LDR that I met online is pulling away and I feel like I'm losing control

[Rightsmach]

We met through an online game (she lives in Europe and I live in the US) but didn't really talk much until November last year. In December we started getting intimate through the phone and talked some more. But as time went on we both really liked each other and we made plans to meet in Miami in June. I asked her out on the 29th of December and she said yes. She told me she loved me around this time though she realized it was very soon so I thought she wasn't crazy for at least realizing that just honest. Everything was lovey dovey until late February when she went to a convention for the game... we got into a fight over something stupid in the game (changed my race to something she hated) when her group mates asked wtf was wrong. She mentioned me as her bf and they said "Well why do you care you've never met"... also after seeing all the couples at the convention and stuff she felt like shit b/c long distance pretty much means we don't see each other as often and she started doubting if we'll be together or where it will go. She wasn't sure if we'll click when we meet. She started pulling away and after talking about it we agreed we were going to see what's up in June. However, we did a server change to her new friend's server (my call) she started hanging out with them more and we hadn't been intimate since the festival. I started getting needy and pushing to hang out until she told me she reminded me of her ex and I needed to stop (she mentioned I was claimy which probably meant possessive as I tried to get some more time with her to talk and stuff but she wouldn't have any of it). We still texted a bit but then I decided to pull away and give her some space.

Now here is the kicker... I see she changes her profile picture and starts talking to other dudes. One of the guys from the convention she does everything in game with. However, I noticed she never really talked about him to me besides in the context of the game. He also follows her around a lot, afks next to her, they're always in apraty running stuff, and he even waits for her around the time she gets off of work so when she logs in she sees him. Frankly he's creepy and I think she likes the attention. Another guy, an ex-friend of mine as of this week, seems to be in the picture maybe but after looking at their interactions she even joked about how she looked like his brother and referred to him as hun but I noticed she used that term with another friend of hers and it feels platonic. Overall I think they talk but she just likes his attention and once he's hooked she will let go. This guy came into the picture after I pulled back.

Since then I simply mirror her actions and contacts and only talk to her when she talks to me until today. Our contact was very weird since. When I first pulled away she didn't even text me good morning. She then texted me about her work and we had a short conversation. I kept it short and sweet just letting her talk and reflecting conversation back to her. Then she sends me a picture, that's her new profile picture, of her in shorts, a wig, glasses, and she looks nerdy but rather sexy. So I respond and she has an interesting interaction... trying to get my attention mostly (I cropped the picture our for privacy reasons). Later next day she sends me a good morning and we have small talk. Then she sends me a picture of some food she prepared at work where I just reflected again. She then sends me a smile today and I try to initiate a small conversation then she just derails it. After seeing it didn't work I pulled away again... now she's at work and I told her good luck. I'm on edge atm and not sure what to do. I don't fear any of the guys but she's clearly testing me it seems. She is a kind hearted person that's been hurt by others in the past but I know I fucked up and that's why she's being like this... I want to reignite interest to the point where we can sit down and just sort out our differences but at this point idk what to do or if it's even possible. I'm going to continue to pull back and see if she says anything about it but at this point I feel like I lost control. Today I will be logging into the game and do my own thing with friends and just stay cordial with her. I'll admit I feel clueless about this situation and I am willing to take the hard road to recover this relationship at least until June. If I need to walk away this is an option as well. I have images of the conversation but idk how to post it safely.

I feel there are also things she is hurt about as well as I am and I'd like to get her to a space where we can sort it out. Sometimes she thinks she's underappreciated (she still likes some of my posts on FB that are about positive life changes I'm doing) and I don't like her lack of communication. It took me a while to get out what she felt from the convention event and I was angry I had to draw it out b/c it was a real issue. I want to clear the air and just work on trying to get this back to a level of comfort where we would be willing to ride this thing out until June. Until then I'll pull away and only reply when she texts and just mirror her actions.

[kittyxuchiha11]

so, just let me get this straight. She was sad because she saw couples at the convention and it made her miss you and because of that she started to distance herself but you guys talked about it and agreed you'd meet in June. And then she started talking to other people and you pushed her so she'd talk to you more and she said she was uncomfortable with it and so you pulled back a bit. Like that's fine and all, but why are you continuing to pull back and only reply when she messages you? when someone tells you thy are uncomfortable with how clingy you've suddenly become, you take a stepback and go back to how you were before that and make sure they're comfortable with that amount of contact.

