I moved to take care of my father and my love of 17 years stayed

[bambi1025]

Good morning everyone - this is my first time here - I have been with my boyfriend for 17 years now - I moved from Nevada to Florida to take care of my father - my boyfriend stayed behind - me and my father had a rocky relationship years ago so my father never met my boyfriend - and I miss my boyfriend terribly - I do not know now if I made the right decision - my father is 84 - will be in March - I want my boyfriend to be with me physically here in Florida so bad - I cannot sleep well because I miss him so much - please anyone please give me some advice - I am the one who also took care of my mother in Nevada before she passed away - and my boyfriend supported me thru that tough time in 2006 - I am taking care of my father because I felt that this is the right thing to do - I feel I put my father first before my boyfriend - please anyone please let me know how anyone feels about this or anyone who is going thru this - truly appreciate any advice. Thank you.

[sasad]

You are 54 years old.. Cant you just have him move out there??? 17 years and your dad has no clue???
I will be taking care of my parents sooner than later My SO knows and understands it. My parents have met him and actually love him. We know I will be moving in to make them comfortable when they need us. Make time with your dad. If your relationship has become better, he would probably like to meet your SO, and who knows, maybe they will like each other.

[Rezie]

Is your dad poorly or just elderly? I don't mean to sound insensitive but are we talking about your dad's final months because he is sick or is he just getting old and could do with some help but otherwise healthy and could possibly be around for 10 years? Again sorry if insensitive but it would give some perspective.

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

17 years old is a long time to have a boyfriend who hasn't committed to a more serious relationship, and my guess is that your father not having met him yet speaks to the sort of relationship that you had with your father. In my opinion, it's okay to be there for your father. If your boyfriend hasn't committed more seriously in 17 years, then perhaps his practice of autonomy in this circumstance is an indicator that you can expect more of the same. Have you been okay with your SO being your boyfriend all of these years? Perhaps I would be examining the relationship.

[sasad]

I think staying in the relationship means they are pretty committed. They dont have to be married or anything if that is what they both agree on... I dont think that need examining if they are happy.
OP- are you an only child?

[snow]

If my parents needed help and I was the only one able to help, I would. I love my parents and of course I love my husband, but if that was what I needed to do, that's what I would do - I expect the same from him.

I believe you should introduce your boyfriend to you father and I think, if he can, he should move out to be with you, but obviously that's something you two have to discuss.

[Chris516]

My mother(76), father(75), and step-mother(68) are all losing the faculties. I am not referring to incontinence. I am mainly referring to hearing. My mother also has vision problems due to something called Fuchs Dystrophy that she was diagnosed with a couple years ago, and runs in families. My 63yr.-old maternal aunt was also recently diagnosed with it.

I mention my aunt just in the sense of her being diagnosed. Even though she n' her husband live in another state.

My parents' all live locally. My mother's depth perception when she drives, is not good. I have never driven a car in my life. But their have been many times that I have felt she was slow to step on the brake pedal.

Another thing about my mother is that, upon her death, she wants' to be cremated. She even tried to convince me to do the same. But I vehemently refused. My younger brother agrees' with my mother. So, He will have to be the one to decide when any of our parents' needs to go in a nursing or rest home. I am at diametric opposites with my parents'.

So, When I go CD with my SO at some point in the future, I won't be worrying about my parents' well-being. My younger brother will have to do that. He will have to make the trips from San Francisco to here, and sort through there affairs. Because, They listen to my brother, not me.

[C.C.]

Welcome to LFAD!

17 years old is a long time to have a boyfriend who hasn't committed to a more serious relationship, and my guess is that your father not having met him yet speaks to the sort of relationship that you had with your father. In my opinion, it's okay to be there for your father. If your boyfriend hasn't committed more seriously in 17 years, then perhaps his practice of autonomy in this circumstance is an indicator that you can expect more of the same. Have you been okay with your SO being your boyfriend all of these years? Perhaps I would be examining the relationship.

In Finland for example, many couples live together for ages without ever marrying. And it happens anywhere else too to an extent.
17 years of relationship and other details speak about its committment, not the legal status of those years.

[80anthea]

We have plans to close the distance and get married but they are currently on hold as my SO is helping to look after his family. His Mom is very ill with lung problems and is on constant oxygen and his stepdad is having treatment for lymphoma. Although my SO is only 29 his parents are quite old as his Mom had him had an older age, honestly I don't know how much time his Mom has left as she struggles a lot and is very weak, his stepdad although he has cancer is much fitter and healthier normally. My SO does have an older stepbrother but he too is very ill with diabetes complications and has been in hospital twice recently in a diabetic coma. I would love my SO to move over here as soon as possible, of course I would but I also be devastated if he didn't get to spend time with his Mom whilst he still has chance. I'm also incredibly proud of the way he's stepped up to help everyone else out and I know that we have many more years ahead of us. I also know how upset and worried he'd be if he were over here feeling helpless and I don't feel like he's put me below them, I just feel like he's doing what he has to right now.

I think you just need to be honest with your partner about how difficult this is for you. You also have to look after yourself in all this, it's easy to get in the trap of trying to keep everyone else happy and healthy and neglect your own needs.

[bambi1025]

Good morning - my father is elderly and not in good health - no - you are not being insensitive at all - I appreciate you taking the time to read my post - and thank you

[bambi1025]

thank you for responding...truly appreciate your post - we both decided we do not want to marry - we like the relationship as it is - well prior to moving to Florida - now we video chat - talk on the phone and text - we are trying to make plans so he can move to Florida - he does have a wonderful job - so that is another area of concern too -

[bambi1025]

You are absolutely correct - I took care of my mother with my SO back in Nevada prior to her passing in 2006 - I am the only one who steps up to take care of my parents - I have a sister in Connecticut but she is married with a 14 year old daughter - my parents got divorced many years ago - I informed my SO about how bad I am feeling - he knows what I did (moving here to Florida to take care of my father) was a sacrifice - and a selfless act - but yes - I do need to stop neglecting my own needs too - thank you so much for your post.

[bambi1025]

We are trying to make arrangements for my SO to move out here but his job keeps him there for now...My father and I had a bad relationship for a while and we were not speaking to one another for many years - my parents also divorced a long time ago - I informed my father after we started talking again about my SO - but my father would not travel anymore and I would come out here to FL for Christmas and my SO stayed in NV because he always had to work during the holidays - I was able to take time off from work to visit my father in FL at the time - I appreciate your response - thank you

[sasad]

Seriously, good for you for stepping up! It's an incredibly hard thing to do. I am glad you and your SO are talking and working together on a solution. Wishing you all the best!

[bambi1025]

We both decided not to marry - we love the relationship as it is - well when I was in NV - my father resides in FL and I was in NV and he would not travel - I visited him on Christmas and my SO stayed in NV because of his job - I can take time off at the time - we have a wonderful relationship - but the distance is hurting both of us