Were supposed to get married this summer, he postponed.

[Sakuu4]

last year me and my SO decided to get married this summer, after his 2 months training at his new job. We are (or should I say "were") doing that because, of course, we love each other and we can't wait to live together again (we were CD for the first year), and also because with that I can get a visa and work there.
In order to apply for the visa we don't only need to be married, but also have the same address (that's why we have to wait he finishes his training, cause after that the boss will assign him a city to live in, he still doesn't know where it will be) and a guarantor, which could be one of his relatives.
He talked to his family about this and they said it was too early in their opinion, we knew that already.
Yesterday he says it doesn't matter, we'll find a way, he'll talk again bla bla, same things we always said.
Today he tells me they are right, he can't do that now, he needs to be more stable (like adjusting to the work, make some more money etc), he asks me to wait another year AT LEAST.

Obliviously, I am really upset. Not because he wants to wait, I mean there are many reasons which make it understandable to wait..(well, I don't see why they were all things that could have been solved till yesterday and now are super big deals, but still) I would have listened seriously to any of his worries/concern/reasons to wait. What is killing me is that he DECIDED already. We didn't talk about that, no, he just told me he couldn't do that anymore. I feel like he left me alone on the boat, in the middle of the ocean.

I graduated last november and decided not to search for a Job here (well I still do work when I can, I mean a real career) since I was going to move there. So what about me now? he has everything planned already, with or without me. For me it changes everything. I don't want to waste one year doing occasional jobs (which btw are not that easy to find), but if I find a real one I have to be available for the first 6 months at least, which means no vacations = no visits. And even visiting feels like such a waste of money since I could just use that to settle down there. Not to mention I hate the feeling of him adjusting to a new city/place/house, making friends and starting a new life by himself ..I will just feel out of place :|

I am really speechless. I am disappointed (I told him all of the above) and really feel alone. At the same time, i feel like I can't do anything but accept the whole situation.

I hope I am seeing things worse than they are, so any opinion or advice is welcomed!
ps: sorry for mistakes

[Rezie]

That's really crappy. But in my opinion marrage is something that shouldn't be taken lighty. Could be that his family got to him, but he was so easily convinced othervise then he wasn't ready. Have you told him that you think that he should have spoken with you? I think you should talk with him about the schedule so that you can plan your own life. Doing odd jobs doesn't serve you well either. And together find a solution. oh it says you talked with him. What did he say? Could he give you additional information or solution?

[Sakuu4]

Yeah but he was the one who suggested getting married :| he also keeps talking about babies and stuff like that so I don't know, it could be but then why not saying that openly?
He said he's promising me that he won't change idea (cause I said that I am sure after one year there will be other issues coming up) and doesn't see any other solution. that he would live by himself so I can go and stay with him for some time, when I told him about the job issue he said he could even wait six months without meeting, which is something I don't know if I can do.
The longest we have been apart was 4 months and things went really bad, like I was ready to break up cause we just became so distant ( I know a lot of people does that and still manages, I truly respect them, but I think it's not our thing, maybe because we lived together for the first year).

The worst thing is seeing the end, like I was SURE the worst was gone and then you don't see that anymore. It's just too much right now. He said I should take some time to think about it, but what should I think about? Whatever I think he decided already :/
We just stopped talking cause it was late, after some time I sent a message to him saying that it's ok, we'll manage somehow like we did till now and that he should focus on his job (since he's going there tomorrow), but I just said that cause I don't want him to be too stressed, I really don't know if I can do that.

I don't know, I just thought we were on the same page, but clearly we are not.
Thank you for your answer

[Rezie]

well I know you have read my thread and my boyfriend postboned our cloing the distance date. And for me that started doubting my relationship and I feel a lot of distrust towards him which you can read in my ultimatum thread. So I'm not the one to help.

Not seeing for 6 months totally sucks but so does being unemployed at home and not being able to try to find a job. Is there a non marriage option for you to stay there? Such as moving there to be with your partner and look for work and then have a work visa? I'm not sure what he expecting you to think either. Every relationship is defferent so all that I can say is think about yourself. Don't just wait around till he decides it's a good time. Have a plan for your life as an individual.

[Moon]

Well, that's incredibly disappointing, I'm really sorry.

Since he made this decision on his own, without involving you, and you don't really have a timeline anymore, I think you need to start focusing more on you instead of your relationship, and doing the things you should be doing for your own improvement and happiness. I think you should absolutely start looking for career-based work, you're wasting too much time where you could be gaining valuable work experience, which will only benefit you a whole lot when you finally do move. It can be very difficult getting a job as a foreigner and having a year or two under your belt makes you much more attractive to a potential employer. You won't die if you have to go 6 months without a visit, I promise Also, if you have hobbies you enjoy, or do any volunteer work, or were thinking of trying something new, now's the time to pursue it, those things will both help you grow as a person, and may help you look even better to a future hiring manager.

I think what he did was crap, and horribly unfair, so take a step back and put yourself first for a little while, it'll help you think and give you some knowledge and maybe a bit of perspective. Good luck.

[Sparkling72]

Moon gave very good advice. Focus on you, find a job in your field, and work on your life right now. When one door seems to close, another always opens. Perhaps he is also uncertain since he is just starting a new job and is feeling a lot of pressure with that and where he might end up moving to, getting settled. All of those concerns make sense, but those are things you can still do together. I would think it would ease his burden to have you at home with him... helping him settle while he is at work, making meals, doing those little things that he would have to do all by himself. But, maybe it's a pride thing... he wants to be the stable provider first? At any rate, stay strong, and focus on you!