As for her talking to other guys...do you not maybe think that's her just making friends and not trying to test you or whatever at all? I mean both my SO and I play online with different people all the time and we don' think anything of it as it's just playing a game with a friend it doesn't mean anything apart from that you're doing just that, it especially doesn't mean she's doing it to cheat on you or to test you to make you treat her better or something.

Look, the bottom line is if you just mirror her messages she's going to get the wrong idea, start thinking you don't care about her and only reply when she talks to you and you obviously don't want that. I think the best thing for you guys to sit down and talk about everything you've said above so you can get this all sorted out, you'll find there's probably been a huge miscommunication somewhere down the line.

[Rightsmach]

so, just let me get this straight. She was sad because she saw couples at the convention and it made her miss you and because of that she started to distance herself but you guys talked about it and agreed you'd meet in June. And then she started talking to other people and you pushed her so she'd talk to you more and she said she was uncomfortable with it and so you pulled back a bit. Like that's fine and all, but why are you continuing to pull back and only reply when she messages you? when someone tells you thy are uncomfortable with how clingy you've suddenly become, you take a stepback and go back to how you were before that and make sure they're comfortable with that amount of contact.

As for her talking to other guys...do you not maybe think that's her just making friends and not trying to test you or whatever at all? I mean both my SO and I play online with different people all the time and we don' think anything of it as it's just playing a game with a friend it doesn't mean anything apart from that you're doing just that, it especially doesn't mean she's doing it to cheat on you or to test you to make you treat her better or something.

Look, the bottom line is if you just mirror her messages she's going to get the wrong idea, start thinking you don't care about her and only reply when she talks to you and you obviously don't want that. I think the best thing for you guys to sit down and talk about everything you've said above so you can get this all sorted out, you'll find there's probably been a huge miscommunication somewhere down the line.

Just to clarify I pushed her after she told me I was being possessive like her EX and selfish. I would think she's trying to make friends except with that one dude online everything seems to say he likes her and she indulges it (he follows her around, they go afk together, they're in the same party all the time, he'll wait afk around the time she gets off of work so she can see him, he changed his name to match hers which isn't uncommon among friends but given the other behaviors I wonder if he actually thinks she'll think this is anything but cute and so on). Maybe one she is talking to she isn't indulging but I know this guy did take another woman from another friend of mine before so I don't put it above him to try to do this to me. I don't think it's exclusively to test me as it is to see if she's got better options b/c she hates the way the relationship is now. I agree we need to talk and work things out but it's been maybe about 3 days? I also haven't found my center from before and this whole situation has made disheveled me a bit even if I don't show signs of it to her and I need to be very exact in what I want to cover with her.

[sasad]

GAhh she sounds like she is playing games or sh doesn't take you serious. It takes two to tango and you both probably need to have a talk and see where you are both at. It does sound like you both are on different pages for sure.
Make a time to vid chat with her and talk it out CALMLY. No accusations, none of the "Well, you make me feel... crap" Say what YOU feel. I feel we should have play time together and apart etc.. Did you even really define this relationship?

[Rezie]

You said you asked her out in december. By asking out do you mean you agreed that you are in an actual relationship? Have you set up rules of your relationship? I think setting up rules is important in every relationship but especially important in relationships where you haven't met in person since the lines are really grey when physicality is taken out of the equation. When you pushed back after being clingy are you back to normal you were before or pushing back too much to make it look like you are not interested? Also talking in games and liking the attention is not bad unless she crosses a line. Maybe you guys need to have a good talk and figure out what you want from each other, what is an appropriate ammount of contact, what is appropriate in talking to other giu/girls?

[Rightsmach]

GAhh she sounds like she is playing games or sh doesn't take you serious. It takes two to tango and you both probably need to have a talk and see where you are both at. It does sound like you both are on different pages for sure.
Make a time to vid chat with her and talk it out CALMLY. No accusations, none of the "Well, you make me feel... crap" Say what YOU feel. I feel we should have play time together and apart etc.. Did you even really define this relationship?

More like plays games b/c she doesn't take me seriously but probably calling out for attention. Yes, we defined t relationship at first as exclusive, however come February the realization hit us that hell we may not even click when we meet. Afterwards we agreed to be exclusive and until June when she came down and we had a better idea about how we felt about each other. Since then though she was hanging out with her new friends and I was being clingy and now I'm giving her space.

