Would like advice from people who understand...

[JenJen1976]

I have been in a long distance relationship with my partner (he's 43) for over 5 1/2 years now. We met on a dating site and instantly hit it off. We spoke for months before even meeting. It's a 300 miles journey between us, which takes about 6 hours to drive.

We have never gone a day without talking in some form. I believe that he is my "soul mate" and everything feels different with him. I'm so happy when I'm with him, but miserable quite a lot of the time we're apart because I miss him so much. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. He says exactly the same about me. He says he is going to marry me.

The things I worry about all seem to centre around the fact that he has a bit of a wall up in my opinion. I suspect he's been hurt but he doesn't talk about his past because he says it's not relevant to us and I am his future. The issues that bother me most are:

1. I have never been to his house and seen where he is from and met his family. He says that it's not something I should worry about and that I will go up soon. He's a very private person and comes from a place where everyone knows everyone's business. It upsets me that I haven't had an invite though.

2. Sorry to get naughty... but we haven't been intimate in over 4 years. Mainly because we haven't stayed the night with each other and that's mostly down to him. A year or so ago he said he didn't want to do stuff like that with me until we were in a position to be with each other properly. We have discussed it a lot because it makes me feel a little like he doesn't want to. Which would be weird. But he says he absolutely does and that he definitely does fancy me.

3. We can never make plans together and I don't get why that is. He has let me down a few times in the past by not being able to come down when he said he was going to. I hate that I can't make definite plans with him.* I think maybe the reason he doesn't commit to plans is because he doesn't want to let me down. Maybe.

I think he is stubborn and set in his ways. He's 43 and lived on his own for a long time. I worry about the above, and that he is just never going to commit to me. It has now been 5 months since I last saw him and it's really getting me down. He is always positive and will just say stuff like you'll see me soon and we'll be together soon but I now feel we are at the point where we need to decide to be together properly or let it go. We have discussed moving and the pros and cons of either one of us moving but I feel like he may now be avoiding talking about it properly and that's why I haven't seen him in so long. But if he is avoiding it surely that's a bad thing?

I am thinking about going up to where he lives in a couple of weeks. I won't just turn up at his door because I think that's an invasion of privacy and would break his trust, but I'm planning on driving up and asking him to meet me because I think that might be the only way to make him face things. I really don't know how that will go though and I'm worried.

He says I am the best thing that's ever happened to me. Surely if that's the case he should fight for me...

So sorry for the long post. There's so much more to this but I feel I can't really speak to people about it as they don't understand.

Any advice or guidance would be very much appreciated. I love this man and just want to fix things. Should I drive up?

[Sparkling72]

Wait, 5 1/2 years and you have never seen his house?? 5 1/2 years and he won't tell you about his past or his family? He won't spend the night with you? No sex in 4 years? seriously? Are you 100% certain he even told you his real name?? None of this sounds right to me... it's screaming "married" all over it!! After 5 years... heck, after 5 months, who doesn't talk about their past or family with their love one, soul mate, partner, whatever you choose to call your SO... seriously! I'd have stalked the hell out of him on line a long time ago. IMHO, If it smells like a fish, it's a fish.

[Chris516]

Wait, 5 1/2 years and you have never seen his house?? 5 1/2 years and he won't tell you about his past or his family? He won't spend the night with you? No sex in 4 years? seriously? Are you 100% certain he even told you his real name?? None of this sounds right to me... it's screaming "married" all over it!! After 5 years... heck, after 5 months, who doesn't talk about their past or family with their love one, soul mate, partner, whatever you choose to call your SO... seriously! I'd have stalked the hell out of him on line a long time ago. IMHO, If it smells like a fish, it's a fish.

OP.......DITTO!!!!

My (ex)fiance were together four years in an LDR. I went out there at least once a year. I never saw the inside of her parents' main house(I went inside their second house). Because she has OCD and is a hoarder. He doesn't sound like my ex. It sounds like something else is going on.

[JenJen1976]

Wait, 5 1/2 years and you have never seen his house?? 5 1/2 years and he won't tell you about his past or his family? He won't spend the night with you? No sex in 4 years? seriously? Are you 100% certain he even told you his real name?? None of this sounds right to me... it's screaming "married" all over it!! After 5 years... heck, after 5 months, who doesn't talk about their past or family with their love one, soul mate, partner, whatever you choose to call your SO... seriously! I'd have stalked the hell out of him on line a long time ago. IMHO, If it smells like a fish, it's a fish.

