Possible 2nd chance w/ the girl of my dreams, but how do I approach it?

[cool87]

(I apologize in advance for so much writing, but I condensed my story as much as I could while maintaining the important details. Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this)

I (29yo male) grew up in Germany and no longer talk with any childhood friends, so I wanted to find a penpal in Germany so I don’t lose my fluency. Last year in April a girl (26yo) from Germany messaged me on a penpal site. We wrote for about a month, initially in English. Even though her English was great she wanted to improve it so we agreed to switch between that and German occasionally to benefit us both.

We talked every single day. After 2 months we became really good friends, really close actually. Eventually exchanged numbers and started talking through iMessage. Sometime in July I started to have strong feelings for her, and it was pretty clear to me she did too, though we hadn’t FaceTimed yet. I decided to tell her how I felt, and unsurprisingly she told me she felt the same. But she was really hesitant to do anything with her feelings because of the distance. So after many nights of heart to hearts and talking about "us" we both decided that we didn’t wanna look back one day and regret not having tried especially cause of how great we got along, so we decided to try it and see where this takes us.

It quickly became romantic. From about July-October things were really amazing. We texted, FaceTimed, sent voice messages, pictures, etc. We talked every single day, sometimes for hours, for 7 months straight, never missed a day. We left each other morning texts daily, and treated each other as if we were in a relationship, even though we didn't have a label. And she’s by far the most amazing girl I’ve ever met, I'm willing to say girl of my dreams. But sometime in October she became distant and quiet. The morning texts stopped, so did the romance. We still talked daily but it was different. I continued to send morning texts, but after a while she stopped responding to those. So in November I gave her a week of space. She didn’t say a word to me so on my birthday that month I decided that I couldn’t go another day without her so I texted her. We had a normal convo as we always did. It was a little romantic, some hearts and kisses. And at the end of it she asked me if I loved her. I told her that I didn’t, but I’m not sure if that was the truth. I definitely fell for her, much harder than ever before, but I don’t know if it was love. She said that she’s glad I didn’t cause it would be weird. I let that go, I didn’t want to know why.

Then the next day I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. A few days later I tried again, and she told me it was about time she told me the truth. I knew it couldn’t be a catfish because I’ve seen and heard her, and I have her address because we’ve exchanged gifts previously. The only thing it could be was that she met someone. And unsurprisingly, she told me that day that she met a boy and that they’ve been dating for about 4 weeks which lines up with the time she started being distant. I was so so heartbroken. She felt terrible that she didn’t tell me sooner. I took some time alone to think about things, and she means so much to me that I decided I needed to have her in my life, even if just as friends, because after all, she became my best friend, she was someone I talked to from the moment I woke up, to the moment she went to bed (6 hour time difference). I always told her everything on my mind. I never held back, I think one of the things that’s so different about her is that I’ve never felt so free and so emotionally connected and comfortable with anyone before.

We agreed to stay friends. It was really weird for me for a long time cause I had such strong feelings for her. Sometimes when I wanted to talk she would turn me down because her boyfriend was coming over. A few times I expressed how badly that made me feel. So we came to an understanding of when it was okay for us to talk and when it wasn’t. Their schedule wasn’t always consistent but I had a general idea. Saturday and Sunday were always their days, and 2-3 random days during the week. Whenever I didn’t get a response from her it always meant that she was with him. But I could text her in the mornings cause he’s never there in the morning and she always made it a point to reply.

She said she wanted me to try harder to get over her, to go date and meet people. She said if I wanted it, she would leave me alone and never speak to me again, to which I gave a hard no to. I tried dating and it wasn’t working out at all. But we continued being friends. Throughout Xmas we talked a lot, almost daily. She even started leaving me morning messages and things were really great between us, it was as if nothing had changed except that the romance was gone and that we were just friends.

But about a month ago things changed again. She got very quiet again. She started ignoring me, even on days I knew she could talk. I could always tell from how she talked to me whether she was unhappy or bothered by something. And I could see that she wasn’t really okay, but any time I brought it up she would just say that she’s busy and talking to me all the time was not possible. That hurt me a lot because after all the time we spent building this incredible friendship, making a sort of LDR out of it, finding trust and happiness in one another, it was really painful that she suddenly couldn’t spare a few minutes to say hi. So I spoke my mind a few times and pissed her off, but we remained friends. Although for the last month or so we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to. It’s more like an every other day kind of friendship now where before it was an every day friendship.

So here is my dilemma. A few weeks ago, her texts became very emotionless. Not a single smiley. Sometimes she'd stop talking to me mid text conversation and just never respond. She stopped initiating, and she started being even more distant than ever. Last week on Monday morning I texted her wishing her a nice day but she never responded. As I stated above, she only ignored me when she’s with him, so this didn’t make sense. I sensed her distance and unhappiness for a few weeks now so I decided to give her some space. I texted her again on Friday last week saying that I missed her as a friend (I wanted to seem like I’m over her even though I’m not, but I wanted her to know that I still care about her and that she’s on my mind). She never responded. I sent her a good morning text this past Sunday, and she never replied. I waited a few hours, then around dinner-time(her time) I texted "say something.. please". I figured she would not say a thing cause this is always their night. But an hour later she told me to leave her alone for the day, she didn’t wanna talk. I said I understood and asked if she’s okay and if everything was alright. She responded, "nothing is alright, I don’t wanna talk about it".