[Rightsmach]

You said you asked her out in december. By asking out do you mean you agreed that you are in an actual relationship? Have you set up rules of your relationship? I think setting up rules is important in every relationship but especially important in relationships where you haven't met in person since the lines are really grey when physicality is taken out of the equation. When you pushed back after being clingy are you back to normal you were before or pushing back too much to make it look like you are not interested? Also talking in games and liking the attention is not bad unless she crosses a line. Maybe you guys need to have a good talk and figure out what you want from each other, what is an appropriate ammount of contact, what is appropriate in talking to other giu/girls?

Yes, an actual relationship. One of the rules was communication and we were exclusive which I plan to bring up but the timing of the talk still feels awkward given all the recent events. Idk if it seems like I'm not interested. For example she sent me her new profile picture and I said she looked pretty... then she says it's me with a wig and glasses so I said yes... as in yes you're pretty. She sent me a picture of some dish she made and mentioned she was proud of it so I said it looks delicious and I'm proud of her too and she sent a smiley... mostly just validating stuff but nothing too big. However, I tried to converse to it and she took it into a negative direction basically being a debbie downer. She still likes my posts about changing my life and career on FB and last we talked she said she was going to work and I said good luck. I'll be going online today but playing with a friend (she knows this). We agreed to schedule around her work hours after February b/c though I noticed she actually talks to other people anyways. One thing that pissed me off was a sudden change in plans where we were supposed to hang out and watch her stream RE7 the both of us then she changed plans at the last minute to include other people which only her online friend went to. Again I think she wants to care but doesn't respect me enough to do so which was my fault mostly with the way I've been recently and how I've been handling myself. This is why I think it' an awkward time to engage her even though we should. Why engage her when she doesn't even seem to have a modicum of respect? My words don't feel like they'll pull any weight with her at this point.

[Chris516]

OP, Did I read that right? There is a race she hates?

[Rezie]

OP, Did I read that right? There is a race she hates?

I was thinking that too! I decided to belive it was a gaming term meaning something else so my little bubble would feel like a happier place 😊

[sasad]

Yes, its a gamer thing...in some games you can change races. Like elf, orc, goblins....

[Rightsmach]

We talked last night and I said:
"You've been angry at me for some time and I'm sorry. We both moved really fast into this and I just kind of tripped over myself because I never felt like this about anyone but my intention as a man was never to hurt you or ever put a frown on your face for that matter. I want to do what you can to work things out. You don't just have my heart, but also my ears and I'm ready to listen."

She replied:

"I think we indeed moved really fast and I don't want to give up yet. I just want to see what kind of connection we will have when we meet face to face, in person. I'll be going to *my hometown* in 3 months. I'm not good at long distance relationships at all. Lately I've not been in a lovey dovey or *in the* mood. I've been really tired. Work gets busier and I work almost 40 hours a week. Which is fine but I don't have the regular 1 hour break a day which most people have. I can't eat. Only when i start a certain time. Like now even when I had dinner at work i didnt eat for 8 hours.. I can't sit at all. I'm sorry for that too."

I went on to apologized for my stuff (trying to force things to happen, being possessive, not listening or appreciating her support) and told her what I was angry with (not communicating what was going on after the convention and changing plans at the last minute) she said sorry for being selfish and we called it a night. From what I gathered she's interested but wants to back up which I agreed we should. She still hangs out mostly with her friends but that's fine and I'm going to stop pressuring for things to happen and just let things happen organically. As for the other guys I didn't mention it but I'm just going to let them knock themselves out of the race since they seem to be vying for her attention too much. I'm waiting for some end of day contact from her after which I'm just keeping the conversation light, funny and be supportive. What do you think?

[Taki]

We talked last night and I said:
"You've been angry at me for some time and I'm sorry. We both moved really fast into this and I just kind of tripped over myself because I never felt like this about anyone but my intention as a man was never to hurt you or ever put a frown on your face for that matter. I want to do what you can to work things out. You don't just have my heart, but also my ears and I'm ready to listen."

She replied:

"I think we indeed moved really fast and I don't want to give up yet. I just want to see what kind of connection we will have when we meet face to face, in person. I'll be going to *my hometown* in 3 months. I'm not good at long distance relationships at all. Lately I've not been in a lovey dovey or *in the* mood. I've been really tired. Work gets busier and I work almost 40 hours a week. Which is fine but I don't have the regular 1 hour break a day which most people have. I can't eat. Only when i start a certain time. Like now even when I had dinner at work i didnt eat for 8 hours.. I can't sit at all. I'm sorry for that too."

