Could My Lack Of Affection Destroy My Relationship?

[maybesomeday]

At the end of March I’ll be meeting my SO (we’re not “official” yet, this visit is to determine if a relationship is what we want, and if we’re willing to do the distance,) for the first time, and he has voiced his concerns about my lack of affection and how much it’ll impact him and our visit. A bit of information:

-I’m a severely inexperienced 23 year old.
-Never kissed anyone.
-Never had any sexual experiences.
-The first time I've (romantically) hugged or held a man’s hand was when I was 21.
-I find affection uncomfortable, both giving and receiving.

All of the above is practically the same for my SO, other than he found his affectionate side when his feelings grew for me. Unfortunately, the same thing hasn’t happened for me. I won’t use the word “desperate”, but he is incredibly keen to hold my hand, and especially share his first kiss with me when he visits for two weeks. I have told him not to expect it, and this has upset him. He feels he is being romantic in flying across the world for me; he feels he deserves to experience these forms of affection because he is spending all this money to come see me. If we do feel that physical connection, he wants to spend those two weeks as a couple, doing couple things. He wants to be loving and affectionate. He has said he feels I’m being selfish for saying no to the kissing and mostly anything affectionate, as he feels I’m doing so out of fear and insecurity. He’s not completely wrong, but in my mind I feel he should respect these boundaries I have. He said he’ll feel “upset/demoralised/angry” if I do not kiss him, he’ll assume I don’t like him, and that the trip would possibly be a wasted one. I’ve explained countless times that I’m kind of strange and old-fashioned, and I need to know that I’m giving my kiss away to someone who’ll be in my life long term. I personally believe my instincts will tell me if he is the right person, and when it is the right moment. He seems to think as long as we like each other, what does it matter. Well, it matters a lot to me. I’ll also quickly add that I’m an over-thinker and I’ve thought about every possible detail when it comes to kissing; all that can go wrong or right, and I think I ended up turning myself off the whole act. It's out of my comfort zone, and I really like my comfort zone.

Now I feel even more nervous about this trip; it has added extra pressure on me, because if I don’t show affection, if I don’t kiss him, he’s going to think the worst and feel miserable and unloved.

Anyway, to the point: could my lack of affection really destroy this (potential) relationship? I have never really worried about not being affectionate; to be honest I assumed I’d either find someone equally as unaffectionate, or someone who could easily accept it. According to my SO, he’s human and he needs love. My way of showing him I feel the same is subtle, I do it in my own way…I’m realising this may not be enough for him. But should I really be expected to change my nature?

[Honour]

I'm like... the complete opposite to you in some respects, not entirely though. I've never had any sexual experiences physically with someone else before, though I've held hands/kissed someone in the past. However, I find myself unable to not give lots of affection, I'll readily send gifts, be extremely romantic when the mood strikes me, etc. I was 16 when I had my first real taste of relationships and dating, but it didn't end up going anywhere. It was also my first real taste of verbal, and on one occasion physical, abuse too, so it made me extremely wary and mistrustful of people. I'm an overthinker too, and I'm old-fashioned in the sense that I want to give myself to someone I think is worthy of my affections and love, not just give it away meaninglessly and not treasure the moment, but I don't believe in the whole "no-sex-until-marriage" either :P I guess I had some similar concerns about my first meeting with my SO, in the sense that would I be ready to share myself sexually with him, kiss him, hold hands with him, be really romantic and go all-out or just let things progress naturally, etc etc. I think the best thing you can do is just discuss your concerns with him, as you say if he's like you he should understand, but also remember that you shouldn't be pressured into doing anything you don't want, even if it's just a kiss. Compromise, but don't change yourself just to fit the needs of someone else. If he really loves you/cares for you... he'll respect your wishes. You really shouldn't have to change your base personality just because someone doesn't like a certain aspect about you.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Do you think you've possibly just built it all up in your head that you feel like this and that when you're actually there with him you'll be fine? My SO was very like that and warned me she wasn't very affectionate and yet we spent most out time holding hands and cuddling. she even admitted to be before i left that she'd never felt the need to be affectionate like that and hadn't been like that with her previous partners but she just felt so safe and secure with me that she actually felt okay with being affectionate.

This is your first time meeting and i feel like a lot of us go into that expecting certain and dreading things and then realising after a couple of days together that we were worried for nothing and it was all just in our heads. You may not have a lot of experience and he may be asking for things you feel out of your depth with but if you explain to him tat you want to take it slow he should be understanding. Even setting little milestones like on the first day you'll only hold hands and share little kisses and then on the second day you'll try cuddling for a little bit. just take nice little baby steps to building up how much affection you show him and see how it goes.