My first thought was they broke up. I responded telling her that she’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met and whoever is upsetting her has no idea how incredible she is. I told her I’m there for her day or night, good or bad, and I’ll do everything I can to make her smile as I always have. But she didn’t respond. The next day (this Monday), I texted her during her bedtime and said that I couldn’t stop thinking about her since what she said. I told her that my heart sank knowing she was upset, and that if she didn’t wanna talk about it I understood, but that I wanted some kind of sign from her that she’s alright. The next morning she responded with a cold "I’m okay." including a period. I told her that I felt she wasn’t actually okay, but that I was glad she responded. Then I wished her a great day and reminded her that I’m there for her. She thanked me with a smiley. I’ve tried to talk to her each day this week. Sometimes I ask her her day is, sometimes I remind her I’m there for her, and once I asked if she would tell me what’s bothering her. Each time she said she didn’t wanna talk about it and we ended up not conversing because she just wanted time to herself.

And here I am today, wondering what it is. I know you guys can’t tell me, only she knows. But the reason I’m here is because if I’m right and they are broken up, is it possible to rekindle what we once had? She once told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, until she met him of course, who she said was her soul mate. And whatever it is that’s upsetting her right now, it must be serious because this is going on 5 days now and she’s still very upset. She would have cooled off by now if it wasn’t important and serious to her. I don’t know for sure that they’re broken up, but I know her very well and I know all the things in her life that could upset her this much. A breakup is the most plausible explanation.

The truth is, I never stopped caring about her and I'd love nothing more than to continue where we left off. But is that possible for her? I know for myself that it’s entirely possible, but after moving on can she have feelings for me again? Any girls in here care to pitch in? And if it is possible, how should I treat her? Obviously I wanna be there for her but I don’t want to be too "there" that I friendzone myself. And I don’t want to be annoying, as much as I wanna be her shoulder to lean on, I don’t want to pester her. I decided that I won’t ask her about what happened because it’s obvious she doesn’t want to discuss it yet and I’m confident that she’ll tell me on her own when she’s ready. I want to get back to the relationship we once had but I have no idea how to approach her. Any input is appreciated.

[jarrybotter]

Well that was a lot to read =p To me, it sounds like right now is really not a good time for you to try re-kindling anything with her. She sounds like she is not that into you at the moment, and hasnt been for a while, but that doesnt mean you should give up all hope. Some people you can never fully let go of, and it sounds like this is a girl you might always have a faint hope for.

It sounds like she is conflicted and confused. Honestly all you can do for her is to be there if she needs you. DONT say stuff like "I would never make you sad or treat you in that way" - that is clearly obvious and pointing it out is unattractive. She might be in the "bad boy" stage and there is nothing you can say or do to get her out of it - she has to reach that point where she is ready for a good guy, which you obviously are.

Be confident in who you are and what you can give her, but SHE needs to come to a decision about you in her own time. For now, maybe just check in on her once or twice a week, like a caring friend would. It tells her you want her in your life, but at the same time that you can give her space and youre not obsessing, that youre getting on with your life. Judging by the amount you wrote, and the way you are approaching this situation, it sounds like you are waaaay more emotional and sensitive than she is. Your emotional needs might be much much higher than hers. You may be in love with her for 10 years before she even starts to "like" you - harsh but true. For example, my fiancee fell in love with me a good 2 years before I was even at half the level he was at. But 5 years later, we are completely equal in the love that we give eachother, head over heels, I am engaged to him and cant imagine life without him. It might be YEARS before she can even meet you halfway. She sounds like she needs time to develop and be apart.

If she has decided to put you in the friend-zone for now there is really nothing you can do. This is not necessarily a permanent state of being, but it normally takes some years of distance and a little growing up before most girls can see a friend zoned guy as a potential long term partner. There have been couples who started out "best platonic friends" at school, but 15 or even 20 years llater meet again and develop a romantic relationship. It sounds like you have two choices given the way you feel about her and the frankly not-too-keen way she feels about you (again harsh, but im really getting that feeling from reading your stuff):

1) Back off a little- contact her maybe once a week if that. If she doesn't respond, wait a good week before contacting her again. Make sure every time you do contact her is fun, lighthearted and carefree, like sharing a funny meme or something that could make her smile / laugh. This puts zero pressure on her, makes her feel like she matters to you, but also that you have your own life and are getting on with it. Keep doing this, potentially for some years, until she comes round and wants to give this a go (sounds like LDR might be beyond her so you might even need to move back to Germany if you reach that point), but the entire time you will be TORTURING yourself.

