Dealing with the missing & in your head day??

[1dayatatime]

New here & new to having an LDR.

History: 1.5 year relationship has just turned into an LDR. I'm a friggin mess!

The Now: My S/O has recently moved 850mi away. Since Thanksgiving we've had just a few days together but very little quality time as it dealt with her move, travel time etc.

The Reason: Her sister has been dealing with cancer since she was a teen. She's now on her 7th chemo treatment and in the very near future a stem cell replacement. ( I understand she had to go to be a support system )

The feelings: I feel as if it's not going to work out due to my S/O being distant. She doesn't like talking about the relationship and always replies we'll talk. She avoids sexual comments like the plague. She avoids intimacy conversations and anything that deals with our future. These talks, never come, however I have to understand that her mind is elsewhere almost all the time. I've asked her what her long term plans are and she simply replied, my sister has asked me to take care of her kids if she passes, so I will always be in Boston. I have two kids of my own & cant just pack up and move due to legal obligations from a previous marriage. I feel as if she has asked me to put my life on hold. I'm in what you might say a rock and a hard place!

The Question: How much time and patience do I alot as the longing, missing and being in my head make me want to drop this as it's toxicity level for me is high. My moral compass is keeping me in it as I can't imagine someone leaving me if a sibling was in jeopardy of losing their life.

[Moon]

Your girlfriend's situation is about way, way more than you. She's trying to be a caregiver, is probably helping tremendously with the children, trying to deal with maybe losing her beloved sister, possibly becoming an insta-parent and having to leave her home, and you're upset because you aren't getting enough attention?? Seriously? Perhaps she's being so distant because she knows that you aren't doing well at handling her situation now, how will you be when she REALLY needs you?

She's probably exhausted, very sad, stressed, and you want her to be sexual with you. She can't talk about the future with you because she has absolutely no idea what's going to happen, and you are not helping her. I'm sorry you feel neglected, but you should be glad you aren't going through what she is, have you tried looking at this through her perspective at all? Instead of being a source of comfort and support during an absolutely horrible time, you're adding pressure she doesn't need. There are times in every relationship where the amount of care won't be "fair", there are times when one partner needs all the support and understanding without everything being equal. That's what it's about. There may be a time when you'll need the same done for you, and she'll remember how you reacted to her time of need.

I know this is harsh, but I think you're being incredibly selfish right now, and maybe you don't realize it. If you love her, you be patient and wait to see what happens without worrying about the attention you aren't getting. You'll live through this, her sister might not.

[1dayatatime]

Thank you Moon! I do lose site and have no t realized I'm being selfish. It's not harsh at all, I prefer a straight out of the gate answer, it's putting the advice into practice. You are right though. Thanks!

[TaraMarie]

Seven years ago tomorrow I Lost my sister to cancer. For the two years that we dealt with it, I couldn't process ANYTHING else. I couldn't make plans from one day to the next. I can't even begin to tell you about the highs and lows one hour to the next. My heart breaks for her.

As far as you and your children.....well, my husband works in NY. I love in Ga. This has been going on for years. He's trying to get transferred here, but we aren't having much luck (the trials of making great money ). I've ALWAYS said I won't leave my kids, but for the first time in my life I am considering different options, since he most likely will be offered a job in Fla, and my daughter will be starting her senior year of HS in August.....so I can't move her, but my son will be starting his freshman year of HS and I would rather take him to start fresh in Fla rather than pull him out his sophomore year.

My point is that things change, even when you don't think they ever will. For now she needs your support. Her life is a mess, and she's emotional. If you love her you need to just be patient.

[Chris516]

New here & new to having an LDR.

History: 1.5 year relationship has just turned into an LDR. I'm a friggin mess!

The Now: My S/O has recently moved 850mi away. Since Thanksgiving we've had just a few days together but very little quality time as it dealt with her move, travel time etc.

The Reason: Her sister has been dealing with cancer since she was a teen. She's now on her 7th chemo treatment and in the very near future a stem cell replacement. ( I understand she had to go to be a support system )

The feelings: I feel as if it's not going to work out due to my S/O being distant. She doesn't like talking about the relationship and always replies we'll talk. She avoids sexual comments like the plague. She avoids intimacy conversations and anything that deals with our future. These talks, never come, however I have to understand that her mind is elsewhere almost all the time. I've asked her what her long term plans are and she simply replied, my sister has asked me to take care of her kids if she passes, so I will always be in Boston. I have two kids of my own & cant just pack up and move due to legal obligations from a previous marriage. I feel as if she has asked me to put my life on hold. I'm in what you might say a rock and a hard place!

The Question: How much time and patience do I alot as the longing, missing and being in my head make me want to drop this as it's toxicity level for me is high. My moral compass is keeping me in it as I can't imagine someone leaving me if a sibling was in jeopardy of losing their life.

How old is her sister? You said the sister has had cancer since they were teen. Where does the toxicity come from?

[autumn1790]

Just want to reiterate what the other posters said. Being a voluntary caregiver is incredibly hard, especially seeing your loved one in so much misery. You need to step back and try to understand what she is going through, and how much weight she has on her shoulders. Maybe even send her flowers and a card, or jump on a plane for a weekend if possible and go support her. With all the neediness she's surrounded by, you being even more needy is not going to be a turn on. She's probably expending everything she's got...time for you to try to fill up the gas tank, not burn more fuel. Good luck!

[erwin1973]

To OP:
What I would do, agreeing with all other replyers, is change tactics.

Why don't you ask her how she is doing? How she is getting through the day?

Just that, nothing more. Get her trust back, be the caregiver for her she is for her sister and cousines. That's probably the best (if not only) way to not loose her. If you really love her, consider it. Be gentle, be tactfull. And most of all: be supportive.

Yes, I know it is hard for you, I don't deny that. But as Moon said, it's not always fair.

Mm... Basically I say the same as autumn1970 I see.

You can do it if you really love her. Remember you always get back what you give.

[sasad]

How old is her sister? You said the sister has had cancer since they were teen. Where does the toxicity come from?

I don't think this is really important. Cancer is nasty no matter where it comes from.

[Sparkling72]

Maybe send her a card that you're thinking of her and missing her and a card to her sister? sending simple things like that mean a lot to people who are going through tough times! I hope for the best for her sister. If this is round 7, then your girlfriend is not able to think about anything then coping with today. Have patience and give her time and space to be with her family.