Probably the most asked question on this site - LRDs and intimacy..

[Luisina]

So, I'm pretty new to this forum (thanks for the warm welcome ) - AND this way of living.. my BF left about a week ago, but already I feel like some of the intimacy we share is slipping through my fingers

We skyped Tuesday and today (the days between felt like an eternity) - and we exchange a goodnight message every night which I look forward to every day, but up until his departure we'd practically been living together for 4 months.. so this new situation is not only strange and empty, but also very frustrating.

We'd see eachother basically every day and sleep in eachothers' arms most nights.. do all the everyday things couples do.. go to work, clean, cook, run errands etc..
I'm quite an social person so of course we'd go out seperately with friends or visit family etc, but he'd always be within reach if I needed him or he needed me.... and we never grew tired of eachother.. Be it going out grocery shopping, having a day out - or sharing a cuddly moment of silence lying on the couch..

We could talk for HOURS on end, and everything came so naturally.. it all felt so right - something I'd never had with any of my former boyfriends

So now, having a 45 minute skype session once or maybe twice a week (or maybe less in the future because calling a cell is so damn expensive) when I'm used to having him around all the time seems like such a small comfort.
He's been experiencing so much and in return wants to hear what I've been doing as well, so after hanging up (= running out of money on my Skype account) it almost ends up feeling like I've been catching up with a close friend of mine - not my boyfriend!!

I love him so much, he's my boyfriend and best friend all in one package and I can't imagine my life without him, but how do you guys do cope with this? Some of you here have been in a LDR for a year or even more! I've been in one for a week and I'm already going crazy :P
I know LDRs aren't for everyone, but in my case I don't really have a choice because I love him unconditionally and want to be with him... - but I can't for at least another 6 months!
So.. how do you guys keep the intimacy? Besides going to visit eachother regularly.. because that's not really an option (I wish it was...)

[LadyMarchHare]

I think what you're missing is the physical proximity. You became so used to it that now, without it, you feel lost. It's a very common thing with those who start out CD or go into CD for a while then have to move away again. What I like saying is there's a difference between physical distance and emotional distance. If you can keep up the conversations and just the general hanging out via net (which I know sounds like a friend thing but hey guess what word is in boyfriend and girlfriend? Friend!) then you might get that fuzzy feeling that they haven't really left your side and could be right next to you if you just close your eyes.

Of course me I haven't seen my SO yet so I'm not much use on the subject, but it does help me a bit whenever I get the gnawing urge to hop a plane like I'm some stowaway. You have to make the best of what you have now and be grateful you can IM each other, be on Skype, send letters, etc instead of looking at what you don't have. Glass half full vs glass half empty, really. Easier said than done, I know, but love's rather crazy in that respect.

[loveonspeedial]

I feel the same way, she just moved and I'm going crazy!!

We're in the same time zone so we get to talk a lot, I mean that's the only thing you can really do is communicate and use technology to improve that. I take pictures of around my house, myself, our pets, my job, etc and send them to her.

[loveonspeedial]

I use eyejot.com a lot, it lets you record video messages and email it to your so so when when we can't talk, I can still tell her I love her and stuff and she gets it in her inbox.

[michy]

It's hard. Very hard sometimes, and I cope because the pain of not being able to wrap my arms around him is far, far better than the pain of not having him in my life. No one would ever choose to be in an LDR, but we've all found someone who makes it worth it

The first, say, 3 solid weeks after he leaves are the most painful- there's a massive void and there is simply nothing else that can fill it. I've read a bit online about the grieving process, and that helped me rationalize the depth of the torment I felt- because for me that's precisely what I go through, I grieve the loss of him in my REAL everyday life, every time we're torn apart.
You will always miss him, sometimes terribly so, but the sting of it will usually lessen- just hang in there and hold on until it does!

While it's important to stay up-to-date on what's going on in his life, don't fall into "update" mode each time you talk... that may leave you with a superficial feeling about your conversation, or that your relationship is losing substance. Be open with your feelings and how you miss him... talk to him just like you would if you were laying in bed beside him at night

Intimacy... well there are only so many workarounds for that one, lol! Be comfortable, be creative, and you'll find your own ground together in that

One thing that makes a WORLD of difference to me is the way he involves me with little everyday things, even though I'm not there. Example- he's going to a friend's wedding tonight, and he emailed me pics of him in front of a mirror in his suit with 2 different ties on, and asked me which one he ought to wear. He's the sort of guy who's totally capable of picking out a tie on his own, and when I told him that he replied, "But that's the sort of thing I'd turn around and ask my wife-to-be if she were here." Totally sweet... and when he does things like that to involve me, that distance suddenly seems less vast...

