Ideas?

[Puramu]

Ok, I'm not going to go into my big long unhappy story, I just want to ask a simple question. All I'll say is my bf likes it when I tell him what to do specifically rather than generally telling him to "do it."

So using online only, what are some ways to show some affection? Skype isn't an option. This will be greatly appreciated and could save a relationship greatly.

[LadyMarchHare]

Show as in physical display or express? If you're looking to show there's photography, youtube, I think there's still a doodle feature on Yahoo, could do silly stick figure stuff. Expressing, well there's a ton of ways to do that. It's kinda hard to shoot in the dark here, not knowing your limitations or wants beyond 'no Skype'. Also what does that have to do with your guy liking for you to boss him around?

[Puramu]

Well it's not bossing him around. If I were to tell him "I want you to be more affectionate" the first thing he'll say is "Ok, what do you want me to do?" Like specific examples. He can be a bit clueless when it comes to romance and all that.

And I guess I want want both? I mean there's power in the words "I love you", but sometimes I need to be shown it. I don't know how to explain, I'm all frazzled...

[LadyMarchHare]

Kind of like a "jump" "how high?" sort of thing, then?

It's just a matter of creativity, time, and money. There are tons of ways to do it for free or on the cheap that's more than picking up the phone and saying 'I love you'. I suppose it's more how obvious you want it, how big a display, and so on. There's simple ways such as helping them with something, then there's big ways like taking pictures of words from billboards and putting them together to spell out either 'I love you' or a message, like a small love letter.

[KyleTheMan]

My SO and i went through this same thing but slightly differently. Instead of asking me how high she simply refused to do anything at all. After lots of fights and lots of discussions it turned out that she's simply very shy and has lots of privacy problems. So she never had the space and privacy to do things for me. Things are changing though and getting better and better now that we've talked about it.

For you though, it may be that he doesn't understand how important these things are for you. It was the same with my SO as well. I got her to understand how important it is to express ones love for another but i kind of had to go to the extremes. Haha, it was ugly! I'd rather not talk about it, haha!

It could also be that he might be shy. I'm trying to think in his way, if i was him i would only ask that in order to see what kind of thing would be "appropriate" for fear of doing something and it not being enough for you. You need to reassure him that absolutely anything he does for you will be received with lots of love. I've given lots of silly things to my SO and she loved them all. Even MS paint drawings of us together. Haha, she liked those alot!

There could also be another issue with him. Make sure you talk to him about it. It could be culture or the way he was raised. For example, i was raised in a very loving environment. Doing things and showing love for the people i care about is as natural for me as breathing. For my SO, however, she was raised in a culture where affection isn't shown as often. It could also be an emotional issue, he could have self-esteem issues and doesn't think he can make something good enough for you, anything!

Talk to him about it and reassure him. Make sure he knows how important this is - not only for you - but for the relationship as well. Keep your head up! Things will get better if you both work on it! It was the same with me and things are getting better! It'll get better for you too! I guarantee it!

[Puramu]

Well we have had about..4 or 5 talks now about how I need romance in the relationship, at least sometimes. It just seems like lately he's hasn't been trying much at all to do things. I've asked him plenty of times if there was something wrong, but he says no. He has nothing to be stressed about, he doesn't have school now, he doesn't have a job yet, he doesn't do anything as of now.

Kyle, you might be right about that one thing, I was raised in a more loving environment, while he barely interacts with his family much at all anymore, and he lives in the same house. But still, the relationship has been going on for over a year, he's been affectionate and romantic before, I just don't know why in the past month he's stopped.

And actually this might be the big problem, he says romance on the internet doesn't seem "real." Like he's not actually holding me or all those other typed out things. I mean, I did explain to him that 90% of our relationship is online, twice, and he said he'd try to make it work. Then how come a month later my heart is aching....gah, I said I wasn't going to get into this >_<;

I don't know what to do, I can't MAKE him do something, only suggest and hope for the best. I've been hoping for a month now and I'm starting to get hopeless...

[KyleTheMan]

So he used to do things before but suddenly stopped? Puramu, how often do you do things for him? The reason i ask is because i went through a similar thing with my SO. Since she never did things for me i eventually stopped doing things for her and began falling out of love, at least that's what i thought it was at the time. It could be that the initial "puppy love" phase has long been gone and the energy he had to be romantic is gone. It happened to me. I had to almost break up with my SO for her to start doing things, that's when she really realized how important it is to show love for one another. She started simple by sending me pictures of her (Something which she almost never did). That allowed me to start getting in the "romantic mood" and started doing things for her too. Everything eventually balanced itself out. A relationship has two people after all. It requires both to do things for each other. One cannot carry a relationship by themselves.

Of course, i'm not assuming that you don't do enough for him! I'm simply drawing advice from my own experience! If he says that the romance doesn't seem real to him it seems to me, and don't take this the wrong way, that he's getting bored and impatient with the long distance. You guys have been together for quite a while. Try and do something for him to make him feel closer to you. How often do you voice chat? Webcam? Those are great ways to feel a little closer together without actually being closer. I could suggest other things that work for me and my SO but i'll leave it at that!

[Edit]: Forgot one last thing. You mention he doesn't have school or a job. He's not doing anything as of now. It could be he's depressed. I was seriously depressed when i went through a period of unemployment. Just a thought. I hope everything works out for you.