Dealing with a passive aggressive GF

[Rightsmach]

At the moment I'm in an awkward pseudo relationship with a girl (23) I (32) met in an online game in December. We started out fast then took things slower and after some weird needy behavior and some conflict we dealt with our shit and agreed we were going to slow down until we meet in June. Everything was going great, our communication was slower but casual and maybe too casual on my end as I didn't want to say stuff like I like you and so on but maybe I should've been flirting more. Well we made plans for her to help me out on some in game content (it's an MMO) and she's always helped me out in the past and run stuff when we set it up. I log in last night on the agreed time 7pm EST which was, I thought so, 1am her time (she's in the Netherlands). Turns out because we're on daylight savings time and she isn't it was really midnight her time. I log in and see her in a party with her friends and she makes no mention of the raid so I thought she wasn't interested. I make my party anyways and that's it. I make a mention of my raid in our guild chat and she was angry b/c she waited. Our conversation went to Facebook as so:

Her: Waited for you for nothing agaib
Again

Me:7est is my 1am
I didn't think you were waiting
You were in party and you didnt mention anything so I thought well sh's going to do her own hing

Her:Whatever.. I'll just go do something before I go to bed now

Me: Whatever? What's wrong?
Fuck we couldn't pass first add phase we need more aoe
We disbanded...

Her:Ok

Me:Well I just thought you were doing your own thing.
What's up? Talk to me.

Her: Eh I said I'd help you right
7est is my 1am
Now im going to boil eggs
And I'm in discord with (some people in a facebook group from the game)

Me:Ok.
I mean you were in party and made no mention of it so again I thought you were doing your own thing.
Have fun though

Her:Idk i was crafting and didn't pay attention to the chat
Cuz I had 1am in my head
Which is in 2 minutes
But anyway gl

Me: Thank you.
I mean... I was on at 7 on the dot 1 am your time... so yeah.

Her:It's 1am now
You started at 12am
That's 6est
Not 7est

Me:19:02
is 7 pm on teh 24 hour clock

Her: Yes now
You said
Raid 7est
And 30 minutes ago
You were already raiding

Me: is your clock wrong?
it should be 2 out there...

Her:No it's 1

Me:wait..

what
the
fuck
I thouhgt
you were 6 hours ahead of me
not 5

Her:Yes we were
Did your clock reset?

Me:it's 8:04
holy shit no wonder...
we're on daylight savings time and you're not
So it's five hours ahead instead of six... like that was 12 your time. Now it's one...
You have to admit... it's pretty funny this happened

Her: Uhg

Me: Ugh what?

Me:It's kind of funny
In a "we dont' know wtf happened" kind of way
I think so anyways

Her:Hmm
Yeah

Me: Are you alright? I still sense something is up or maybe it's the lack of non verbal communication.
Talk to me about it.
FRI 10:47PM

Her: It's fine

Me: Ok, but usually when you reply in these situations with one or two word answers it tells me it's not so if something is up I'm all ears.

Her:I'm going to sleep actually
It's almost 4

Me: Yeah but if something is up let's not let it just boil under the surface.

Next day 9:44AM

Her: I passed out

Me:Oh ok

Her:How did A9S went
How far did you guys come

Me:1 run we lost to Faust twice because tank missed a cd and healer went to get some food that was ready mid fight. Later we didn't have enough aoe to clear first wave so we abandoned.

Second time we made it past wave 2 but the tanks were new so they fucked up scrapline and didn't know how to position the second wave.

Everybody has the patience of a bonobo monkey so they disbanded after 3 tries.

Nobody joined my third party.

Her:Ouch
That's sad
I could help out on Sunday maybe

Me:I'm going to be on LBR Sunday
They have their show Sundays at 4 EST in their FC house.
I want to be on stream while they do it.
Then spamming pvp or leveling DRK

Her: LBR?
Me: Limit Break Radio

Her: Oh
Oki sure thing
I'll do my own thing then

Me:Ok good luck with it.

