Unconscious Cognition

[VideoGamerShane]

So I'm a member of a dating site and when doing Long Distance Relationships, I often don't put pressure on the girl to like me. But they end up after awhile saying they want to be in a relationship with me and/or be exclusive. Usually after they do this, they happen to let it slip later on that they are still on the dating site talking to men. It ends up that I stop talking to them because I feel they are being flakey, and their final words to me are "Since we haven't been on a first date yet, we can't truely be exclusive" when a few days before, they were telling me that we were in a relationship.

I was wondering what to do in these situations? Because it has happened to me two or three times now.

[Harlequin]

I would talk to potential partners about boundaries in the relationship before agreeing to enter one. While LDRs are getting to be more common, there are still a lot of people out there who don't quite get it. There's nothing wrong with being like "If we're going to do this, I want it to be an exclusive relationship" upfront.

[VideoGamerShane]

Actually that's part of the problem. I often date 21 year olds, because over 50% of the women who message me for some reason are those, and if you talk to them about being exclusive, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I'm not sure what the problem is, but it's like these women don't actually know the definition of the word "exclusive". They will act like they understand all disclaimers you put out, then continue on the dating site. It's to the point where I just have to tell them to delete every dating profile, and I feel that's mean because then they have to remake them if things don't work out.

[whatruckus]

Actually that's part of the problem. I often date 21 year olds, because over 50% of the women who message me for some reason are those, and if you talk to them about being exclusive, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I'm not sure what the problem is, but it's like these women don't actually know the definition of the word "exclusive". They will act like they understand all disclaimers you put out, then continue on the dating site. It's to the point where I just have to tell them to delete every dating profile, and I feel that's mean because then they have to remake them if things don't work out.

Honestly, it could be the age gap and different stages. At 21, if they're in the US, that's the legal drinking age. Most of my friends partied hard because they could go out to the bars. Also, they're just graduating from college and starting their new life. At our age, since I'm only a year older, we're looking more to settle down and have a relationship. Maybe try women more around our age bracket?

[VideoGamerShane]

Do you think I should put something on my profile like "won't date anyone under 25"? It will cut out like 50% of the messages I receive, but may gain the respect of older women. Then again since I'm receiving less messages, I may have to answer from the women older than me too. Which is something I guess I don't mind, but after 32 it feels weird to me.

[whatruckus]

I don't think you need to put that in your profile, but be just be a little more cautious if you do message a woman around 21'ish. What site is it, if you don't mind me asking?

[VideoGamerShane]

Plenty of Fish. I know it's not the best site, but it's free/less expensive and it gets me 5-10 girls messaging a day vs. only 2-3 on Okcupid. (not to say that I answer every last message)

[Moon]

If you're serious about this, maybe you should try a pay site, instead of free? If you have to pay, you're likely to be more interested in exclusivity and not just leaving a profile to sit open because it's free. Younger people have less disposable income, therefore are less likely to use something they have to pay for, unless they're serious about it. Also, not *all* 21 year olds are like that, just a lot of them. If you add that disclaimer, you might miss out on meeting some great girls. Good luck.

[Honour]

I have to say I agree with Moon. Not all 21 year olds are gonna be immature or flakey or something similar. Also, you may find quality over quantity when it comes to a paid dating site. People who are genuinely interested are more likely to be found on those sites which are paid for rather than free. Just a bit of my past experience.

[whatruckus]

Yeah, I agree with Moon, that's why I recommend you not put that disclaimer up.

Here's the thing about POF, I met my last ex (that I joined this site for) on it. We were together for 3 years. Seems like it's changed a lot over the years. I'm on just about every single dating site (not an exaggeration), I like having options right now. I pay for all of them because you get more features and you're able to filter out messages. Right now, I'm talking to someone I met on OkC that I really like, and so far we get along very well. POF has become a big site for hooking up, not to say that there isn't a chance you won't find someone credible, but it's pretty hard now. Back when I first started using it, when I was like 24, most of the guys were interested in getting to know me and meeting up (not hooking up). Now, I get a lot of guys who are only looking for a FWB or hook up type thing. Even though it's on my profile that I said I don't want that. The quality of people seems to be a bit higher on OkC. You could also try Bumble, which is like Tinder, but the woman has to message you if she's interested if you mutually match. Plus, Bumble seems more relationship-minded, whereas Tinder is mostly about hooking up. Coffee Meets Bagel is okay, but it's mostly a paid site.

Advice for your profile:

- More than one picture: 1 good one of your face smiling, 1 of your body (not naked, but so they can see what kind of body type you have, no shirtless pics or gym selfies), pic of you doing an activity you enjoy (Idk, hiking, or even gaming), if you have a dog/cat/pet maybe one of you with it, if you have any pics with your friends, put that up too.
- Actually write something in your profile. Like a paragraph about yourself. Mention some likes/dislikes, but don't give out too much. A woman who's really interested will read your profile and hopefully message you something that has to do with what you wrote.

When I see someone hasn't written anything in their profile, I don't bother. I like knowing a little bit about someone before I message them to get the conversation flowing.

[VideoGamerShane]

Actually I can chip in and give people some advice for posting on a site like Plenty of Fish too. Mine is actually different: People care too much about their profile. All you have to do is click around the site and click everyone's profile within a 150 mile radius and you'll get more responses on there than those guys worrying about what their profile looks like and getting 1 message a day, or maybe two if they take some advice and perfect their profile. Whenever you click someone's profile, it gets into their Viewed list and a lot of women pay attention to that.

I know other tricks for POF too.

Not sure if this works for other sites though.

If I was to solicit advice on what I should do next, I'm wondering what paid site I should try. "Match" when I tried it just had most of the POF girls on there but maybe I didn't give it enough chance.

[whatruckus]

Actually I can chip in and give people some advice for posting on a site like Plenty of Fish too. Mine is actually different: People care too much about their profile. All you have to do is click around the site and click everyone's profile within a 150 mile radius and you'll get more responses on there than those guys worrying about what their profile looks like and getting 1 message a day, or maybe two if they take some advice and perfect their profile. Whenever you click someone's profile, it gets into their Viewed list and a lot of women pay attention to that.

I know other tricks for POF too.

Not sure if this works for other sites though.

If I was to solicit advice on what I should do next, I'm wondering what paid site I should try. "Match" when I tried it just had most of the POF girls on there but maybe I didn't give it enough chance.

I'm really picky. Lmao. If the guy has only 1 picture, and it's not a very good one, I won't message him. If they had nothing in their profile other than a bunch of "..." just to fulfill the character limit, I won't message him. It takes 2 mins to write a little something in the profile. Right now, I've had my dating profiles up for over a year. I do check my "Viewed Me", but again, I only click on their profiles if they're around my area and age bracket, and as shallow as it sounds, they have a good main profile pic. If it's dark, or it's them with friends and I can't tell which one is them, I don't bother. I'm extremely picky because I'm actually looking for something that could turn into a relationship.

I don't like Match, or eHarmony. At all. I don't feel they work. I have more luck with OkC to be honest. Lol. You can do OkC for free, but if you pay, you can filter messages by what you're "Looking For". Or buy "Boosts" which spreads your profile more, kind of like POF's "Highlight" feature.

[VideoGamerShane]

Don't get me wrong, I've written great profiles a few times, but they tend to go over people's head. I found that if I really want responses, to write in my profile "I rarely/never message first, so you'll just have to message me." and it somehow almost doubles my rate of responses.