Growing together as couple being LDR

[SailorRei]

Hi,
So I've been having some doubts and fears lately about my relationship. And it all come to the fact that we are "stuck".

We've been together for a while now, had visits, travelled together and met each other families. We did everything except living together as a couple. And over those years, skype dates and visits, I feel like I learned everything that I could about us/him being apart.

How can we develop and grow more as couple when all it said, but we never had chance to live together? I feel like this is such a vital part of relationship, which simply can't be just explained or experienced by talking....

All in all, we talk less now and it just feels like to connection is slowly being lost. He's my first serious bf, so maybe it what happens in every relationship? The novelty fades away and it's substitutes by the comfort and security- but how can you feel like that being miles away? In regular CDR you'll just get cozy, stop trying that hard and just enjoy being close with a partner. But in LDR? I only feel like I'm done trying, we cannot hope to close the distance anytime soon, and it feels like I had to give way more than I get back....

[Nayala]

A thing that is being recommended by this site, and that I personally found very appealing is this book called '1000 questions for couples', which can give you ideas for talks with your distant loved one. I have been experiencing something like you a few months ago, but somehow we managed to overcome this by ourselves. Next time it comes to me, I'm going to strike back with this book

[Rezie]

i hear ya sister. It happens in all relationships but it feels different in LDR. It's not like anything is wrong or that you know everything about this person, it's just that you know there is this entire side to a person you don't get to see because you can't live together. You can get to the point where you need a change so that you can grow and see another point of view. When yous partner is on skype you don't get there. Suddenly everything else that could provide that feeling of newness gets more exciting. All your knowledge is based on talking and visiting but i doesn't feel like the reality. Just talking gets boring and you stop sharing information since you in a way give up about them ever truly understanding what you mean since you don't get to share your lives. Well that is at least how i feel.

[Sparkling72]

Aside from everything you said about time and knowing everything about him... do you think part of it is also because you don't see the distance closing any time soon? So, when is "anytime soon?" I know that being in separate countries has a huge challenge and legally moving is a big part of that. Are you also feeling like, since was your first serious BF that you want to take what you've learned and move on? Are you still in love with him and just bored? LDRs are very challenging, but the ultimate goal is to achieve the closure. If you truly dont see either of you moving.. I can understand how you would feel hopeless. You should both have the conversation of what your goals are as a couple and go from there. is he having similar feelings as you?

[2Rocky]

I've noticed this over the last 11 months. Seems to get tougher when the time between visits gets longer...

Here lately we talk more often. Morning as she is getting ready for work and I'm driving in. After Work, as I drive home, and usually a good night call or Skype at bedtime. Sometimes it can feel like we run out of things to talk about beyond "How was your day?" Right now she has a new assignment that is kind of overwhelming and each day presents a new challenge.

There is a phenomenon called "New Relationship Energy" that makes the early stages of a relationship seem so much more exciting. You are finding out about your loved one and it is exciting as you discover new things that make you love them more. NRE can come also from adding something new to your life like a new home or a new child, or a new pet, as you discover things together. It fades when you think you "know it all" about your SO. That is where the couple relationship questions come in.

Another thing I've found comfort from is planning something ahead, like our next meeting. I gotta have Something to talk about....

[SailorRei]

Everything you said Sparkling72 hit way too close home for me I still love him, want to be together, but not like that. I'm just starting my adult life (will be graduating soon), and I want somebody to be integral part of that life. I don't need another online friend that I can only talk to....

Unfortunately being fresh out of collage my chances of getting work visa are nearly 0%, same goes for him here, so we won't close the distance this year.
But moving on? That terrifies me. I love him, and it feels like it I won't find another person that understands me as well as he does. I'm not bored. But hate for being LDR sometimes feels stronger than love for him.

Yea, 2Rocky, we definitely are past this NRE and the honeymoon period But our next visit can't be planned right now, there are too many uncertainties in my life right now, so I can't even plan that much ahead.

[Rezie]

Adding to my previous message and sparklings message. Not having a plan makes it worse. Me and my partner had a plan that was 'someday' so in other words no specifics planned. It has almost been 5 years and it is starting to feel not worth it. Based on personal experience I would say that it doesn't get easier before you have an end date. Unless your plan is to stay long distance. Talk to your partner and make a plan that you both are happy with. If you can't make one then think of alternative solution.

[Sparkling72]

You did say it best, and I applaud you... you are just starting your adult life. So, asking a deeper question... what terrifies you? Being alone (without the comfort of any boyfriend to talk to) or does breaking up with someone you've spent so much time with? Graduating college, getting a career started, and getting out onto your own is terrifying in itself. Starting that adult life... doing it completely alone (with no boyfriend) might make it even more so. Or you can grow as a person and learn from it... It is a lot to think about.