I went on to apologized for my stuff (trying to force things to happen, being possessive, not listening or appreciating her support) and told her what I was angry with (not communicating what was going on after the convention and changing plans at the last minute) she said sorry for being selfish and we called it a night. From what I gathered she's interested but wants to back up which I agreed we should. She still hangs out mostly with her friends but that's fine and I'm going to stop pressuring for things to happen and just let things happen organically. As for the other guys I didn't mention it but I'm just going to let them knock themselves out of the race since they seem to be vying for her attention too much. I'm waiting for some end of day contact from her after which I'm just keeping the conversation light, funny and be supportive. What do you think?

1) Love your message. It's open, heartfelt and invites her to talk while also ensuring that you won't judge or try to pick a fight
2) Love her message too because it's similarly direct and honest
3) Your plan is a solid one and the best under the circumstances. Her uncertainties and hesitations are also totally valid as it is very possible that 2 people who get along great online MAY not have the same connection in person, so you want to keep your eyes and heart open and make intelligent decisions as to both your lives

[Rightsmach]

1) Love your message. It's open, heartfelt and invites her to talk while also ensuring that you won't judge or try to pick a fight
2) Love her message too because it's similarly direct and honest
3) Your plan is a solid one and the best under the circumstances. Her uncertainties and hesitations are also totally valid as it is very possible that 2 people who get along great online MAY not have the same connection in person, so you want to keep your eyes and heart open and make intelligent decisions as to both your lives

Yeah. After I did call her out about the lack of communication after the convention and some plans she changed up at the last second. Not really blasting her but telling her that it was important to be on the same page and the later was disrespectful b/c I was under the impression we were supposed to do one thing (hang out together) and she changed up plans at the last minute (like half an hour before) to include friends. All she said was sorry for being selfish but yeah I trust she meant it. She has messaged me on FB but the communication is lower then before. I'm going to keep our conversations light and just send her funny memes or stuff every so often and see how it goes. I think we're both trying to protect ourselves here because of the uncertainty of it all. It needs delicate handling.

[Rightsmach]

1) Love your message. It's open, heartfelt and invites her to talk while also ensuring that you won't judge or try to pick a fight
2) Love her message too because it's similarly direct and honest
3) Your plan is a solid one and the best under the circumstances. Her uncertainties and hesitations are also totally valid as it is very possible that 2 people who get along great online MAY not have the same connection in person, so you want to keep your eyes and heart open and make intelligent decisions as to both your lives

This was the res of it

Me: Sometimes it seems I don't pay attention to the right things and I need to work on it but I'm always looking to become better. I know I'm not the best listener and I sometimes try to speak without considering the other person's point of view. I have to work on it but I always try to be a better person. I was being possessive and bossy for a while instead of relaxing and letting things unfold. I was being pushy for intimacy and it made you doubt me. When you said I made you feel safe I was smiling because as a man I like to make my woman feel that way all the time. I genuinely enjoy your company on and offline (on the phone). I don't want it to feel forced. It should be fun.
For all of that I'm sorry

Her: Thank you

Me: I don't appreciate the small things you do. Like when you liked my statuses about my life I was glad. We don't play much together but you did help out on Sophia as well.
*positive changes in my life
It shows support

Her: c: anytime
I'm still here for you
I've been all along

Me: You still have the ring? (in game marriage ring)

Her:Yes
I do

Me:I have mine
Anyways good night *name*.

Her: Nini sweet dreams

Me: Sweet dreams
I mean
The thing that bothered me most though
Was no communication for a while after (convention name) especially since it was a big thing and the sudden change of plans when you streamed RE7.

Her: I'm sorry

Me: Yeah, it happened but I wanted to get it out there because it was the principle of the matter. For RE7 I thought it was us two and then your switched it up and wanyed to invite friends. I felt disrespected and while I don't mind hanging out with people I thought I was being dragged around and that wasn't cool. Then for fan fest I felt in the dark for a long time.

Her:I'm sorry for being selfish

Me: Well same here
Sweet dreams. Have fun at that housewarming if we don't talk.

Her:Thank you
Won't be there for long
Gotta start at 10:30am on Sunday

Me:Shit
Well good night. Sweet dreams

Her: Ah well 80% of my life is work now :') (at least how it feels) nini sweet dreams

[Taki]

This was the res of it

Me: Sometimes it seems I don't pay attention to the right things and I need to work on it but I'm always looking to become better. I know I'm not the best listener and I sometimes try to speak without considering the other person's point of view. I have to work on it but I always try to be a better person. I was being possessive and bossy for a while instead of relaxing and letting things unfold. I was being pushy for intimacy and it made you doubt me. When you said I made you feel safe I was smiling because as a man I like to make my woman feel that way all the time. I genuinely enjoy your company on and offline (on the phone). I don't want it to feel forced. It should be fun.
For all of that I'm sorry

Her: Thank you

Me: I don't appreciate the small things you do. Like when you liked my statuses about my life I was glad. We don't play much together but you did help out on Sophia as well.
*positive changes in my life
It shows support

Her: c: anytime
I'm still here for you
I've been all along

Me: You still have the ring? (in game marriage ring)

Her:Yes
I do

Me:I have mine
Anyways good night *name*.