2) Go cold turkey. Send her one final message saying that you are gonna miss her, but it hurts you too much to stay in her life, even as a friend. Apologise if youve been too intense, and wish her the best, and as a final note, leave an e mail address or something that she can contact you with (in case she ever wants to get in touch). Delete her off all apps, social media etc, and really try to move on. Develop yourself in whatever you want to do and literallly spend the time chasing your dreams. Travel, work, learn a language, throw yourself into every opportunity. If its meant to be, you will eventually find each other again later in life. Let fate decide it for you. There is really no point waiting for someone who is not going to wait for you, even if she is the girl of your dreams. You will only make yourself miserable, and less likely to be seen as a potential partner by her in the future.

Best of luck

[sasad]

Wow... You contacted her ever single day and when she had a boyfriend too...
I would back off. She seems to be upset or stressed about something. A bad as it sounds, maybe her ex told her he couldn't deal with all your contact?? Maybe she is engaged and doesn't know how to tell you?
Again, we dont know what is in her head..
As a female, i would have been cranky as hell at you. YOu didn't leave her alone and actually got pissed at her a few times? Really? Cuz she moved on and you didn't like it and basically ignored her when she told you to move on.

If this were me, I wouldn't be talking to you. You tried to control her and monopolize her when she had a bf. YOU got nad at her. YOU keep pushing her to talk when she doesn't want to.

There is no relationship with you and her right now. She is ignoring you. She friend zoned you and you cant actually believe that.

Back off. Let her initiate and say what she feels when and if SHE wants.
sorry if i am coming across harsh, but you seriously need to stop and let her be.

[cool87]

Wow... You contacted her ever single day and when she had a boyfriend too...
I would back off... and actually got pissed at her a few times? Really?

Hey sasad, thanks for your reply. But I think you misread some of it. I did not get pissed at her. I expressed to her that it made me feel sad that we weren't as close anymore and that made HER mad, she didn't like that I thought she was getting distant.

And I didn't specify, but contact was very mutual between us almost all of the time. She contacted me as much as I contacted her, even while dating her boyfriend. That is, up until about a month ago. She also expressed that our friendships was important to her and that she would never want to lose this friendship, so what I'm struggling with is that as of a month ago she hasn't been the girl that I got to know, and she is acting like this friendship doesn't matter to her anymore.

But thank you for your point of view.

[Honour]

Whether you both talked a lot or you just kept trying to talk to her doesn't really matter. If someone doesn't want to be with you, you can't force somebody to feel a certain way for you. Just let it go.

[rache82]

Wow, I'm sorry but the more I read of this, the more you remind me of a friend that I use to have in my SO's country that would not take "no" for an answer. What's more he did exactly the same as you and when myself and another friend said "no" to a relationship as we both have partners, he would pretend to accept that, yet still text and want to talk to us just like we were in a relationship with him. He would continue expecting to know everything about us and couldn't understand why the dynamics had changed, and even why they had to change.

Your EX obviously knows you still have feelings for her and this makes her quite uncomfortable. This is very unhealthy for both of you.
Yes it's hurtful, but you just have to accept that you need to move on. It's going to end extremely terribly if you don't accept that it's over between you too. You have more of a chance in future if you respect her now.

Having just been through a similar situation of your Ex recently, I know what I'm talking about.

Best of luck to you though.

[cool87]

he would pretend to accept that, yet still text and want to talk to us just like we were in a relationship with him. He would continue expecting to know everything about us and couldn't understand why the dynamics had changed, and even why they had to change

Hey, thank you for the response I think it's a bit different between us. I don't act like we're still together and I don't expect to know everything about her life anymore, nor do I try to. I accepted the loss, but what I tried really hard to do was to maintain the friendship we built, and it was going really well for a while because effort was coming from both sides. Yes I admit, I have trouble getting over her but I know the lines I'm not supposed to cross. I don't make any advances on her, I'm not romantic, and I don't text her every hour of the day like we used to. If she doesn't respond, I wait a day or more then try again. But it's come to the point where the effort is one-sided, aka all me. And it happened suddenly without warning.

My original question specifically was that IF they broke up, how would I transition from friend to what it once was. But none of that can happen unless the friendship is fixed.

And in light of some news in my story, I think it's time to close the thread. We had a talk today and they did not break up, it was something unrelated to him that upset her so much. I took that opportunity to tell her I felt the friendship was falling apart. Sasad made me realize that it's possible that I'm the one that pushed her away, so I told her I thought that her distance had something to do with me and I apologized if I smothered her. But of her own volition, she said I'm not the only one to blame. As if right now we are still friends, but we agreed to discuss some more soon, to figure out where we stand.

So thank you to everyone who read my story and for contributing. At this point all I want is to remain friends, to keep her in my life because I've found a really great friend in her. Someone who understands me and already knows so much about me. But I think it will take some work to get there, because I need to get over her, and she needs to figure out how to balance being my friend with all the other things going on in her life.

Have a good day/night everyone!