Afraid to call it a relationship

[Nayala]

This is my first post here. I feel the need to share my story with someone who can understand these problems after I've visited my loved one for a second time. We've seen each other 9 times in total: 2 times before there was any romantic interest between us, 5 times for short meetings and 3 times for a few days visits (2 times at his place, once at mine). Distance is not the only numerical barrier between us (although we've managed to reduce it from 385 miles to 117 miles): he is also 10 years older. We don't feel it at all and it's not a problem for us, but because of this our friends and family (especially my parents) have even more disbelief in this ever working out (to be honest, my dad doesn't even like the idea, so he doesn't know about anything apart from his existance).

But the last visit has given me much food for thought. Although he has reassured me countless times that he likes me as much as I like him, there were two moment that gave me doubts. First was when I asked him if he was considering moving for his Master studies (he is finishing his Bachelor either this or next year) anywhere closer to me (I'm currently living near 3 university cities). You can imagine my shock when he told me he was actually considering a city even further than now! Of course that was not the only option he has named (out of 5; 3 of which would mean him moving much closer to me and 1 meaning him staying where he is for now), but it was terrifying enough that he has such an idea. Second was even worse. Before we reduced the distance between us, he used to tell me he did not want to call it a relationship because of the distance - he doesn't really believe in LDR. Now that we live much closer and manage to meet much more often (more than a half of all our meetings has happened during the last 4 months) I decided that it was a good time to ask him this question once again, this time in person. Unfortunately he still refuses to call me his girlfriend - although he promised me that he has no interest in any other women, nor does he want to look for anybode else in his city. The 'girlfriend' position is so to say reserved for me, but he considers calling it a relationship unreasonable:
'I realise this is not enough for you, but maybe for the time being we should keep it like this? Don't treat it as a <no>, I would love to be with you - but at the same time I can't answer <yes> to this'. This has left me in tears and made the last hour of my wonderful visit to him pretty sad.

Do you think he treats me seriously and sincerely doesn't want to call it a relationship just because of the distance (and at the same time considers enlarging it?!)? Or am I just being fooled by him (although he is the sweetest person I have ever met - can't imagine him being so heartless)? I just don't know what to think about it any more...

[autumn1790]

As someone who also does not want the title of gf/bf because of the distance, I can understand his reticence. Some people just might not be into that kind of thing...as long as you have no reason to doubt his faithfulness, I would try to let it go. Best of luck!

[Karura]

I can't quite give you an advice on the lack of titles or him not wanting to define the relationship, but things like that, they're just words and labels that not everyone is comfortable with (I still struggle a little with them). I'd say, next time you're with him, try and pay more attention to his actions and the little things, because you may have a better idea of his feelings for you.
Also, I can understand why he would pick his Masters based on the university and not the location. I once chose to go further away from an ex so that I could fulfill my dream of studying in Japan and having classes of things that I knew I wouldn't find in other locations. Education and success are things that can matter a lot to certain people but it doesn't make you any less important when they can still see you and bring a better future for the two of you. If they lose that opportunity, they might never get it again. It's going to be hard to adjust with him being further away but I think it's a good thing that he still knows what he wants to do with his life and not change even with his circumstances. I was upset when my ex didn't seem to approve when I voiced my decision, and I would tell you to support his dreams.
As long as you trust him and feel the love between you, it should be okay.

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

Have the two of you had conversations about exclusivity? If so, what is his position on exclusivity? Is being exclusive enough?

I can't tell you that it will be okay because I don't know the what the outcome will be, or his motives, or how he feels.

For me personally, if someone didn't want to be exclusive or be my girlfriend after several months I would have to accept that the other person may only be seeking a casual relationship. If I am not interested in a casual relationship, then I would move on.

[Nayala]

I've tried to answer separately to your posts, but I don't want to repeat myself, so I would recommend reading all three passages. Because of me being new at this forum I can't tag you here (minimum nuber of posts), but hopefully you will check it yourself.

autumn1790 Thank you for ensuring me that he is not the only one that would not use this term for a LDR and therefore it really doesn't mean that much after all. It would just be nice to be able to answer to questions like 'Are you single?' with a simple 'Yes' rather than explaining our story - but on the other hand I don't want to call him my boyfriend without his 'permission' so to say.

Karura Of course I understand his motivation and would never criticise him for it. I might voice my discontentment with his choice (if he really does it), but would not give him an ultimatum or anything and, as hard as it might be, would try to stay supportive of it. It's just that I have recently moved closer to him for my studies and if now after a year or so he moves away for his studies, I would feel something like... lack of appreciation? I don't know how to call it. Especially with 3 university cities near me. I don't know if there is anything special about this one, but I simply hope he does not decide for this particular one.

hmrambling Thank you for a warm welcome. In that very conversation he told me that I am the only one, he does not have anybode else in mind nor he has any interest in looking for somebody else (I'm not sure if that's what you mean by 'exclusivity'). I also told him that it isn't really enough for me but I can understand his decision. He said he realises that, but he wishes to keep it as it is for now, cause he can't imegine calling 'girlfriend' somebody that he meets only once a month at best. It seems like for him it is enough for now - although when it comes to his actions he usually tends to be the one who moves our relationship forward so to say. That is also one of the reasons why I am confused by his attitude.