But as Honour has said, if he doesn't respect this and wants you to change and be super affectionate and this makes you totally uncomfortable, you definitely shouldn't have to do that. Be safe and try find a compromise that will suit you both :3

[C.C.]

Take it easy, both of you.

See, you admitted it yourself, you need a right moment to feel right about doing it and a right person, not someone you just like. He, as I gathered, wants to be that right one and will feel awful if you don't express all that. However, you both need to understand that you can't and shouldn't assume anything for certain UNTIL you actually meet in person. Neither can you tell whether you will want to kiss him or not and neither can he tell whether it will turn him off or whether other ways of you showing your love will be enough. Just take it easy, irl meet up is an important step, do it and THEN decide whether you get along or not. You are not wrong or bad for being you and neither is he (tho he shouldn't pressure you), but people's ways of showing their love doesn't always match, some find a way around it, some don't. It's okay even if you two can't, accept that as a possible outcome.
Don't tell him anything for certain, and tell him to wait and see until you two meet and ask him to not pressure you or tell you how he will feel before he even does.

[80anthea]

Sexuality is a whole spectrum of feelings including asexuality on one end . It is perfectly normal to find yourself anywhere on this spectrum so it don't feel you are abnormal in not having feelings of affection and wanting physical closeness. This may of course come with time but it may not for you so you shouldn't feel pressurised by anyone to feeling differently.

[sasad]

Ima gonna be the bad one...
For him to say he "deserves" affection for flying halfway across the world is not right. No one "deserves" affection from anyone. Period. You don't owe him that anymore then he owes you any physical contact. That in itself bothers me.
* rant over*

[autumn1790]

Ima gonna be the bad one...
For him to say he "deserves" affection for flying halfway across the world is not right. No one "deserves" affection from anyone. Period. You don't owe him that anymore then he owes you any physical contact. That in itself bothers me.
* rant over*

My thoughts exactly. You don't owe him affection. And if you force yourself to be "affectionate" without having your heart in it, there's really no affection there to begin with. It has to flow naturally. Btw, I'm in the same boat. Also never been physical at all with anyone, also meeting for the first time in March. We've decided just to see what happens within the boundaries agreed upon. I would really encourage you to talk and try to get on the same page before meeting, and then see how everything goes. Best of luck in this!

[hmrambling]

should I really be expected to change my nature?

Nope. There used to be an old saying that was heard fairly frequently, but I seldom hear it at all these days. It went like this, "go as slow as the slowest person."

Example: when my SO and I first started dating she was pretty up front that she moved pretty slow and would not be interested in a physical relationship until/unless there were real feelings there. This resulted in me becoming anxious, however I shared my concerns with her. It wasn't my intent to pressure her in any way.

Eventually she said that a part of her had to awaken that been long asleep. It took a while for us in my opinion, but not in her opinion. In her opinion, the timing was just right. For those reasons, I think it's a good rule of thumb to go as slow as the slowest person and to not rush things.

[maybesomeday]

I’m going to respond to everyone in one post, hope that’s okay.

I'm like... the complete opposite to you in some respects, not entirely though. I've never had any sexual experiences physically with someone else before, though I've held hands/kissed someone in the past. However, I find myself unable to not give lots of affection, I'll readily send gifts, be extremely romantic when the mood strikes me, etc. I was 16 when I had my first real taste of relationships and dating, but it didn't end up going anywhere. It was also my first real taste of verbal, and on one occasion physical, abuse too, so it made me extremely wary and mistrustful of people. I'm an overthinker too, and I'm old-fashioned in the sense that I want to give myself to someone I think is worthy of my affections and love, not just give it away meaninglessly and not treasure the moment, but I don't believe in the whole "no-sex-until-marriage" either :P I guess I had some similar concerns about my first meeting with my SO, in the sense that would I be ready to share myself sexually with him, kiss him, hold hands with him, be really romantic and go all-out or just let things progress naturally, etc etc. I think the best thing you can do is just discuss your concerns with him, as you say if he's like you he should understand, but also remember that you shouldn't be pressured into doing anything you don't want, even if it's just a kiss. Compromise, but don't change yourself just to fit the needs of someone else. If he really loves you/cares for you... he'll respect your wishes. You really shouldn't have to change your base personality just because someone doesn't like a certain aspect about you.

