Guys perspective on this?

[ndp2322]

This will be a little long considering I have to put a bit of the backstory. So thank you to anyone who reads it!

Me and this guy have been dating for 4 years, and yet to have meet, have FaceTimed many times (once he let me see his face lol) He says he feels he is too unattractive and fat for me therefore he gets extreme anxiety when I ask to Facetime or even pictures. The one time he showed himself on FaceTime was my birthday, but he didn't want me to show myself because he felt I'd judge him and he didn't want to see my reaction to him.

Anyway for the past week or so, I have been trying to up the ante a bit and have been trying to Facetime, and talk on the phone more. He and I had a heart to heart about this, I told him I missed him and this texting all the time isn't the same. He basically said he missed me too, he's just been sick and I quote "on top of my issues already with Facetime I haven't exactly ended up wanting to"

Well to my dismay, I had old posts from his Facebook pointed out to me. They were between him and his friend Summer (they were posted before he had met me, that's not the issue.) him and Summer tried dating in the past, it did not work out but they remained friends. She now is dating Tim, him and Tyler are two peas in a pod.

Now the reason the posts upset me, is because there were talks about them calling/Facetiming each night, a lot of "I love you more" wars. He even said something to the affect of "I love her more, but I'd rather tell her to her face." It was very hurtful to me considering he portrays himself of having issues with Facetime. Etc.

After telling me I'm the only girl he used those 3 words with, and a song he told me reminded him of me was also one of their songs. There's just little things like that, that are not adding up.

So yesterday I decided to confront him respectfully, when I sent the text:

I just have been thinking a lot about the current situation how much I just miss you.. etc. Today actually, I happened to have old posts between you and Summer on Facebook pointed out to me. I know you guys kinda had a thing at one point, which I'm fine with. But I'm just wondering why it is so so so different with me.

After digesting what I said for about 20 minutes he replied with just this
"Let me guess, Taylor (my best friend) pointed them out to you? Of course she did, I don't know why I'm even asking."

I once again tried maintaining the peace, all I wanted was to get to the bottom of it and fix it. But he then replied with the following:

"Yeah, and so am I. I don't know any friends who do that, and frankly it's really f-ing annoying and it makes me more and more mad every time it happens. Yeah, you really think she "pointed" that out to you thinking you'd have no reaction? Yeah okay."

Since I replied to his last response he has read my message, but not replied. Did I approach the situation wrongly? I wasn't expecting him to fly mad like he did.. that part doesn't really make sense to me.

How do I handle the situation if/when he decides to come back?

I love him very much, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not enough, and I deserve more than this. Should I just cut my losses? Why would he have this type of reaction?

[sasad]

So after 4 years that was his response. 4 YEARS! That and he wont facetime etc with you? Seriously. and he wont meet you.
I would just cut my loses as tbh, getting so defensive like that points out that something isn't right. That and a lack of maturity it appears.

You are only 21. You can find someone who WILL be more respectful.

Not sure why you want a guys perspective? Its about basic respect and kindness to another person. Although my guy said this guy is being a bit of a jerk.

And, i read your other post.. seriously, do not surprise him with a visit. He does not seem to be really committed to you at all.

[kittyo9]

I'm really sorry I don't have a guy's opinion on this, but I do want to say that I don't think you've done anything wrong. Facebook is a public platform, and although there is some "etiquette" with regard to old posts, it's still there for all to see. You are not wrong to question it and bring it up with him, and he should be open to discussing it with you.

Did he know Summer in person? I would be more comfortable webcamming with someone who already knows what I look like than someone I have not met face-to-face, because that fear of judgment has already been surpassed. If not, perhaps he's developed more body issues over the years or faced rejection and internalized it as having to do with his appearance.

Your other post concerns me, though-- his hesitance both in facetiming and visiting after this many years divides me, as on the one hand, I want to empathize, having self-image issues myself, but on the other hand, that's just not how adults handle relationships and you really do deserve someone who is willing to put as much into the relationship as you would. I also got a bit of a vibe while reading that reminded me of my relationship with my ex... at the point where he was hiding things and lying to me. Fear is an incredible motivator for some people and drives them to behave and respond in very strange ways.

[Moon]

You don't need a guy to tell you to trust your instincts here, you obviously know something isn't right. He won't even meet you when given the chance, that doesn't make sense in an LDR. I think it might be the time for one more serious conversation, and let him know what you need to continue the relationship; if he can't immediately take steps, it's time to go. Don't waste anymore time on someone who won't even let you see him.

[ndp2322]

I should clarify, I don't soley want perspectives from males, I mean guys as in like a group of people other than myself cause I feel my emotions can be clouding my judgement. Thank you all for the advice. It means a lot.

[C.C.]

I agree that you don't really need guys' opinion on this as well, but I enjoy showing random stuff from here to M at times so why not.

Mm, according to my guy, he's angry at his "lie" being blown by your friend or has really really low self image issues and hates being reminded of his past, but that either way he cares way more about those than your worries and feelings. That no matter the reason, he's being dishonest with you and lied about himself. And that you should confront him once more and shouldn't stay with him if he can't (or refuses to) win your trust.

As for the girls' opinion, I'd seriously run if I saw that someone I am with can't even have a proper conversation with me and avoids me altogether instead of addressing any of my worries or our issues. Even if there were no lies involved. But lies like that are an absolute deal breaker for me either way. (saying he didn't like facetime, told those words to you only, etc, etc). I mean try confronting him once more when he comes back but if he doesn't do anything, I think you should end it.

EDIT: I saw your post too late, oops. Still you have two peoples' opinions in one post

[TaraMarie]

My advice? RUN!

[snow]

He got really defensive and he didn't really explain his part of the story.
I can understand him getting mad that a friend would try and put something between you guys, but he didn't address the issue at hand and that's not only immature, it's untrustworthy.

Give him some time to respond, the ball is now in his court, but don't make due with excuses. He needs to explain himself because as much as I can understand the whole facetime thing from his perspective (I never webcammed with anyone besides my husband, always thought I was too fat and I was simply too insecure), if you have been with someone for 4 years, there really is no excuse.

If you think they won't love you for who you are, then maybe you shouldn't be with them, cause sooner or later you guys have to meet, this can't just stay on the internet.

[Allurial]

That story was definitely a wild ride, being the same age as you I can't imagine having that happen! I understand being shy or having body issues but if you are dating someone for four years you should have broken down the barriers at least a little bit!! You seem to be very mature, and thoughtful so I bet you have thought long and hard on this topic the fact that you ask to me shows that even you see something being wrong here. I went through some of the stuff you mentioned about not wanting to FaceTime/Skype because of body issues in my first LDR but I was willing to compromise because I truly cared about my bf at the time. After FOUR whole years, and then getting defensive shows that something is clearly wrong, seems like more then just a body image problem to me.

My advice, I think it's best you find someone who can be completely honest with you and won't hide things from you, be it their face or secrets.