How to recover after a visit/avoid being to clingy

[saeythair]

Warning, considerable sappiness ahead (sorry)

Last week I visited my boyfriend for the first time in a year and did not realise how badly I needed the trip until seeing him in person again. In my university town I do not really have any close friends or even shallow friend groups to spend time with, and being with him for a week and feeling so accepted into his life/friend groups so completely not only made me realise how much I was missing by not physically being with him, but also how few people I have around me who care.

I am estranged from my family, basically independent and have no one close where I live, so right now I am struggling to find the motivation to do anything on my own when no one around me cares for me. I have tried making friends at work and university classes but considering how little time we have left everyone seems to be already settled into their own groups of 3 years or so and not really interested in including some random new girl who isn't all that interesting. My bf has helped me through so much and been the only support I have had in a long time, so I am trying desperately to cling to him and keep the closeness I had with him during the trip.

He calls when he can but has a fulfilling university life and classes and I don't want to feel bitter because he is living his life without me while I have nothing. It isn't his fault that I only have him for support while he has many other things to keep him occupied. I want to focus on uni work and the chance of earning a future together but every time I'm alone the shock settles in and I just want to hold his hand for support but he is not there. Any ideas how to get over the panic of being alone again when he can't call because he is out living his life? I don't want him to resent me but I also can't handle the pain of solitude in the hours he is away. He feels like the only one who can give me peace and while I am trying to find peace in my own life I have a while to go

My only chance to be with him is to buckle down so I can graduate with a good degree, but how can I do that when I have lost all motivation because my current situation is so poor and I feel I've lost the support I need? How can I survive being apart from him again?

[R&R]

You're probably not going to like my advice, but I'm going to tell you as if you were my own daughter. You need to do things for you and get yourself in a good spot on your own because it's imperative that you can function as an individual. You need to provide your motivation. It is never our SO's responsibiity to be in charge of our happiness, our motivation, our only source of support and peace. Can you imagine the pressure that would be on a person?

The only person that is with you for your entire life is you, so you need to learn to make you the best version of you for you. It's time to step out of your comfort zone. Look for meetups in your area. Do you like to read? Maybe find a local book group. There have to be new students coming in - you can make friends with them too if you feel that those in your classes have already bonded. Is there something you have always wanted to learn to do but never gave it a chance? Then go for it. I know life is busy with school, but there is always time to enchance ourselves with things we really want besides school. Trust me, I work full-time, go to school full-time, my husband lives 1,000 miles away and I have two adult daughters - life is crazy but it is what we make it.

[sasad]

What R & R said is perfect!!! You have to be able to function as yourself and NOT be dependent on anyone else. YOU are responsible for your own happiness, no one else is. Period.

[saeythair]

Thank you for the words of advice, I know I'm responsible for my own happiness I'm just struggling to get there. Sometimes I need reminding of that because I got so used to depending on him again while I visited it is hard feeling alone again.

[hmrambling]

Here is advice from my own experience that I offer to folks who get caught up in waiting for the next text from their partner:

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have family? If yes, spend time with them.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships so that you will be knowledgeable about how relationships grow.
Exercised today? If not, go for a walk or jog or bike ride. Get active.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

Be a whole person so that you can be a whole person in a relationship. Become a priority and have a great relationship with yourself. Do not rely on your partner to complete you. Be a complete person whose partner is a positive addition to your life.