USA -->Australia advice

[Sherry77]

Hi.. im so glad I found a place I can ask for advice in my long distance relationship.. My story very briefly:
I live in USA since 12 years and I met my love online, he is an Australian. I am a mother of one child and he has 3 kids, one of which is 18. We have been talking since almost a year and we Skype regularly, our kids interact via social media and so forth. We love each other and everything is going great, but I have a few concerns. Maybe they are little things, but they had me wonder.
1. This was our first Valentine's Day. I asked him for his address to send him and his kids a present. He said he was flattered and send me the address. When I looked the adresss up, it was an address at a suite that was at his local mall / shopping center. I thought it was weird and I asked about it as no one that I know from his family worked at a mall. He said that indeed this address was not him home one, but it is where he gets his mail delivered.. I didn't feel right.. maybe I'm overreacting. When he asked for my address, I gave him my home one without hesitation.
2. We are planning to meet in the next few months and he said since I have one kid and he has 3, it would be more economically smart decision for us to fly over rather then for him and the kids. He said it would be way cheaper for us. Then he said that for us to have a good time while there, we will need about Aus. $ 2000 for like 2 weeks. I don't know, this plus tickets seem a lot to me. He invited us to his house, so we wouldn't pay for a hotel. Is it smart to stay at his house the very first time we will be meeting him, considering I will have my child with me? I trust him, but still I think hotel, at least for the first few days would be more appropriate. What do you guys think? Also, a few of my coworkers in a LDRs suggested that even if I'm the one to go there, we should both pinch in moneywise. I would indeed use all my savings to go there, but I hate asking for miney, I'm just not comfortable.. we both have equally good jobs, so I'm not sure what to do here too. He is not planning to be coming here to see me, he said if things go well those 2 weeks, we should go and spend the summer there. So that would be us traveling once in April and again, in the summer.
3. We discussed that if things go well and he is/we are pretty optimistic that they will, he wants us to move to Australia. He doesn't want to leave Australia, and live here with us. He said we will only visit USA as a vacation spot. I'm from South America originally and have only a few family members here in the U.S., I have moved once and I can move again. However, I imagined that if we decide to be together, we would get married and I will move that way. I have recently, about a 1.5 years ago graduated registered nursing and he wants me apply into the Australian board of nursing and get my license approved to be able to work in Australia. Then I should apply for a work visa and immigrate to Australia that way. I looked all this info up and it seems quite complicated and based on some sort of a point system, that I don't think I would score high enough to easily immigrate to Australia. If he and his kids were willing to move here with me instead, and I have decided that after meeting in person I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I would marry him and get them all here, settled, after which we can work on everything else together.
I don't know, am I overthinking or being unreasonable? I just don't feel at ease.. I'm really new to all this and unsure of how things are supposed to be done. Any advice will be so welcome and appreciated. Thank you!!

[Sparkling72]

first of all... Hi and Welcome!

I would agree with your friends that a hotel the first few days would be wise, especially if you are bringing your child with you. You don't want to force your child into an uncomfortable situation either. Meeting each other for the first time, I'm not sure I'd bring my kid along, but I don't see where you said how old your child is... so that would depend for me as well. Did he offer to help pay for your plane tickets? I get that you would save money if/when you stay at his house, but he knows it's expensive and he invited you out. That's a really hard one, actually. I still hate taking money from my SO and technically he lives with me (well, his stuff does, he's active duty military and is deployed). On one hand, he should help b/c you're in this LDR together and sharing the burden of expenses really is part of it. Then on the other hand, if things don't go well, you don't want to feel like you now "owe" him something.... the first time is always a tough one. When SO and I had to fly across the country to see each other, our deal was, whoever flew would buy their own ticket and the other would pay for the hotel and we'd split our entertainment expenses. That was fair. He tells you to plan to spend $2k for 2 wks?? that seems like an awful lot, but I dont know how much things cost in AUS either. Maybe it is good to plan for that much money just in case you do stay at a hotel the whole time. A lot of thinking to do... what does your gut instinct tell you?

[Moon]

I would NOT be okay with someone expecting me to pay for 2 flight tickets, and all of my own expenses, I'm sorry but that's crap. I agree Sparkling72 that you should probably have that much, but not for your expenses, more to have enough to get out of there if it isn't working out. I don't know, any guy that expects me to do the visits and pay for them myself, then also pay for all my expenses while there (and also be the one to move!), just wouldn't be worth that kind of dent in my bank account. That, to me, is incredibly selfish and suspicious.

The way we do it is the visiting person pays for the flights, and the person being visited pays most of the other expenses. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, no one in a relationship should have to shoulder most of the financial burden for visits. LDR's aren't cheap, you'll find that out soon, and a fair division of expenses is to be expected. Don't let him talk you into paying for everything.

