I'm disappointed and my parents dont fully approve, dont know what to do

[chrelnka]

Hi,

I apologize this may be a long one, but I really need some advice please so I would really appreciate any help <3

I've been with my S/O for a year, known him for a year and a half almost. He's really sweet and kind and loving, so respectful. He's my first relationship. I'm 23 but I was homeschooled so never really met anybody. We're 4500 miles apart so it's very long distance. I've met him twice for 3 weeks in total. We get on so well in every way, we are so similar, have the same morals, outlook on life, etc. etc. but he's also not the most "manly" of men. IE he's quite skinny and a bit of a man child, doesnt do any of the stereotypical sport watching, beer drinking, etc. although when it's important he's very level headed and mature. He went to uni, has a degree, graduated 4-5 years ago but only last year got a full time job. He worked part time in a store before then. He worked there for almost a year then ended up quitting because a few things had happened and he had no vacation time left to see me, so he quit his job to come see me for two weeks. I didnt know this as he initially told me he left because he hated it. He is now in agreement it was a stupid decision and he has been religiously looking for work for about 4 months now, but hasnt had any interviews as of yet.

My Dad, who is very stereotypically manly and career oriented is (quite rightfully) concerned as is my mom. They like him as a person but they do not truly believe he's right, they think I deserve better. Problem is they obviously dont know him like I do and dont see his positives, he's really wonderful with me and has values I dont think i'd find in anyone else.

To top this off, it was my first Valentines day properly this year and I didnt get anything because he was late shipping his gift off. He had made me something and because he's a perfectionist he spent longer on it than he meant to. So I still havent recieved it. Once again my parents are both saying that they think he should have sent SOMETHING even if it was just a card. I've always (As stupid as it may be) spent my 23 years always wanting to finally have a card or SOMETHING on valentines day because ive never had it. And I was disappointed but I couldnt exactly be annoyed at him because apparently (according to my best friend who has seen it) it is really special. He has always been very generous with me (bought me a gold engraved bracelet for christmas spent an extortionate amount of money on shipping to get it here in time, has spent time drawing me, etc. etc.) he just sent me a picture of the car he sent me and he's drawn a massive heart on it and always puts so much thought into his gifts. I live in a place that doesnt deliver flowers as I live in a very remote area and nobody delivers here so that wasnt an option for him if anybody is thinking that. Apparently my Dad was really annoyed I didnt get anything for valentines not even a card (he actually ordered a specific card too and it came bent and he didnt want to send me a card like that so he waited for a replacement) and said I deserve better. I just told my SO this and told him that I was disappointed (he asked me at the time if I was but I said I wasnt) and he's so angry at himself and said he feels terrible that he made me cry because it's the worst thing he has ever experienced - seeing my cry.


I just dont know what to do. My parents have every right to feel that way but they dont know him as I do, they keep dropping hints and mentioning things and bringing up about his job a lot and it's so hard to keep making excuses and explaining time and time again. He's trying to find work, he's not in the best line of work so it's more difficult. He apologized profusely it would be late and feels terrible about it. My Mom wishes I'd experienced another relationship before this one, both my parents wish I had another relationship to compare it to because I think they believe im just so blindsided by love I cant see his faults. But I've ALWAYS been a very good judge of character, hes a wonderful human with a great family, he's genuine, he has pictures of me all over his wall! I'm not blindsided because every issue they bring up to me I myself have thought about or talked with him about and he completely understands.

What do I do? I'm just holding on hoping that he'll finally get a great job that will make my parents think higher of him, it's just hard because I constantly have this pit in my stomach because I know deep down my parents worry about me and their opinion matters to me most. I explain everything to them, tell him how lovely he is, my mom often says she thinks it's all words and reminds her of her ex husband who said all these lovely things but didnt mean them. My SO shows his love to me in many ways, they think that just because he says these lovely things to me I'm besotted and can see no wrong. It's just so hard for me because he is wonderful but no matter what I say it's never fully taken in, I think they think that because ive not had a relationship before I dont know what im doing. I deserve a man with an amazing job who will take care of me and be strong and confident, which I am not. I may not have relationship experience but I have people experience, I know what people are like, women, horror stories of my moms previous relationships, my dads, etc. I'm not stupid or a child, I cant seem to make them see that though. They dont see him enough or speak to him enough to understand what he's truly like than if I had someone local who they would see in the house every other day or so. But I cant just leave him "oh I just need to go try another relationship first then i'll come back to you" it doesnt work like that as much as I too kind of wish I'd had previous relationship experience.