I hope this helps in some way. Trust me, it's not easy, and sometimes it's a daily struggle... but one worth fighting

[Tanja]

Whatever you do, don't stop communicating with each other. He is most likely feeling the same way you are, missing you and your closeness but there are things you can do to help dealing with it.

Take and send pictures, video clips or voice records to each other, email, arrange movie/date nights (have you checked out the list of Things for LDR couples to do?), call each other if you can, do web cam sessions... sadly nothing can replace the actual physical intimacy but you can still enjoy each other and this LDR and remember to always keep in mind that this isn't permanent. You will be together in the end and that's when the tears, sadness and dispare in the middle has been worth it!

[underthewater]

Hi, I'm in exactly the same situation here, my SO and I spent even longer time in a CD before he moved away. Now we talk on Skype everyday. Can you try to make skype-to-skype calls which I think is free? I think I'm pretty content if we talk 30 minutes everyday on Skype. And you guys may also exchange emails sometimes, sending pictures, including some more private pictures, believe me you won't feel like contacting a penpal that way. And another 6 months won't be a long time if you occupy yourself with things, I have more than 2 years to go and I just don't think about it that much, just make sure you're in contact everyday and exchange your love to each other everyday. Good luck

[Zephii]

I think it depends on the resources you have available and how you use them. LDR sucks in a lot of ways, but it can be fun, rewarding, and offer lots of different ways to show each other love.

I'm assuming he doesn't have access to a computer and thus can't skype pc to pc for free, which sucks But you can get around it!

The first thing to do is look at how each of you likes to give affection, and how you expect to receive it, and what resources you have. You already have great communication by the sounds of it, which means you've overcome the biggest hurdle people here seem to have
Perhaps you could use one resource for catching up (like phone calls) and another for more intimate things (for example sending photos/ voice recordings/ intimate letters via mail). Remember to use all your senses when possible - swap clothing in the mail (the real reason ziplock bags were created), give each other a bottle/can of your perfume/deodorant, make things for each other, eat their favorite food... There are lots of things you can do!

If there's a way you can do date nights, that would be great too.

[paulawriteslove]

Keep your communication strong! Send cute text messages, leave adorable voice mails, and take cute pictures!!
Keep your relationship spicy and fun

[xsethx]

It's been REALLY hard for me. My girlfriend and I started out 30 minutes away in HS, 3hrs when she went off to school, and now that I've moved, 25 hours For the last year, I've spent most of my time basically living with her. Every night, I go to sleep wishing I could hold her, cuddle with her, stargaze under this wide-open Minnesota sky. The best thing I find is to just stay positive, I listen to my ipod playlist of our songs and go to bed. I dunno what I'd do though if I wasn't going home to see her for 5 days next month.

[Riyko]

I had it a lot harder my ex and I lived together for 3 years and then in April 2010 we both finished school and I moved back home, he was my life for 3 years and leaving it sucked even though we talked everyday after that. (We aren't together anymore, but we're best friends and talk 3-4 times a day)

[NaNi]

Well, my SO and I met online. We never lived together before we met. But... that doesn't make it any easier. When I first visited her we were able to spend 5 weeks together. We lived together. We were able to experience all those wonderful couply things together. It was so very hard to leave all that behind again. I feel so lonely now.

[Andy]

I think the first few weeks are the toughest. Once you get past that period and settle into some sort of LDR routine then things will become easier. It may take you a little longer as you were together for so long so it's come as a bit of a shock I'd imagine but it does get easier, in my opinion it does at least.

Take a look at the things to do list, there's over 90 great suggestions there to keep you busy. Keep in regular contact, it's always nice to receive a surprise text or see an email waiting for you from your SO

[Luisina]

Thanks for the nice replies.. - and ideas! Now I'm off to check out eyejot.com, study your LDR activities section, pick out a few of his ties and send him some semi-decent pictures of myself hahaha! I love it..

We already exchanged clothes, scents etc before he left... and I've started a diary that we're gonna send back and forth every few weeks - just seeing his characteristic hand writing will make me smile, I'm sure.. But it's expensive.. he's almost in the middle of nowhere 5000 miles away (soon to be 10.000!) but at least communicating will get easier in 5 weeks time when he moves on to Australia and will have proper wireless internet in the hostels he stays at. thank goodness for that.

I agree that it's the physical proximity (or sudden lack hereof) that's making me all frustrated, almost walking around in a daze.. and I heard a few of you state that the first 3 weeks are the worst... which gives me another 2 weeks of this to go. le sigh..
But, it's great to hear that this whole thing DOES get easier and that in the end him being so far away will just be part of our relationship.. that's just what I needed to hear!
I CAN'T wait to settle into such a routine..

I really enjoy being a part of this forum - everybody seems so sweet and sincere.
So, thank you all... really: thank you