[maybesomeday]

1: Doesn't sound suspicious at all.
2: I can understand his point on it being more cheaper for you to visit him, rather than he visit you, because he has more people to pay for. And he really isn't far off in saying $2,000 as spending money and such is needed. Australia is an expensive country, even when you try to budget. It's just how it is. If you wanna shop and explore and do activities, none of it is free and a lot of it comes at a high cost. Accommodation is expensive also, even your rather generic hotels/motels aren't very cheap. However, the main goal is to meet, and so knowing that it will be such an expensive trip, he should chip in. It may not be the best to stay as his place as soon as you get there, so he should at least go halves for accommodation. Same as with any activities and such that you both do, the price should all be halved. In my opinion, you shouldn't even have to ask, he should have offered already. But maybe you do need to bring it up. I do not understand why he has said he wont visit you, and is relying on you to visit him both times. That is unfair and doesn't seem as if he's making equal effort in the relationship. I would definitely talk to him about this, and hope that he can agree to a compromise; everything cannot fall to you through the entire relationship. LDR's are already hard enough, don't let him put everything onto you.
3: Even though marriage seems like the easier way to move here if things go well between you two, maybe he doesn't want to consider marriage as an option until you're already here and have lived together for a period of time. Going through the right channels and getting your license and visa approved would be best, in my opinion, but he should help you with that as much as he can.

Ultimately, if you're feeling uneasy and apprehensive about things, talk to him. Explain how you're feeling, get your thoughts out in the open, and communicate. Good luck.

[80anthea]

I agree with the others that making you pay for everything is very unfair, even though I earn more than my SO we do usually try and split the costs of everything, I usually get the flight as that is the most expensive then he pays for everything else during the visit - food, travel, entertainment etc. Surely he can chip in with something, especially as he's not willing to fly to you?

[sasad]

1: Doesn't sound suspicious at all.
2: I can understand his point on it being more cheaper for you to visit him, rather than he visit you, because he has more people to pay for. And he really isn't far off in saying $2,000 as spending money and such is needed. Australia is an expensive country, even when you try to budget. It's just how it is. If you wanna shop and explore and do activities, none of it is free and a lot of it comes at a high cost. Accommodation is expensive also, even your rather generic hotels/motels aren't very cheap. However, the main goal is to meet, and so knowing that it will be such an expensive trip, he should chip in. It may not be the best to stay as his place as soon as you get there, so he should at least go halves for accommodation. Same as with any activities and such that you both do, the price should all be halved. In my opinion, you shouldn't even have to ask, he should have offered already. But maybe you do need to bring it up. I do not understand why he has said he wont visit you, and is relying on you to visit him both times. That is unfair and doesn't seem as if he's making equal effort in the relationship. I would definitely talk to him about this, and hope that he can agree to a compromise; everything cannot fall to you through the entire relationship. LDR's are already hard enough, don't let him put everything onto you.
3: Even though marriage seems like the easier way to move here if things go well between you two, maybe he doesn't want to consider marriage as an option until you're already here and have lived together for a period of time. Going through the right channels and getting your license and visa approved would be best, in my opinion, but he should help you with that as much as he can.

Ultimately, if you're feeling uneasy and apprehensive about things, talk to him. Explain how you're feeling, get your thoughts out in the open, and communicate. Good luck.

Sorry.just have to disagree a bit... the US is plenty expensive in a lot of places. So the cost of which is more is not a given. And one of his children is 18. Legally an adult. It is cheaper to fly to places at different times of the year as we.. And there is absolutly us??nothing free to do at all in Australia?? Beaches, museums etc?? Thats seems so crazy to me..

[sasad]

Got to agree with Moon. You did say he has three kids, but one is 18. How old is yours? Also how are the children's other parents with all this? We ALWYS share cost. Or we help each other out. My SO stays with me more, and feeds/gets my son off th school. Makes me dinner for the week etc. It's all about compromise. I would feel a little concerned that he has made the final decisions on where you wil live and what's considered vacation places. I dont know..
I would price out airbnb and compare cost etc. You DONT know how its going to be when you actually meet up. Enter to play it safe.
About th mail. That is weird to me, but maybe its like a po box ??

[jarrybotter]

Point 1: I dont think there is anything wrong with that at all - many people here have parcels delivered to PO boxes at their nearest PO branch (often in shopping centres), especially if they live in an area that has had mailbox theft in the past. Its just a more secure way to ensure receipt of the parcels. Australia post (the postal service here) has a bad habit of dropping parcels outside doors unless you specifically ask for the parcel to be signed for which anyone can help themselves to.

