Reality Check

[Tonyg]

Hi, I am new to this site and am seeking your advice, opinions and please be brutally honest. I am a male and will be 61 years old this month. I've been with my SO for 19 years. She is 56. We've lived in Utah for 14 years then 7 months ago she accepted a job transfer to Ca.
I must remain in Utah for at least one more year before I am able to retire. I have never experienced a LDR and am suffering with loneliness and sadness. We see each other about every two weeks for 3 day visits. In reading some other posts my situation appears easy but I don't feel that way. I find myself obsessing constantly and sometimes the sadness is persistent and is unbearable. When I wake up in the morning the feeling is the worst, that's when the reality sets in. The low feeling stays with me throughout the day. We do talk on the phone in the evening but that does not fill the need to be together, it feels like I in a state of unfinished business and the separation must be resolved.
After this first 7 months I feel that I am not moving forward. With 12 more months to go I am in a panic. I really think I am weak and a wimp as I am taking sleeping pills and an anti-depressant. I am also seeing a therapist. I even adopted a wonderful dog from a shelter. I really love him! All these things are helping somewhat but I cannot get past the constant grief that I am experiencing.
My symptoms are all and only related to what I feel as abandonment due to the separation. What I really find weird is that I start feeling depressed while she is still visiting me as I anticipate her departure. Am I hopeless and a mess?
Please let me know if I am the only one that processes this type of situation with anxiety in this manner? Please help me and don't hold back any punches. I want to get past this ever so badly.
Many thanks in advance....

[CanadianGirl]

It really doesn't matter how often you do get to be with your SO, having to spend so much time apart (and after 14 years together!) will feel terrible. Everything you're feeling is valid and real. It might be helpful diverting your energy towards finding out new ways to stay connected while apart and coming up with plans for time together. This distance has an end date and she will be coming back to you.

[2Rocky]

3 days every 2 weeks sounds pretty good.

What leisure activities can you put that emotion into? Think about a landscaping or home improvement project you can do before she visits again. When your mind and body are occupied and directing that emotion it can be powerful.

How active are you? I find that I get less melancholy if I can raise my heart rate and sweat it out. Yep even if I find myself in tears while doing it. Take your dog for a hike, run, bike ride...

Develop a new skill to surprise your sweetheart. Art, or cooking or music. Make something special to commemorate that final Closing the Distance day.

Develop or expand a new social circle. They don't take the place of your SO, but you aren't alone. Maybe do a group dog training class.

Make every visit a honeymoon. Go do some date-like activity. Schedule the time off from work and don't allow it to interfere. Plan for the next visit during the current one so you have something to look forward to.

I know the pre-parting dread you feel. Tell yourself you are going to live IN the Moment. Cram as much as you can into that time. Make it special. Nearly every visit it has been a race to the airport to get there in time. For a reason. When I drop ML off for the early morning shuttle it is still 3 hours before work. I have to go do a run in the hills so I'm not alone with my misery.

Contact while you are apart. If you have a regular call time, think about what you are going to tell her you accomplished today. Make a list and check that stuff off. Keep those check lists in a journal and look back to see how far you've come.


Those are some things that I've done that have helped. Hope some of them can inspire you.

[Bee'sknees]

It's totally understandable, especially after such a long time together. It's very difficult and it has been said many times, but try to focus on other things. Get active, get a new hobby, focus on things you enjoy doing. That makes the time fly at least a bit quicker. Plan nice things for you two to do when you're together. I used to dwell on negative things like departures and being apart, and it's not good for you or the relationship, which is why it's important to have a life of your own. Also, meditation really helped me with my anxiety over these things. There are useful meditation videos on YouTube if you'd like to try that. Just try and remember that this situation will not last forever.

Hope you will feel better soon, and have a great birthday as well!

[Sparkling72]

Also, remember, every day you get through is one day closer to your ultimate goal! sometimes what helps me, is I think about all the years that have gone by so fast... I mean, look how fast those go! In the long run, this is a blip on the radar. I know, believe me, we all know how hard this is, but it sounds like you're in an unhealthy place, and it's very easy to get there and stay there. Rocky had very good advice!! Expand your circle, take up a hobby, get out and do more things. Take this time to rediscover who you are as a person and new ways to enjoy your time together. You will be amazed at how wonderful and exciting new things feel. One thing I try not to do, is get down before SO and I part ways. I stay happy right up to the end b/c I am still with him!! He's not gone yet and why waste any time together being unhappy.