Thank you for the advice. My SO and I have spoken about this topic quite a lot, and shared our thoughts and concerns; he still stands by his and I still stand by mine. He just feels that because he’s doing a big thing for us (he brings this up a lot, that he’s the one making the trip) that it should count for something and mean that if we feel the connection we should kiss and show affection. He subtly emotionally manipulates me in a way; if I don’t do this or that, he says he’ll feel disappointed/sad/frustrated, and then I’ll feel bad. I’m sure this isn’t his intention, but I know it’ll happen regardless. I hope there is some kind of compromise, as we’re not quite on the same page yet.

Do you think you've possibly just built it all up in your head that you feel like this and that when you're actually there with him you'll be fine? My SO was very like that and warned me she wasn't very affectionate and yet we spent most out time holding hands and cuddling. she even admitted to be before i left that she'd never felt the need to be affectionate like that and hadn't been like that with her previous partners but she just felt so safe and secure with me that she actually felt okay with being affectionate.

This is your first time meeting and i feel like a lot of us go into that expecting certain and dreading things and then realising after a couple of days together that we were worried for nothing and it was all just in our heads. You may not have a lot of experience and he may be asking for things you feel out of your depth with but if you explain to him tat you want to take it slow he should be understanding. Even setting little milestones like on the first day you'll only hold hands and share little kisses and then on the second day you'll try cuddling for a little bit. just take nice little baby steps to building up how much affection you show him and see how it goes.

But as Honour has said, if he doesn't respect this and wants you to change and be super affectionate and this makes you totally uncomfortable, you definitely shouldn't have to do that. Be safe and try find a compromise that will suit you both :3

In part, quite possibly. But I also know myself, and I’ve been in a situation before where I met someone for the first time, and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be affectionate and it turned out I definitely wasn’t. Maybe I knew they weren’t the right one. It could be different with my SO, but then again it couldn’t, and then I’m worried it’ll negatively affect our relationship if that’s what we decide on.

Thanks for sharing, and the advice. I’ll try to talk more about it with him, maybe I can try to make him see my point of view just as I see his.

Take it easy, both of you.

See, you admitted it yourself, you need a right moment to feel right about doing it and a right person, not someone you just like. He, as I gathered, wants to be that right one and will feel awful if you don't express all that. However, you both need to understand that you can't and shouldn't assume anything for certain UNTIL you actually meet in person. Neither can you tell whether you will want to kiss him or not and neither can he tell whether it will turn him off or whether other ways of you showing your love will be enough. Just take it easy, irl meet up is an important step, do it and THEN decide whether you get along or not. You are not wrong or bad for being you and neither is he (tho he shouldn't pressure you), but people's ways of showing their love doesn't always match, some find a way around it, some don't. It's okay even if you two can't, accept that as a possible outcome.
Don't tell him anything for certain, and tell him to wait and see until you two meet and ask him to not pressure you or tell you how he will feel before he even does.

You’re correct, he feels I’m the right one for him, and he wants to be the right one for me, and so he just assumes everything will be swell and if I don’t show how I feel the way he wants me to, he’ll feel horrible. I understand, and I try to make him understand as well. I think we both do, but we just get ahead of ourselves at points. I don’t want to expect or assume anything, I know that can be the worst thing to do in situations like this sometimes. I’ll definitely try to express to him more about just waiting and seeing what happens, forget the pressure and expectations.

Thanks for the honest response.

Sexuality is a whole spectrum of feelings including asexuality on one end . It is perfectly normal to find yourself anywhere on this spectrum so it don't feel you are abnormal in not having feelings of affection and wanting physical closeness. This may of course come with time but it may not for you so you shouldn't feel pressurised by anyone to feeling differently.

Thank you. I have considered asexuality, or somewhere along that end of the scale, but I don’t really want to assume that’s what this is. I have told my SO this however, and made it clear that it’s a possibility, I still think he hopes I’m wrong and that I’m just unaffectionate/fearful of being intimate and it can change.

Ima gonna be the bad one...
For him to say he "deserves" affection for flying halfway across the world is not right. No one "deserves" affection from anyone. Period. You don't owe him that anymore then he owes you any physical contact. That in itself bothers me.
* rant over*

My thoughts exactly. You don't owe him affection. And if you force yourself to be "affectionate" without having your heart in it, there's really no affection there to begin with. It has to flow naturally. Btw, I'm in the same boat. Also never been physical at all with anyone, also meeting for the first time in March. We've decided just to see what happens within the boundaries agreed upon. I would really encourage you to talk and try to get on the same page before meeting, and then see how everything goes. Best of luck in this!