Her: Nini sweet dreams

Me: Sweet dreams
I mean
The thing that bothered me most though
Was no communication for a while after (convention name) especially since it was a big thing and the sudden change of plans when you streamed RE7.

Her: I'm sorry

Me: Yeah, it happened but I wanted to get it out there because it was the principle of the matter. For RE7 I thought it was us two and then your switched it up and wanyed to invite friends. I felt disrespected and while I don't mind hanging out with people I thought I was being dragged around and that wasn't cool. Then for fan fest I felt in the dark for a long time.

Her:I'm sorry for being selfish

Me: Well same here
Sweet dreams. Have fun at that housewarming if we don't talk.

Her:Thank you
Won't be there for long
Gotta start at 10:30am on Sunday

Me:Shit
Well good night. Sweet dreams

Her: Ah well 80% of my life is work now :') (at least how it feels) nini sweet dreams

So there are 2 things that I have to say in this regard:

1) I notice a disparity between your apologies and hers. Yours are very comprehensive and detailed while hers are simply "I'm sorry" or something short like that. There is a possibility that after a few days, this might start to bother you. I'm only saying this because sometime back (and even now occasionally) stuff like this bothers me. Like you, I too tend to give detailed explanations, detailed apologies and to me, someone who did the same always seemed more genuine and heartfelt, whereas when people just gave short, baseless (as to how I saw it) apologies, I tended to question their sincerity. Questions like "does he/she REALLY mean it or are they just saying sorry because they feel like they have to say SOMEthing" and/ or disgruntled feelings like "Here I am taking FULL responsibility for my actions and taking this matter very seriously and it doesn't seem like they're taking it seriously at all. Why am I always the one digging so deep and accepting my faults whereas others don't seem to take their faults that seriously". If you start feeling like this, please remember (and it's a lesson I learned through much pain and heartbreak) people have differences in communication. Yes, in some instances there might be situations where a person's short, curt messages may REALLY mean that they're less sincere. But in some other instances it just may mean that you have different communication styles and she thinks laying down details of all her transgressions is unnecessary and all that's needed is an apology. This does not mean her apology itself is insincere. So carefully observe based within the context of her other behaviour.

2) Secondly, I saw some REALLY good advice on another post about a situation in some respects similar to yours. I'm going to copy paste it here. It was a long response so I've cut out unnecessary parts:

"ust stop talking about it with her. Not even briefly or casually. ... When you aren't having fun because things aren't going as you planned, she probably wasn't having fun because of that. When you couldn't see the good in a situation, she probably felt like she or your relationship weren't good enough for you. And then you'd want to talk about it and apologize. You are most likely mentally and emotionally exhausting her.

She probably needs space and you need to work on your insecurities on your own. You don't need to apologize, there's probably little you can do other than give into your insecurities. You can't just convince her with words or apologetic gestures. Like I said, she's probably feeling mentally exhausted over how insecure you've been acting. ...And imagine how much of a mood killer someone can be if they frequently bring up heavy topics when all you want to do is talk and spend time with them?"


I have been in this cycle too even as recently as with my current boyfriend. We were together for almost 5 months before taking it LDR and the closer it got to my leaving date, the more I felt like there was this "disconnect" and so I kept talking with him ABOUT the disconnect, trying and trying to get past it. He eventually said "look, we just need to do the fun stuff we used to do that actually MADE us connect, rather than going on talking ABOUT the disconnect" I realised what he said was true and started to apologize and he firmly told me, no more talk about the disconnect for a while, not even to apologise. And things improved dramatically after that. There are times when a fight and heartfelt apologies can bring two people closer together because you're both making yourself very vulnerable. But if it happens too much, it stops being a positive thing and simply becomes so heavy and wearisome. And whenever you apologise you may see it in the light of "hey I am being so self aware and truthful, surely she'll appreciate that about me" but she on the other hand may see it like "oh no, not ANOTHER serious, heavy depressing conversation" . It doesn't mean you never apologise or tackle serious stuff, but it's all about balance.