Do the 2 of you video chat regularly? When my SO is ashore, I'll video chat with him while I'm cooking dinner and it's like he's there with me. We do that a lot. But, stick to a schedule... like 7:30pm on whatever days and that way you both have something to look forward to and time to get home from work, unwind a bit, eat dinner, and then have that time to enjoy your evening. Find TV shows you can binge watch together and call each other when you've watched the same episodes to talk/gasp/share over them. what kinds of things did you do together at home in the evenings? Doing things like that will amazingly seem routine after a bit.

In the end, though, it's all up to you and how you want to be. Do you want to stay miserable every day? Which could make her resent you in the long run for making her feel guilty for taking this job... Or do you want to be supportive and happy with the reality that you still see each other on a very regular basis? The choice is yours and learning to cope is difficult, but I bet you have been through far worse things than just separation anxiety. Also, think of it from her perspective, does she like seeing you like this? Is it affecting your relationship? Put the big boy pants on and regain your composure. Show her a strong partner who supports and loves her no matter what! Prove to her that your love can and will survive this very short time in your lives apart.

[TaraMarie]

Hi, I am new to this site and am seeking your advice, opinions and please be brutally honest. I am a male and will be 61 years old this month. I've been with my SO for 19 years. She is 56. We've lived in Utah for 14 years then 7 months ago she accepted a job transfer to Ca.
I must remain in Utah for at least one more year before I am able to retire. I have never experienced a LDR and am suffering with loneliness and sadness. We see each other about every two weeks for 3 day visits. In reading some other posts my situation appears easy but I don't feel that way. I find myself obsessing constantly and sometimes the sadness is persistent and is unbearable. When I wake up in the morning the feeling is the worst, that's when the reality sets in. The low feeling stays with me throughout the day. We do talk on the phone in the evening but that does not fill the need to be together, it feels like I in a state of unfinished business and the separation must be resolved.
After this first 7 months I feel that I am not moving forward. With 12 more months to go I am in a panic. I really think I am weak and a wimp as I am taking sleeping pills and an anti-depressant. I am also seeing a therapist. I even adopted a wonderful dog from a shelter. I really love him! All these things are helping somewhat but I cannot get past the constant grief that I am experiencing.
My symptoms are all and only related to what I feel as abandonment due to the separation. What I really find weird is that I start feeling depressed while she is still visiting me as I anticipate her departure. Am I hopeless and a mess?
Please let me know if I am the only one that processes this type of situation with anxiety in this manner? Please help me and don't hold back any punches. I want to get past this ever so badly.
Many thanks in advance....

You are completely normal. My husband gets so mad at me because I count down the hours until he has to leave, and we are together every fri night through mon morning. I HATE when he has to leave, but we both know it's not forever and we both know there's a good reason for this. We combat it with video chat. Every single night. From 9 pm until the next morning. We sleep on FaceTime together. I love to wake up and hear him snoring from 900 miles away. When I get out of the shower he is there, waiting to wish me a good day before he heads out to work. We watch TV together, or surf the Internet together. Unless one of us has other plans (which are usually work plans), we are home "together" every night. And I would rather do that then anything else, if I can't have him here with me. Your feelings are normal. But you can't let them drown you.

[Chris516]

Hi, I am new to this site and am seeking your advice, opinions and please be brutally honest. I am a male and will be 61 years old this month. I've been with my SO for 19 years. She is 56. We've lived in Utah for 14 years then 7 months ago she accepted a job transfer to Ca.
I must remain in Utah for at least one more year before I am able to retire. I have never experienced a LDR and am suffering with loneliness and sadness. We see each other about every two weeks for 3 day visits. In reading some other posts my situation appears easy but I don't feel that way. I find myself obsessing constantly and sometimes the sadness is persistent and is unbearable. When I wake up in the morning the feeling is the worst, that's when the reality sets in. The low feeling stays with me throughout the day. We do talk on the phone in the evening but that does not fill the need to be together, it feels like I in a state of unfinished business and the separation must be resolved.
After this first 7 months I feel that I am not moving forward. With 12 more months to go I am in a panic. I really think I am weak and a wimp as I am taking sleeping pills and an anti-depressant. I am also seeing a therapist. I even adopted a wonderful dog from a shelter. I really love him! All these things are helping somewhat but I cannot get past the constant grief that I am experiencing.
My symptoms are all and only related to what I feel as abandonment due to the separation. What I really find weird is that I start feeling depressed while she is still visiting me as I anticipate her departure. Am I hopeless and a mess?
Please let me know if I am the only one that processes this type of situation with anxiety in this manner? Please help me and don't hold back any punches. I want to get past this ever so badly.
Many thanks in advance....

I hope you haven't told her, you feel abandoned?

You are not the only one with anxiety.

I saw something the other day. It was called 'Paralysis of Analysis'. It is a good description of feelings like those in an LDR.