Her: Thanks o/

Me: Last night was a dumb misunderstanding. I thought we were running at 7 pm est because I was thinking it was 6 hours ahead but it was five because daylight savings time. When I logged in and it didn't seem like you mentioned anything and you were on party I thought you were just going to do your own thing and said f it. I should've had more faith you'd jump in to help because you always do.

Her: Thank you


Idk what's going on here exactly... I feel as if something isn't right but she isn't talking and it's a persistent thing in our sort of pseudo relationship that she clams up when something is wonr and I have to figure it out... I'm not a mind reader but I see some clues but I'm clueless to figure it out. At this point her passive aggressive behavior is really turning me off but I don't want to give up. I'd like to address it at least and give her a chance to work it out. Please help.

[Ejoriah]

From what I can see she waited for you at 1am her time and then you blamed her for doing her own thing and not helping, when she was actually ready to help at the time she was supposed to. I would be wounded if my SO just accused me of going back on my word instead of figuring out what happened in a non confrontational manner.

For what it's worth though I don't see anything in there that's clearly passive aggressive.

[Rightsmach]

From what I can see she waited for you at 1am her time and then you blamed her for doing her own thing and not helping, when she was actually ready to help at the time she was supposed to. I would be wounded if my SO just accused me of going back on my word instead of figuring out what happened in a non confrontational manner.

For what it's worth though I don't see anything in there that's clearly passive aggressive.

Yeah, maybe I'm projecting something on to her when I say passive aggressive. Though do you think my apology at the end addressed this? Like she's always given her word and it was a misunderstanding because of the way time zones worked though I should've handled it better rather then just rush in to the raid instead of asking her what's going on.

"Me: Last night was a dumb misunderstanding. I thought we were running at 7 pm est because I was thinking it was 6 hours ahead but it was five because daylight savings time. When I logged in and it didn't seem like you mentioned anything and you were on party I thought you were just going to do your own thing and said f it. I should've had more faith you'd jump in to help because you always do."

[C.C.]

Dunno, I don't see anything passive aggressive either, just genuine disappointment.

[R&R]

Honestly, this is a perfect example of people creating their own drama and lack of communication. You showed up an hour early due to the time change and instead of saying anything to her, you assume incorrectly about what she was doing and then there is an argument. She was upset because you didn't show and by her statement, apparently not the first time this has happened.

This should not have turned into such a huge deal. I mean, if the two of you have such an issue over something like this, how are you ever going to handle it if something truly serious happens?

[Rightsmach]

Honestly, this is a perfect example of people creating their own drama and lack of communication. You showed up an hour early due to the time change and instead of saying anything to her, you assume incorrectly about what she was doing and then there is an argument. She was upset because you didn't show and by her statement, apparently not the first time this has happened.

This should not have turned into such a huge deal. I mean, if the two of you have such an issue over something like this, how are you ever going to handle it if something truly serious happens?

I know I need to work on this. Idk what she meant by her statement exactly and I wish I could get it out of her... but there could've been two things... I used to just craft while she waited around for us to do something and we worked it out before. The other thing could've been when we raided a boss one time but we were in group... maybe she felt like she wasted her time because I died a lot doing it but it isn't likely.

This blowing up things is a pattern in my other general relationships and I've been giving it thought all day. I do love her and I want to be a better man and get past this. What did you think about my apology? I added this: ...and I'm sorry for accusing you of blowing me off. You're always there when I need you and I appreciate it. If you want to level tomorrow you're welcome to come."

[R&R]

I know I need to work on this. It's a pattern in my other general relationships and I've been giving it thought all day. I do love her and I want to be a better man. What did you think about my apology? I was thinking of sending her something else like "and I'm sorry for accusing you of blowing me off. You're always there when I need you and I appreciate it"

I think you've already apologized. If you apologize once for something, there is no need to continue apologizing. You then need to show by your actions that you meant your apology. Trust me, if someone continually apologizes but behaviors don't change, it doesn't mean anything.