Thank you

[Freebird]

First about the valentine gift being sent out late... honestly I wouldn't even worry about that. He took the time to make you something personal, so what it will be a little late? The thought was there and isn't that what counts? It really shouldn't matter that it wouldn't arrive specifically on February 14th, 2017. Yes it would be lovely for it to arrive right on Valentine's, but life isn't perfect. I wouldn't be hard on him for that. Did you send him anything?

I totally understand respecting your parent's opinions, but as adults we will not always live up to their ideas and expectations. Parents will always want their children to have the ideal situation but, again, life is far from perfect. If your relationship is going well, if you understand that LDRs can be very difficult, and you have positive feelings for your SO, let the relationship continue to grow and see where things take you- it has only been a year. While your relationship grows, I personally would keep specific details at a minimum when speaking to your parents about your boyfriend. You are in a relationship with him, not them. You need to use your judgement as you know him better than they do.

Good luck!

[chrelnka]

Thanks for your kind response - yeah I know I was upset at first about it being late as it was my first Valentines day and every year since I was about 10 I said to my mom "maybe next year i'll get something from someone" so obviously she has had to endure that from me for years haha. But I got over it pretty quickly, it was only because my mom just brought it up to me yesterday that she and my dad were upset as they knew how high in regard I have always held valentines day, and I didnt even have a card. (He put it in the box, but my parents argument is that he isnt working he should have had plenty of time, his reasoning is that he spent longer than he wanted to as he wnted it to be perfect and that mattered more to him)

Yes I sent him a big box as it's also his birthday on the 14th. It is going well, we get on great, it's just hard sometimes as I know my parents would probably prefer me to be with someone with a good career, aspirations, etc. he has aspirations he just is without a job as of yet so that makes it doubly hard to keep explaining. He''s good to me, really, really wonderful, and i'm so grateful for him. It's just hard because they dont personally get to see how he truly is as often as they would if we were short distance. Thanks

[sasad]

As a parent, I understand what they are going through. They don't want you to get hurt or go through the painful things we did. We also want what is best for you. Sometimes we are right, sometimes wrong.
I think my concern is that he quit a job because he didn't have vacation time. Especially if his field is a harder one to get into. There are other options. I used to take unpaid leave when I was in a job that had limited time. And add the fact that you didn't get your card, and parents seeing you upset, that just adds fuel to the fire.

This statement "But I cant just leave him "oh I just need to go try another relationship first then i'll come back to you" it doesnt work like that as much as I too kind of wish I'd had previous relationship experience." That you kinda wish you had experience... That will lead to regrets down the road.
So he made you a gift -that took him too long and had a card that was bent he couldn't send? I understand how tha hurt, especially since you did have expectations. Did he give you an update as to when you can expect it?

My suggestion to you would be to find a meet up or a group that you can do stuff with. not Dates, but hobbies or interest that can fill time, allow you to socialize and maybe help your parents relax a bit. You could meet a variety of people

You are lucky.. Your parents obviously love you, and they are not forbidding a relationship.. they are just giving you questions to ask yourself.

[chrelnka]

Yeah the job thing was a terrible mistake on his part and I think he understands that now, I've spoken to him about it a lot. I've told him that I want someone who is career oriented and I dont want someone who will quit their job for reasons like that. I dont believe he had any unpaid leave time left, but yes he's been looking for 4 months and until he gets one I wont be at ease. I've given him the benefit of the doubt about it to see how it goes when he does get another job. I definitely dont feel he's a quitter, he has worked since he was 16 in a store for 7 years, it's just a bad bad mistake he made leaving his full time job.

That is my main concern, I DO wish I had previous experience in regards to judging my feelings and knowing if they are normal. I dont need relationship experience to know that we FIT so SO well. I've never been so comfortable around a guy nor a female friend for that matter. It has never once been awkward between us and this is coming from someone who never had ease making friends. I would never even look a man in the eyes then I met my SO physically and we clicked instantly and I could be myself with him so easily. It's special and he's so understanding of me whenever I bring up concerns or issues.

He himself has apologized to me that he is my first relationship but he'd never stop fighting for me, he loves me so incredibly much. I'm ridiculously lucky and my friend and his friends are always saying how lucky I am. I dont take him for granted! I genuinely cant see my life without him in it, it's like he's always been there.

My parents (especially my mom) really do like him, he's very sweet, my mom just keeps having these "red flags" as she calls them because of the job situation and because of this as well. I dont think this whole vday thing is really much of an issue, sure I was upset but I feel that them bringing it up has just brought it back to me.

[sasad]

Please don't ever make excused for how you feel
I think most of us feel that I cant live without him/her stage. We call it the honeymoon stage. Then reality sets in. THAT will tell you how things will be really . Give your self time Give them time