She broke off at the last phase and the guilt is killing me

[baabidi]

Hi all, I really am desperate for some perspective on the problems I'm facing currently. The guilt is killing me inside for making her wait so long. I've been in LDR with her from the past 3 years, its been too long for her and she doesn't want to wait anymore. I have flew there couple of times to meet her. Since last year most of our fights is due to distance and the promises I broke.

I promised her I would move there last year. The only way for me to move there is to enroll in Master's program and eventually get a job and settle there. The issue is I have bad grades and its very tough for me to get accepted to a University. The only way for me to stand a chance is to improve my profile and I decided to get a job where I currently live, work on challenging projects and improve my skills. Its been nearly 1 and a half years and I have achieved a lot at work. Developed my own apps, worked hard at work and I'm about to quit my job here to focus on moving there. The plan is for me to move there in a few months. She has been supportive of this and waited patiently but lately she always fights with me, calls me coward, saying I shouldn't have taken this job and moved there last year. I told her my fears of not getting into a University and its the only option for me to close the distance but she says I'm just making bullshit excuses. I regret not studying hard in college.

If I can't get into University where she lives, the relationship is over. That is why I'm so scared. She always reminds me of the promise I broke, starts fighting and I try to convince her and she says I'm the one who starts the fights and deletes me, breaks up with me.. its been more than a week and she says she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

[Hersheybar]

That's tough. Hard to deal with for sure. Seems like you have one more shot though. Ball is in your court. She wants more than another year of waiting

[baabidi]

That's tough. Hard to deal with for sure. Seems like you have one more shot though. Ball is in your court. She wants more than another year of waiting

I'm not going to force her to be with me, I will leave the decision to her. I deserve this for breaking the promise and hurting her. I regret a lot but I will work on becoming a better man. I feel too ashamed and guilty to even talk to her, I feel like letting her go and not suffer because of me.

[Rezie]

I'm in a similar situation and obviously I'm not your gf but she might be going through something similar so I hope this will give you some perspective. At the end of this story you won't get a solution.

So me and my bf were together about 3,5 years when I started to feel that LDR without any sort of end date plan was not enough for me anymore.* So we made a plan of him moving here once his contract finishes in 3 months. Well after the 3 months he renewed it since it made sense for him to make more money and gain more experience before moving.* Another 6 months passed. Then he came over for a longer visit. The idea was for him to look for work but I'm not very convinced he was actually ready to move.* He didn't find work and said he will take one more contract and then come back. Well working only 3 months in the financial year makes no sense in CV so he renewed his contract for another 4 months. He never actually promised to move but it was strongly implied. All his reasons makes sense and I understand them. I just don't trust him anymore which is making me doubt him as a person, it hurting my self confidence and making me anxious. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to take him into account when making plans or make plans and then he will just have to adjust. It just causes me a lot of anxiety and stress.* Honestly, I love him but I have to take care of myself as well.* It is easier to handle fights than knowing I will get disappointed again if/when he doesn't show up. When the trust is gone in a relationship it's difficult to rebuild it. And the whole situation is making me gain independence and making me lose interest in communication (what's the point since his never gonna be part of my life)* and me building my life on my own. He is just turning into a guy who I text with small talk instead of someone I share my future with.*

I have a thread about Ultimatums (ultimatums-sometimes necessary or emotional abuse?) I personally don't like them. But if she is done with distance I think it is fair for you to know how it can be fixed. I do understand it gives you pressure but sometimes another x months or x years feel long when it is affecting your life. Have you talked to admission* or applied before so you kow you wouldn't have gotten in? Or can you only apply once and after that you can't apply again? All you can is tell her a plan and see what she says. If she sill doenst want to try then you just have to wish her all the best. If she agrees to your plan then you have to deliver or accept the consequences.

Edit: I don't know where the *came ftom.

[R&R]

Hi all, I really am desperate for some perspective on the problems I'm facing currently. The guilt is killing me inside for making her wait so long. I've been in LDR with her from the past 3 years, its been too long for her and she doesn't want to wait anymore. I have flew there couple of times to meet her. Since last year most of our fights is due to distance and the promises I broke.

I promised her I would move there last year. The only way for me to move there is to enroll in Master's program and eventually get a job and settle there. The issue is I have bad grades and its very tough for me to get accepted to a University. The only way for me to stand a chance is to improve my profile and I decided to get a job where I currently live, work on challenging projects and improve my skills. Its been nearly 1 and a half years and I have achieved a lot at work. Developed my own apps, worked hard at work and I'm about to quit my job here to focus on moving there. The plan is for me to move there in a few months. She has been supportive of this and waited patiently but lately she always fights with me, calls me coward, saying I shouldn't have taken this job and moved there last year. I told her my fears of not getting into a University and its the only option for me to close the distance but she says I'm just making bullshit excuses. I regret not studying hard in college.