[Rightsmach]

Ok though I added this just now: ...and I'm sorry for accusing you of blowing me off. You're always there when I need you and I appreciate it. If you want to level tomorrow you're welcome to come.

I'm going to give my behavior patterns more thought because I've definitely been in this situation before. Thank you for your help. If there's any resources you can point to me to give more insight I'd appreciate it.

[Chris516]

I get the feeling, from what I read, of a lot of nit-picking. By both, equally.

[R&R]

Again, there is no need for an additional apology. IMHO, it's annoying when someone can't let something go. If my SO and I have a disagreement and we've discussed it and apologies have been made (if necessary), then it's over. To continue to apologize or bring it up opens up the whole thing again. Let it go.

Also, what else do the two of you do besides play this game/MMO? Maybe it's time to move away from that and start to spend actual time together as the people you are IRL and not in this setting.

[Ejoriah]

Also, what else do the two of you do besides play this game/MMO? Maybe it's time to move away from that and start to spend actual time together as the people you are IRL and not in this setting.

I was gonna ask something along these lines. It seems that you (and maybe the both of you) are reading a lot and ascribing meaning to each tiny in-game action. What other sorts of quality time do you have together that isn't mediated by a game? I find that the more comfortable I am being myself around a partner, the less likely I am to try and read something into every tiny action.

[differentcountries]

Instead of apoligizing further, it is much better to offer solutions that may help ease or prevent misunderstandings. You would not expect a friend to always read you mind, but be a bit practical. Misunderstanding happen every day, even by people who know each other well and even live together. It is better to expect them then to be shocked when it happens.

[abna1]

Also, what else do the two of you do besides play this game/MMO? Maybe it's time to move away from that and start to spend actual time together as the people you are IRL and not in this setting.

I was gonna ask something along these lines. It seems that you (and maybe the both of you) are reading a lot and ascribing meaning to each tiny in-game action. What other sorts of quality time do you have together that isn't mediated by a game? I find that the more comfortable I am being myself around a partner, the less likely I am to try and read something into every tiny action.

Do you even consider it to be something more serious, OP? Other than an in-game "awkward pseudo relationship"?

[Rightsmach]

Again, there is no need for an additional apology. IMHO, it's annoying when someone can't let something go. If my SO and I have a disagreement and we've discussed it and apologies have been made (if necessary), then it's over. To continue to apologize or bring it up opens up the whole thing again. Let it go.

Also, what else do the two of you do besides play this game/MMO? Maybe it's time to move away from that and start to spend actual time together as the people you are IRL and not in this setting.

We used to watch YouTube videos and share memes. She's in Europe and I'm in America and we're slated to meet in June. But lately we talk and we're growing distant. She never mentions wanting to call me or do something on our own and she's always hanging with friends though granted she agreed to call tomorrow when I asked her to hang out. We still haven't defined a time. She wants to see how we connect in person so we agreed to slow down but I found out she said in a voice chat with other people that we don't talk that much. I have no reason to believe she won't meet me in June. She hasn't given me a reason not to trust her but I'm scared there will be no connection in June because our relationship feels flat lately.

[R&R]

We used to watch YouTube videos and share memes. She's in Europe and I'm in America and we're slated to meet in June. But lately we talk and we're growing distant. She never mentions wanting to call me or do something on our own and she's always hanging with friends though granted she agreed to call tomorrow when I asked her to hang out. We still haven't defined a time. She wants to see how we connect in person so we agreed to slow down but I found out she said in a voice chat with other people that we don't talk that much. I have no reason to believe she won't meet me in June. She hasn't given me a reason not to trust her but I'm scared there will be no connection in June because our relationship feels flat lately.

A relationship can't be based on YouTube vidoes, memes and MMO's. Though it's good to have things in common, a relationship needs substance. It's not going to grow if there's nothing solid for it to be based on. You may want to step away from the MMO and take time to really talk and get to know one another. Take a look at this and see how many of these things you know about her and what she knows about you:

https://www.romanceways.com/100-best...questions.html

It sounds like you two really need to spend time getting to know each other at individuals before making such a big trip in June.