When I was young, about 20, I had a long distance boyfriend that was in the army (what is it with me and military guys lol) and this was when we had to write letters and develop pictures and physically mail them to each other, no skyping, or anything... but my point here is... I too was starting my adult life and he was getting sent off to many different places and that made seeing each other very difficult. In the meantime, I realized that I needed to have a CDR. I had the same worries, that I'd never find someone as great as him... b/c he was really freaking great... but I did find someone. And for a couple of years I had a really great time going out with many other couples doing couple things... it's amazing when I got a CDR boyfriend how much my social life improved. Many of my friends had boyfriends that they wanted to spend their free time with, and I got the left overs... but when I got the boyfriend... well, I don't regret living the life I did in my early 20's. Sure it hurt like hell to break up with him, but I don't regret having the fun experiences that I did. But that's only ME and I'm just sharing MY experience.

I'm not saying you should do what I did, or you shouldn't do anything... I am simply saying you have some soul searching to do. And I will say to put you and your happiness first... you just need to decide what that happiness looks like.

[differentcountries]

One of the things that I find unite us as a couple is sharing worries and joys related to studies and work.

[snow]

If he / his family makes good money, you guys should look into marriage type visas to be together. Sometimes this is a means to be together and it's scary, I won't lie, but without that visa, I would still be in Austria instead of living with my husband for the 3rd year.

Obviously that is a big and serious step and you should only do it if you know you two are ready for it, but honestly, to live in the US, that's basically what you gotta do as work visas are only obtainable if you have high education in a sought after job.

I would suggest you guys take a longer trip together and live for a while to see if that is something you can do - we got engaged on my second trip which was about 2 and a half months. After we got married, it was still a lot of adjusting, but that's just how it is when you move together. It hardly ever just clicks, you always have to make compromises and talk about who will do what and when so that everybody's needs are met and no one gets hurt.

I don't take marriage lightly, but we got married earlier than we expected because we knew it was either get married now and be together right away (well after 8 months of waiting for the visa) or be long distance until I can obtain a work visa, win the visa lottery or make an insane amount of money, which would have taken way too long.

[SailorRei]

Thank you all for the insights...

Marriage at the moment is not possible- he doesn't have enough income for me to go there, and I don't have full-time job to support him to come to me.

I don't want to throw away everything that we have, just because I can't suck it up and wait one more year. We both made some sacrifices and tried out best to make this work... But I am not happy anymore. It's so hard making this kind of decisions... If he was here and we were CDR, I wouldn't even have this feelings!
I don't even know how to bring this up to him.... I never had to break up with anyone that I truly loved and imagined our future together.

Uuugh, it's not like I also have to worry about finishing my master thesis, finding new job and relocating at the same time (thanks universe)

[Loveyoumore]

keeping in touch daily keeps us growing as a couple while apart, telling each other the big & SMALL things in our days.

[snow]

Thank you all for the insights...

Marriage at the moment is not possible- he doesn't have enough income for me to go there, and I don't have full-time job to support him to come to me.

I don't want to throw away everything that we have, just because I can't suck it up and wait one more year. We both made some sacrifices and tried out best to make this work... But I am not happy anymore. It's so hard making this kind of decisions... If he was here and we were CDR, I wouldn't even have this feelings!
I don't even know how to bring this up to him.... I never had to break up with anyone that I truly loved and imagined our future together.

Uuugh, it's not like I also have to worry about finishing my master thesis, finding new job and relocating at the same time (thanks universe)

That really is heartbreaking :/ I mean, obviously do what you gotta do, but if you guys really love each other, what is another year?

[Rezie]

Thank you all for the insights...

Marriage at the moment is not possible- he doesn't have enough income for me to go there, and I don't have full-time job to support him to come to me.

I don't want to throw away everything that we have, just because I can't suck it up and wait one more year. We both made some sacrifices and tried out best to make this work... But I am not happy anymore. It's so hard making this kind of decisions... If he was here and we were CDR, I wouldn't even have this feelings!
I don't even know how to bring this up to him.... I never had to break up with anyone that I truly loved and imagined our future together.

Uuugh, it's not like I also have to worry about finishing my master thesis, finding new job and relocating at the same time (thanks universe)

Would it definitely be a year when you close the distance? As in it is the deadline or that is when you start looking into it? Having a final date really helps.

For me personally the feeling had grown slowly how the distance was to much. It got to the point where it had to be now! This has created a lot of issues in our communication since I've kind of lost hope in the relationship and wondered if it is worth it. Then I started to look into our relationship and found the major issues. A lot of it was secondary reasons affected by the distance and some were just me growing up. We are still together but its not going well. Try to look into if the distance is the only thing bothering you or if it is something else.

[SailorRei]

Would it definitely be a year when you close the distance?
For me personally the feeling had grown slowly how the distance was to much.

This is it- the distance have becoming too much, I want us to share the life, not describe it every weekend on skype dates.

No, no idea how long it would take. Depends who gets better job where, if we're willing to marry sooner than later, and who will move where.

I think I'm getting tired, because as of now, I have to make a decision where to look for job and move, and I thought that will mean closing the distance. Since it's not happening, I'm planning for my own future, not ours. We both want to have nice jobs, but how will it look if you'll get one and resign 6 months later to move? We think that once you got a job, you need to stay there at least a year to make something out of it.