Growing together as couple being LDR

[differentcountries]

I found that for us, being able to have monthlong visits was really helpful in becoming more trustful that we could one day live together permanently. We really feel that we have lived together (payed bills, done housework, cooked, balanced work with social expectations etc.).

As for the feeling of having to give more than you get back, it can be useful to seperate what kinds of trouble you get from the distance, and what kinds of trouble that comes from him. I sometimes feel very upset not having SO there is my daily life. Then I remind myself that us not being together is not something he has done to me, to hurt me, to the contrary everything he does is to build a good life together with me in the future. He consults with me what kind of job to take, his education, holiday plans and use of money. He misses me terribly, especially when we go as long as 4 months between visits. And I too do the best I can. If anyone of us are going to relocate, we will need money/not too much debt, a decent place to live, and a partner than can financially guarantee for us. Until now, we did not have that; I worked part time/part sick leave and he worked season, not all year round. He used a lot of money to be able to live with me part time for a while. I see all his effort and that is enough for me, most days.

Humor is important. I love his sense of humour, he is so funny. He sometimes makes fun of our financial situation - this week he posted a picture of expensive cars, saying he did not know which one to buy, well of course he cant afford a car (nor does he need one, he never goes anywhere) LOL And then he posted a picture of our bikes, and I commented something I knew he would like (which basically read as that I love him, not his money). It is great, and I feel as if I am there, with him.

I see a lot of self-preserving qualities in him these days, which makes me happy, because if he moves here, to our shit weather and strange language, he is going to need all of those skills and many more if he is going to make it with all the changes. I would feel awful if I brought him here and he did not thrive, but now I think that it could happen and we could make it.

[sasad]

I have to say that being CD isn't a miracle that will make everyone and everything better. Going CD has its own set of hassles and pains as well. It s not going got fix a broken relationship. It's late and i am having a hard tie saying what I mean...
If you really want to be together and you have a goal and honest communications doesn't guarantee that its going to work out cd. Not having a good relationship isn't going to become magically better when you cd. In fact you start a new one yon period all over again. But like Snow said, if you can stay together somewhere for over a month, you can learn about each other and what pushes buttons, I wish there was some way to see the future. Best of luck to you working this out..Just remember to follow your heart. And trust your instincts. Xo

[Rezie]

I'm in very similar situation to you and have been for a while. So my advice is very useless 😀

I would say that inorder to continue the relationship you need a plan. Someday closing the distance to somewhere is not a plan. I would never suggest getting married before bring in CDR but I realize we all have different values and circumstances. If the problem truly is the distance then this would solve it. Not that it is a magic answer to everything.

The problem could be something else entirely. I can identify with the 'planning own life instead of our lives' feeling. The feeling of where you are too independent for the relationship. I noticed that there were bigger underlying issues I had, but they were easy to blame on the distance. Now it is a debate if it is the distance or the relationship.

If you are anything like me then sending the small useless texts and phone calls feel more annoying than sweet. But if you want to keep the relationship going you need to do this. I don't want to do it anymore but when this stops then all the talking stops which then creates further problems.

[snow]

Now that I read sasad's post, I actually reconsider what I said a little.
If your relationship isn't going well and you think the only thing being able to salvage it is to be CD, then it might be wise to end it. It's the equivalent to saving a crumbling marriage by trying to have a child.

Obviously I don't know all the details, but closing the distance wasn't picture perfect. It was messy and we had quite some disagreements because living with someone isn't easy especially if you are used to doing lots of things on your own and like to have your own time.

Good luck!

[SailorRei]

If your relationship isn't going well and you think the only thing being able to salvage it is to be CD, then it might be wise to end it. It's the equivalent to saving a crumbling marriage by trying to have a child.

Sorry snow, but I disagree with you here. My relationship isn't going well because it hurts a lot not being together. I won't be there to celebrate his 30 b-day, he won't be here for my graduation. Those are the things that make me sad, and there is no cure for it, except being CD. We're not failing because we fight or lost interest in each other. We're failing because we're not in each others life the way we want to, and the way we need to.

I might be more needy than I realised, in terms that I often get super stressed about literally everything, and I need somebody to give me a hug and say that everything we'll be ok. And he does that for me whenever we're together. But the minute he's gone, my stress levels are just skyrocketing

And yes, I'm aware that CD isn't miracle cure, but it sure sounds like it when you're LD and just need a hug

[snow]

Sorry snow, but I disagree with you here. My relationship isn't going well because it hurts a lot not being together. I won't be there to celebrate his 30 b-day, he won't be here for my graduation. Those are the things that make me sad, and there is no cure for it, except being CD. We're not failing because we fight or lost interest in each other. We're failing because we're not in each others life the way we want to, and the way we need to.

I might be more needy than I realised, in terms that I often get super stressed about literally everything, and I need somebody to give me a hug and say that everything we'll be ok. And he does that for me whenever we're together. But the minute he's gone, my stress levels are just skyrocketing

And yes, I'm aware that CD isn't miracle cure, but it sure sounds like it when you're LD and just need a hug

Then I guess breaking up doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

If your relationship is going good and all it really is is the distance, then you might have to suck it up. There is literally only two ways on from here: don't break up and continue this LDR until you can close the distance or break up.

[differentcountries]

Well, sometimes long distance suck big time. My SO has only 2 weeks holiday, which is the window he has to see his family, but İ am stuck here setting up my company it is the worst time for me to leave. It is not pretty. I feel like in a way I am failing not only SO, but my inlaws, too. And we are on the surface still nowhere nearer closing the distance.

But doing that is not a walk in the park either. His best friend is stuck here because he can't leave the country until he gets his final visa, I know they struggle with money. And even worse, my friend closed the distance with her boyfriend, had a few kids and now they have broken things off.... At least we are not in their shoes.

And then I feel much better about holding on, trying to focus on work, money and other things, being grateful for the closeness we do have, for the visits we will still have, possibly in the future more things will come as well.

He tells me "I wish I was with you" and instead of feeling bitter that he is not, I feel happy that he stands by us. He tells he that he wishes he would hold me, and I can get that same small sense of relief as I do when he is really close. I find that small things like that is what helps us. I am writing my will for the first time ever these days and putting him in it, it is just a small step forward but it feels good.

[SailorRei]

Well, I finally found the courage to talk with my SO. We have decided (or I have) that we'll give it 6 months more and then somebody has to move. So whoever gets stable job first- that's where where we're going to stay. And if it's still not going to happen, I'm going to let it go

[Rezie]

I know talking wasn't easy and now both of you have a lot of pressure when applying. I just hope you feel better about actually having a plan! So well done you and good luck x

[Honour]

Well, I finally found the courage to talk with my SO. We have decided (or I have) that we'll give it 6 months more and then somebody has to move. So whoever gets stable job first- that's where where we're going to stay. And if it's still not going to happen, I'm going to let it go

You've done the right thing, in my opinion. I wish you the best of luck, and hope things work out for you both.