Yes, this is true. I recently asked him about this, and he has admitted “deserve” isn’t quite what he had meant, but he feels him visiting me should count for something and I should show him how I feel if the connection is there. I’m still not completely in his lane, though.

Nope. There used to be an old saying that was heard fairly frequently, but I seldom hear it at all these days. It went like this, "go as slow as the slowest person."

Example: when my SO and I first started dating she was pretty up front that she moved pretty slow and would not be interested in a physical relationship until/unless there were real feelings there. This resulted in me becoming anxious, however I shared my concerns with her. It wasn't my intent to pressure her in any way.

Eventually she said that a part of her had to awaken that been long asleep. It took a while for us in my opinion, but not in her opinion. In her opinion, the timing was just right. For those reasons, I think it's a good rule of thumb to go as slow as the slowest person and to not rush things.

This is good advice and a different way of looking at this situation. I’ll try and share it with my SO. Thank you.

[snow]

Of course he can feel that way. He's spending money to make a trip to you, so I get where he is coming from, but if that's not something you are comfortable with, then he has to accept this and you guys should talk about this so his expectations aren't too high.

I told my husband I wasn't sure about kissing him when we first met and that I'd like to wait until I felt more comfortable and he accepted it. We ended up kissing at the airport anyways, but it was on my terms and we were both ok with it.

[Rezie]

In short, Yes your lack of affection may break up the potential relationship. BUT if you don't feel comfortable with physical affection and he doesn't respect it then let it break it up. You shouldn't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. I can understand he is disappointed if nothing happens but it has to be completely Ok with both of you is something was to happen.

I personally view sexuality and physical affection in a different way so I can't really identify with this. There is nothig wrong with you. But reading this I kind of got a feelig that there is something deeper going on with this lack of desire for affection aspect.

You have every right to say no and he should respect it. Please stay safe and if anything you are not comfortable with is about to happen and he gets angry then remove yourself from the situation and kick him out. You owe him nothing. That being said. If you feel comfortable then go for it. Don't over think.

[Sparkling72]

Even if he is spending that kind of money to come and see you, would he say that to a platonic friend that was flying across the world to see? That he has specific physical expectations? You have made it clear to him not to expect it and he is putting pressure on you. If it ruins the relationship, then that relationship isn't meant to be. If he lacks this much understanding now, what will he be like in the future?

On a side note, were your parents not every affectionate growing up? Is that why you have a hard time being affectionate? I understand the lack of experience is one thing, but I was always affectionate growing up b/c my parents and other family members always were. I know people have a hard time with affection when their family isn't that way. Only you can identify why you're not comfortable with affection and if you're comfortable with your parents, show them more love, hugs and kisses perhaps, in an effort to get yourself to safely open up to affection as a whole. just a suggestion.

but bottom line.. if he's going to put that kind of guilt trip on you... and you don't feel comfortable... it's not worth it to compromise who you are and how safe/ comfortable you feel!

[hmrambling]

Even if he is spending that kind of money to come and see you, would he say that to a platonic friend that was flying across the world to see? That he has specific physical expectations?

This question makes me think of when my ex missed her flight because she initiated some sexy time. We left the house too late and they wouldn't let her board even though the plane hadn't left yet. I was forced to buy a whole new ticket to the tune of $700 and there were no flights out until the next day. As we strolled back to the car, I said something along the lines of how I had hoped that the sex was worth it. She was taken back and asked if I meant that she was a whore.

Sure it is easy to get caught up in spending a lot of money for visits but that does not mean that sex is being exchanged for the cost of the trip. It's a fine line that people really need to look at. If a person expects sex for having spent so much to travel, then they really need to look at their motives.

[Chris516]

At the end of March I’ll be meeting my SO (we’re not “official” yet, this visit is to determine if a relationship is what we want, and if we’re willing to do the distance,) for the first time, and he has voiced his concerns about my lack of affection and how much it’ll impact him and our visit. A bit of information:

-I’m a severely inexperienced 23 year old.
-Never kissed anyone.
-Never had any sexual experiences.
-The first time I've (romantically) hugged or held a man’s hand was when I was 21.
-I find affection uncomfortable, both giving and receiving.