[Sakuu4]

Thank you for your advice.

I know you are all right (Moon, you really said something wise about the work experience, thank you) and I will try to find something for myself.
I also know that it's not impossible and it's "only" an other year. It's just that right now I feel overwhelmed. It's ok, we just need a new plan, although I keep repeating that to myself I can't help but not being really positive about the future. I guess I don't have any other choice but see how it goes anyway.

Is there a non marriage option for you to stay there?

I can stay there up to three months as a tourist but I can't work. Finding a job who sponsors me it's quite hard, while it is not hard to find something (even in my field) with a workable visa already. I tried being there and have some interviews after I graduated, but that was the result. Like, to have a chance for someone to sponsor me, it will most likely not be in my field. Also, there's the problem that I still don't know in which city to search.

I would think it would ease his burden to have you at home with him... helping him settle while he is at work, making meals, doing those little things that he would have to do all by himself. But, maybe it's a pride thing... he wants to be the stable provider first?

That's what we also thought and he said to me. Doesn't matter if we don't have a big house or if he's stressed at work as long as we are together.
He said that after talking to his family (which I doubt won't bring up other issues even after one year) he understood that he needs to be the one who supports me, cause he is "the man" and will also need to help me with a lot of things language-wise bla bla so he needs to be stable before.
Not to mention I want to work (and wouldn't go there with 0 money anyway) and majored in Japanese so I don't really know where all this (allow me to say "old way of thinking") is coming from, I guess it's a culture thing that I can't really change.
He said he can't "betray" his family, and getting married before the time his family suggested would mean to go against them.
Of course I am not asking him to do that, but I told him that then he should have spoken with them before making plans with me. :\

[Sparkling72]

I can understand the culture and customs that he is obligated to follow and theirs are very strict and deep-rooted. The upside to this is that is sounds like they (will eventually) approve of your marriage. A lot of "old ways of thinking" would frown upon marrying someone who was not also Japanese. I really think that is in your favor

[Sakuu4]

I really hope so and not that they are using the timing just as an excuse + will still be against in the future.
I think the real issue for them is not that I am not Japanese (his mum seemed happy and we used to talk on the phone), but that he decided to marry before consulting them, in fact she refused even to say hi to me on the phone after he told her

edit: I told that to him and he said that at that time he would marry anyway cause he "officially" followed what they told him. I hope so.

[Sparkling72]

She shouldn't take it out on you that he didn't follow their rules though. I don't envy you having to navigate the cultural differences. How does your family feel about all of this?

[Sakuu4]

Yeah also because it came out of the blue. I though it was all fine!

My family just feels sorry for me since I can't go there as planned. They offered to give me some money but unfortunately that's not the point here.
I must say they have always been supportive and never put me pressure about finding a good job or staying here etc. This actually makes it harder for me to understand how can his family (well it's just his mum + relatives, he doesn't talk to his father anymore) not try to understand his feelings.

[C.C.]

Yeah also because it came out of the blue. I though it was all fine!

My family just feels sorry for me since I can't go there as planned. They offered to give me some money but unfortunately that's not the point here.
I must say they have always been supportive and never put me pressure about finding a good job or staying here etc. This actually makes it harder for me to understand how can his family (well it's just his mum + relatives, he doesn't talk to his father anymore) not try to understand his feelings.

Culture shapes someone's thinking. It's not that they don't care, they do, but in their own way. They probably feel like they are doing "good" for him with this and that that good is more important than his personal feelings ATM. And it's not like they are preventing or going against something either, just asking him to wait, which seems reasonable for them.
Also some cultures (and I feel like Japanese one too) are incredibly family oriented.

He's compromising right now but also, look at it this way, if his mother doesn't follow up to what she said (meaning she doesn't approve later either), he'll feel more justified to not listen to it as well. I don't know what type of guy he is and whether he is just easily convinced or compromising for the sake of peaceful solution/respect/etc. If he is the former, I'd be more worried and explain the situation. If not, then I wouldn't worry about him not doing it. That doesn't make the current situation less tough tho

Stay strong and try to understand/learn (not necessarily accept or approve their thinking tho) the cultural differences as much as possible so that you have a better picture of what's individual and what's something shaped from culture and traditions.

Also, doesn't he feel bad about the whole situation as well?

[Sakuu4]

I can see (like you said, not share, but I somehow understand) their worries and I feel like that can't be really helped. Or at least it's too late now to make them change mind.
He is not doing that only to respect them, somehow now he is convinced that we can't make it without their support. I think he is afraid that if one day we'll need something and we are in bad terms with them we'll be alone? So yeah, maybe 50% being influenced, 50% compromising.
I don't know, It's not like I would tell him to go against his family anyway, what made me so upset is the fact that he changed idea in one day and I wasn't part of this process.
Maybe I underestimated this family oriented thing, like you said.

Also, doesn't he feel bad about the whole situation as well?

He says he is sorry, that he shouldn't have told me to get married before he was sure he could, that he will work hard and believes that we can make it.
I am trying to be supportive anyway, I'm not blaming it on him, but I still fell discouraged and he knows that.

I'm trying to focus on what to do from now on and not debating to much on what happened (since it seems that nothing can be done anyway). I'm hoping that maybe it won't take that long and something will change during the run, cause it helps me seeing this period not just as "one year apart" block, but at the same time I don't want false hopes. I'm still searching for my peace of mind :/