then it happened this way, me and my then SO struggled going back to track for a couple of weeks and we couldn't really, at one point he got sure umm in our relationship being worth it basically and realising negative stuff he felt weren't more important and he figured its cause. But that wouldn't repair the issues of course.
And I had been feeling like I wanted out for a while already.
And at the same time I got to meet my friend regularly at uni and I figured out I had developed feelings for him.
Then I told my then SO cause I don't do hiding things. And you can imagine how he felt, then after 2-3 days I realised I couldn't keep the situation going (it was unfair on both of us) as fucked up it was and broke it off. Despite having known that we hadn't given our all to it. I felt really really guilty and awful too because of it. Because let's admit, despite not being able to help it, feeling stuff towards someone else while in a relationship is a disaster.
Also in our case it was a fairly new relationship. It was on and off too, we started a year ago actually, he broke up with me in March last year, then we got back together in June, I broke up with him in September.
But in your case it's fairly long one and it means two things:
1. It's harder to give it up
2. It's more likely that you both have tried your best now and it's not gonna improve much more
Also how long can you keep the mess going? The guilt won't go anywhere unless you make a choice.


And I might sound like a little hypocrite because me and my former SO have been actively talking since Christmas, he's gonna visit me, we are gonna talk/discuss stuff, we are working on stuff/issues and taking it slow, etc etc.
But as much as he completely forgives me the situation and doesn't consider me at fault. He said that he would if I dragged the situation longer.
So, I won’t ask you to tell your SO or anything, but please please really think about what you want. And think about present the most, and whether you want to keep going and trying with your SO or not. What's important is handling your current relationship first, what your situation tells you is that you have issues there.
Also, best of luck. It's a sucky situation to be in

[Honour]

I think the others pretty much nailed it on the head. You shouldn't be with someone just because you feel inclined to hold onto a 2 and a half year relationship that may or may not be going anywhere. When my ex Chris and I split up, we'd been on and off for 3 whole years, and it was clear to everyone but me I was just clinging onto someone I no longer cared about just because he made me feel good for awhile but it was for all the wrong reasons. Don't cling onto false hope that everything "will be alright," because when a relationship has run its course like that, the only way for things to be ok is to end them.