Point 2: My US fiancee was here in Sydney for 2 weeks and together we went through about $1500 and didnt purchase anything lavish so his estimate is not off by much at all. Practically everything in Australia is more expensive than in the US - even itunes is more expensive for aussies. If you look up the website "expatistan" you can compare the cost of living in your 2 cities to get an idea of it. Minimum national wage here for an adult is $17.70 per hour - prices of everything reflect that as the starting point.
I agree with the others - try an airBnB if cost is an issue, but he should definetely be contributing more and aiming to meet you halfway on overall expenses. Additionally, if his eldest child is 18, can't he leave his 18 year old (a legally responsible adult) at home or with their mates, and rope the eldest child in with the mother(s) of his other two kids and maybe other family members or friends to help share responsibility of the younger siblings for 2 weeks while he flies alone to see you and spend some quality time together? Of course it depends on the ages of all the kids but thats something to think about.

Point 3: You are correct - is a very complicated and expensive point system to immigrate here - priority is given to skilled migrants with jobs in desired fields. Nursing might fulfill a "desired field" since i dont think there can ever be enough nurses, but the government might think otherwise. Is his job transferrable to the US?? I think if you guys get married you will be able to circumvent the points system but until youre sure, its difficult. As always, having kids complicates things a lot, and again depending on their ages he might not be able to up and move to the USA (e.g. education wise). But as far as the finances go he needs to compromise for you more than he currently is. You are not being unreasonable at all - every concern is a valid one

[maybesomeday]

Sorry.just have to disagree a bit... the US is plenty expensive in a lot of places. So the cost of which is more is not a given. And one of his children is 18. Legally an adult. It is cheaper to fly to places at different times of the year as we.. And there is absolutly us??nothing free to do at all in Australia?? Beaches, museums etc?? Thats seems so crazy to me..

I'm talking about if they wanna go to zoos or out for dinner. Go to beaches or museums, whatever, but most things cost money. If they wanna eat at the museum it costs money. They can take their own food if they like, but if not, it costs money. However, the point is, money is involved and he should go in halves. That's the whole point of this. Funny how you focus on minor things in my post, when all I was trying to point out was that things are expensive and her partner should chip in no matter what. Sorry if I said "None of it is free", but I had other activities in mind other than just the free beach. But seriously...that wasn't even the overall point of my post. Just trying to help.

[AirportGirl]

Ohhhh nooooo! I'm sorry, but this does NOT sound good. I have dated 2 Australian men, and the first one had a similar approach about certain things....most of them FINANCIAL. For you to have a good time, you should bring about $2000. I got told the same thing. There is a strange difference in how Aussie men perceive paying for things.
Half it, take turns, etc...but the most uncomfortable scenario is when they look at you and bluntly say : "I've spent a lot of money for stuff, it's your turn." And they don't say it like a gentlemen....they MEAN IT, and there's no sugar-coating it. Wait until you pull into a gas station and he turns to you and says "I need money for petrol, you have to contribute."
I liked how mine were very chivalrous aside from the money issues. In a new relationship they cook for you, serve you, they are very protective of you, but at the same time, they expect you to keep up with you....not used to taking a train everywhere? Oh well, they love to see your reaction to their way of life, but it includes laughing when your not used to holding on....they can be kinda rude.
Ok, he's already decided it's a good idea for you to be an RN over there? Well, isn't that nice of him. EXCUSE ME?
Stay at his place? Then why doesn't he get his mail at his house?
This dude is living "On the Dole." He doesn't work. I wouldn't be surprised if he's lying to you about everything.

[AirportGirl]

And I should apologize for being so negative. Even though it's only my opinion, and all AUSSIE MEN are not the same, this guy seems TOO pushy already, it's as if he's decided in his head already what you should do. It's not appropriate conversation- you and he haven't even met in person yet! He should be making "plans" for your visit, such as interesting places to go, etc...not "plans" for a future! It's okay to talk about possibilities if things between the two of you end up great, but he's got too many details ALREADY included.

[AirportGirl]

Is it easier to do a De Facto partnership? I read up on it but don't remember the details.

[izzy_pop]

I just read through your post and everyone else's comments. Mind you, I'm a lot younger and less experienced in this field. Do you feel like he prioritizes your relationship in other ways? Do you ever sense something off in his body language when you Skype?
I recently started talking to an Australian guy about a week ago and he was telling me all about the stuff he wants to take me to go do. Date nights, movie nights, go to the park etc. For me, I haven't had someone to flat out say that he wanted to TAKE me to do things. I hope that your Aussie has told you about plans for when you come visit. You deserve to feel like a queen.