All of the above is practically the same for my SO, other than he found his affectionate side when his feelings grew for me. Unfortunately, the same thing hasn’t happened for me. I won’t use the word “desperate”, but he is incredibly keen to hold my hand, and especially share his first kiss with me when he visits for two weeks. I have told him not to expect it, and this has upset him. He feels he is being romantic in flying across the world for me; he feels he deserves to experience these forms of affection because he is spending all this money to come see me. If we do feel that physical connection, he wants to spend those two weeks as a couple, doing couple things. He wants to be loving and affectionate. He has said he feels I’m being selfish for saying no to the kissing and mostly anything affectionate, as he feels I’m doing so out of fear and insecurity. He’s not completely wrong, but in my mind I feel he should respect these boundaries I have. He said he’ll feel “upset/demoralised/angry” if I do not kiss him, he’ll assume I don’t like him, and that the trip would possibly be a wasted one. I’ve explained countless times that I’m kind of strange and old-fashioned, and I need to know that I’m giving my kiss away to someone who’ll be in my life long term. I personally believe my instincts will tell me if he is the right person, and when it is the right moment. He seems to think as long as we like each other, what does it matter. Well, it matters a lot to me. I’ll also quickly add that I’m an over-thinker and I’ve thought about every possible detail when it comes to kissing; all that can go wrong or right, and I think I ended up turning myself off the whole act. It's out of my comfort zone, and I really like my comfort zone.

Now I feel even more nervous about this trip; it has added extra pressure on me, because if I don’t show affection, if I don’t kiss him, he’s going to think the worst and feel miserable and unloved.

Anyway, to the point: could my lack of affection really destroy this (potential) relationship? I have never really worried about not being affectionate; to be honest I assumed I’d either find someone equally as unaffectionate, or someone who could easily accept it. According to my SO, he’s human and he needs love. My way of showing him I feel the same is subtle, I do it in my own way…I’m realizing this may not be enough for him. But should I really be expected to change my nature?

No, It could not. Just like it 'takes two to tango'. It takes two, to destroy a relationship. Don't allow yourself to think you were the only problem.

[maybesomeday]

Of course he can feel that way. He's spending money to make a trip to you, so I get where he is coming from, but if that's not something you are comfortable with, then he has to accept this and you guys should talk about this so his expectations aren't too high.

I told my husband I wasn't sure about kissing him when we first met and that I'd like to wait until I felt more comfortable and he accepted it. We ended up kissing at the airport anyways, but it was on my terms and we were both ok with it.

He and I have spoken about this topic a lot, I have been very forward with my thoughts and my concerns, just as he has. But when we could never quite come to an agreement or a resolution, I decided to post here for outsider opinions. We’ve spoken about it a little more since I posted this thread, and I think he is starting to understand my point of view, but he does stand by his own as well.

In short, Yes your lack of affection may break up the potential relationship. BUT if you don't feel comfortable with physical affection and he doesn't respect it then let it break it up. You shouldn't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. I can understand he is disappointed if nothing happens but it has to be completely Ok with both of you is something was to happen.

I personally view sexuality and physical affection in a different way so I can't really identify with this. There is nothig wrong with you. But reading this I kind of got a feelig that there is something deeper going on with this lack of desire for affection aspect.

You have every right to say no and he should respect it. Please stay safe and if anything you are not comfortable with is about to happen and he gets angry then remove yourself from the situation and kick him out. You owe him nothing. That being said. If you feel comfortable then go for it. Don't over think.

You’re right, there probably is something deeper going on. I can probably make a few guesses what the underlying issue(s) may be. But then on the other hand, I do also feel it’s just part of my nature.

Thank you for the honesty and advice.

Even if he is spending that kind of money to come and see you, would he say that to a platonic friend that was flying across the world to see? That he has specific physical expectations? You have made it clear to him not to expect it and he is putting pressure on you. If it ruins the relationship, then that relationship isn't meant to be. If he lacks this much understanding now, what will he be like in the future?

On a side note, were your parents not every affectionate growing up? Is that why you have a hard time being affectionate? I understand the lack of experience is one thing, but I was always affectionate growing up b/c my parents and other family members always were. I know people have a hard time with affection when their family isn't that way. Only you can identify why you're not comfortable with affection and if you're comfortable with your parents, show them more love, hugs and kisses perhaps, in an effort to get yourself to safely open up to affection as a whole. just a suggestion.

but bottom line.. if he's going to put that kind of guilt trip on you... and you don't feel comfortable... it's not worth it to compromise who you are and how safe/ comfortable you feel!

Affection has been a bit of an off and on again thing growing up. From my teen years to now, I’d say I have gotten consistent affection from my Dad, but never my Mum in the obvious sense. To be honest, I think I’m a lot like her since I have lived with her and not my Dad for a long time. I feel like I probably should “practice” being affection some time.

If I am not comfortable with something he does or suggests, I believe I’ll step away from him and the situation.

Thanks for the comment and advice.