Hi sorry I should have been clearer. He does talk about his family and I know what he tells me is true because I HAVE stalked the hell out of him online. That's how I know he is who he says he is and he lives on his own. I'm very very good at that kind of thing believe me 😃

I think it's more about him and his issues. The sex thing isn't ideal but at least I know he's not just using me for that.... And if he did have something else going on up there I don't know what the hell he'd be gaining by keeping me hanging on for so long. I also don't know where he'd find the time given he has a full time job and volunteers with the coastguard and is messaging me all day every day. So I don't think it's that.

[Moon]

He says he's going to marry you, but he keeps you an arm's length away. That's really not OK.

The family thing is strange, no matter how private, you'd think he'd want to share you with the people he loves. Unless his family is a serious freak show and he's embarrassed, you should have met them, probably quite a few times. My guy's mother doesn't speak any English, and I speak almost no Finnish, but we see her almost every time I visit. My guy thought it was unnecessary at first, with the language barrier and our ages, but I insisted gently, and things are just fine. For the sake of disclosure though, I haven't met his father, he doesn't live that close. If he does have a family he's embarrassed by, he should trust you enough to tell you that.

Unless he has some strong ethical/moral/religious values that prevents sex before marriage, that's bullshit. Really, it is. You've had sex with him already, he doesn't get to change something so crucial without discussing it in full, honest detail first. For me, this would be an absolute deal breaker. What will you do if you do get married, and he still won't have sex without telling you honest, true reasons for it? If his sex drive is gone, or he's having "issues", or whatever, that's OK and can be worked through, but just deciding on his own to stop having sex, isn't OK. Not at all.

You have the right to know at least a little bit about his past relationships, and why they failed, if you're considering marriage. That insight could prove extremely important to your choices. Maybe that's why he's being so secretive about it? If it were me, I would not be able to marry someone who had a past he refuses to discuss. If he trusts you and actually thinks he's your "soul mate" (sorry for the quotes, I'm not a believer in soul mates ) he shouldn't have any problem discussing all aspects of his life with you.

Has he been married before?

Sorry to sound negative, but it seems you have some things to work through here, I hope it works out for you!

[Rezie]

1. I have never been to his house and seen where he is from and met his family. He says that it's not something I should worry about and that I will go up soon. He's a very private person and comes from a place where everyone knows everyone's business. It upsets me that I haven't had an invite though.

It's weird that you haven't seen his house if he lives alone. I think he is hiding something big...my first instinct is that he is married and lives in the house with his famly.

2. Sorry to get naughty... but we haven't been intimate in over 4 years. Mainly because we haven't stayed the night with each other and that's mostly down to him. A year or so ago he said he didn't want to do stuff like that with me until we were in a position to be with each other properly. We have discussed it a lot because it makes me feel a little like he doesn't want to. Which would be weird. But he says he absolutely does and that he definitely does fancy me.

If you are 6h drive away then why haven't you spend the night together? You meet up for a day? You stay ina hotel separately? You've had sex sex before so unless he is unable to perform or is very religious then this is not ok. Why would you not want to have sex with your parner if the only reason you have is that you want to wait to be together properly. If he has some arousal problems or religious problems then he should talk about it with you.

3. We can never make plans together and I don't get why that is. He has let me down a few times in the past by not being able to come down when he said he was going to. I hate that I can't make definite plans with him.* I think maybe the reason he doesn't commit to plans is because he doesn't want to let me down. Maybe.

I still think he is married. Has he given you an explanation why he has been unable to come down?

t has now been 5 months since I last saw him and it's really getting me down.

Why haven't you met in 5 months? It's a 6h drive. It's a long way to visit every weekend but surely doable every now and then. Or meeting half way.

I am thinking about going up to where he lives in a couple of weeks. I won't just turn up at his door because I think that's an invasion of privacy

Good! I'm personally against suprise visits so glad you are not randomly going to show up. Just let him know you will come down and want to meet. I don't think there is a lot to be fixed. If he is commited then he just needs to show it.