If I can't get into University where she lives, the relationship is over. That is why I'm so scared. She always reminds me of the promise I broke, starts fighting and I try to convince her and she says I'm the one who starts the fights and deletes me, breaks up with me.. its been more than a week and she says she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

It looks like your original plan didn't work out and so you started a new plan to get there. Granted, it would take you longer, but the ultimate goal was there. Welcome to real life - things don't always go as planned. My SO and I have been together almost 3 1/2 years and we were supposed to move last year. Things happened and it didn't happen. If it's really what you want, you adjust and keep going.

She's broken up with you. She's guilted you for not being able to meet your original promise but gave you no credit for what you've done to readjust and do your best to make it happen. She has some growing up to do and it's going to be a hard lesson for her if she thinks things in any aspect of life always go just as planned. Time for you to move forward with YOUR life and then find someone who can act like an adult when things don't go exactly their way.

[Rezie]

It looks like your original plan didn't work out and so you started a new plan to get there. Granted, it would take you longer, but the ultimate goal was there. Welcome to real life - things don't always go as planned. My SO and I have been together almost 3 1/2 years and we were supposed to move last year. Things happened and it didn't happen. If it's really what you want, you adjust and keep going.

She's broken up with you. She's guilted you for not being able to meet your original promise but gave you no credit for what you've done to readjust and do your best to make it happen. She has some growing up to do and it's going to be a hard lesson for her if she thinks things in any aspect of life always go just as planned. Time for you to move forward with YOUR life and then find someone who can act like an adult when things don't go exactly their way.

I agree and disagree with you. Things don’t necessarily go as planned and you have to readjust and make a new plan. I can appreciate his efforts to work hard to compensate for bad grades. Sometimes the distance just gets to you and you can’t do it anymore. Especially when you have for a long time had your eye set on a date. When promises have been broken it feels like you can’t trust the other persons word when they say they are coming over. In this case I don’t think it’s childish or thinking that you always get what you want. I believe there is a difference between “I promise I will move there in august 2016” and “I will apply for masters course, but due to my bad grades it’s possible I won’t get in and in that case I will have to work here for additional 1,5 years”. We don’t know obviously in this case what the conversation has been like or the timeline when it has been planned. Making the other person feel guilty is never ok and in a moment of frustration and anger it’s easier to blame the other one.

to the OP: R&R is right. You have done your best and worked hard. You should be proud of that. Just think about it in a way that you worked hard to invest in your future, not because of a girl. Sometimes thigs don’t work out the way we want to. Would you definitely have moved in a few months for good? So that you got in to the masters program? Cause if the subject still interests you and it is a school you want to attend then you could still do it for yourself

[jarrybotter]

You can also move to Australia for 2 years on a young persons working visa - costs around $440 to apply. Have a look at the Australian government's visa finder website (type that into google) and see what all your options are. I personally dont know how she can break up with you over something so insignificant to your long term happiness and call you a coward when youre obviously trying and working hard.... Maybe she should try moving to your country if she cant understand how difficult it is. If you need a couple more years to get to a point where you can comfortably move, by all means do it, but at the same time you have to ask yourself Is she really worth it? I would suggest you dont move countries for someone who is not 100% invested in your future together.

[Rezie]

You can also move to Australia for 2 years on a young persons working visa - costs around $440 to apply. Have a look at the Australian government's visa finder website (type that into google) and see what all your options are. I personally dont know how she can break up with you over something so insignificant to your long term happiness and call you a coward when youre obviously trying and working hard.... Maybe she should try moving to your country if she cant understand how difficult it is. If you need a couple more years to get to a point where you can comfortably move, by all means do it, but at the same time you have to ask yourself Is she really worth it? I would suggest you dont move countries for someone who is not 100% invested in your future together.

I think that in the end we all have an endpoint till we can do LDR. For some people it is 2 months, some 2 years and some 20 years. Hers was just sooner than his. "Insignificant" 2 years can feel a really long time when you are unhappy. It just comes down to evaluating the options. Also from the other person what is their timeline and comfort level in moving. I dot think anyone expects moving abroad is easy. There are various reasons why couples decide on a certain place.