I want you to want to do the dishes...

[Rosebud]

So this is sort of a difficult thought process to put into mind, so just bear with me.

I've read other posts around the forum of people wishing their SOs would do something special for them. Just something wildly romantic out of nowhere like send them flowers at work or write them a letter with a love poem included. But hell, I've seen people ask for less than that from their SOs. To just want a simple text or an email, for some basic communication or photos when the distance starts to get really tough.

And sometimes our SOs get it. Sometimes they don't. And it's just not the same when we have to ASK them for it. Because deep down you want them to just do it themselves. So all that's left is to just wait, either to be met with joyous surprise, or heart-aching misery.

How do you guys handle this?

[Moon]

My guy is not the romantic type, I think I'd collapse in shock if he wrote me a sweet poem, sent flowers, etc. Sometimes it bothers me a little, until I think about the things he DOES do He does my laundry when I'm there, stays up way to late to talk to me at night, he calms me down and makes me laugh. He buys what I want from the grocery store. The first time I visited him, he even bought me slippers, so I wouldn't be cold.

As much as I'd love to be surprised with those lovely romantic gestures, what he does do is pretty damn nice.

[Zephii]

Great thread title. Sometimes, that's all I want haha.

I think it's important for us all (me included) to accept that this isn't Hollywood. Our partners are likely not going to just understand our desires without being told. So we just have to ask. For a long time I struggled with that because when you ask and you do get what you want, it seems to cheapen the experience. You wonder if they really wanted to do it, or just did it because they thought they had to to keep you happy. And stuff like that.

But I'm learning now to appreciate the simple fact that he listens to me, listens and remembers. Ok, he doesn't always get it right and neither do I - but when he does, that's something special. That shows he cares in its own way.

Sometimes you can just tell your SO "I don't want to ask for it, because I want you to want to do it" (whatever it is). Sometimes they really do want to do it, but they just would never have thought to do it themselves. Other times they don't see the world the same way we do, and we can learn from each other by sharing.

Me, I handle it by reminding myself of all the wonderful things he does do, rather than the things he doesn't. And I ask myself "is this really important?" chances are if it's important I'll talk to him about it. If it's not worth the conversation, it's probably not important enough that I should upset myself over it. And other times if it's something I'd really like to receive, I'll do it for him instead. Sometimes that's just as beautiful

[folclor]

heh, Alex is only romantic when in person. well, I shouldn't say that as he has his moments. However, he doesn't get hints. They just...don't work for him. If I tell him straight out that I want him to do something, he'll generally do it. however...that always takes away the element of whta you really want, doesn't it? It's not something specific you want from them, it's that you want them to think of it themselves ^^;

[Chelsea&Kris]

Well, Kris used to do that a lot for me. I'd wake up with text like 'Goodmorning Sunshine' or he'd just randomly type 'I love you' or call me 'love' but he's not really done that in a while so I know where you're coming from. For me, anytime I want him to do something like that, I do it for him instead. It's not the same, haha, but sometimes giving can be more fufilling than recieving. You never know whether or not they needed it that day, or if they're thinking the same things about you not doing sweet things for them.

It's like I told Kris, when things get hard, or I start to doubt, I just love him harder. And then, like the others, I think of the wonderful things that he does do and try not to focus on the ones he doesn't.

[LadyMarchHare]

I think the most I've asked of him was to quit smoking and that was only because he had quit once before and said he had quit for me. I hadn't asked him the first time, hadn't known he ever smoked, so when he took it up again I asked he do it for the same reason he did the first time. Which I know it's hard to quit, but I have health issues. But I think that's a tad different than what the topic's asking.

Me I really don't need the letters or flowers, I'm good with the stupid little conversations I get maybe once a week via text when he finally has time to reply. I'd like him to reply more but I know he reads them all and essentially that's all I ask instead of him ignoring them. I'm more the person who does the spontaneous gift giving and letter sending namely because it's fun for me and fun to anticipate a response whenever he gets them. He's never asked it of me, but I want to do it because I love him and I know it makes him happy to get my dinky little pen doodle-covered cards in the mail, the entire Hallmark moment ruined by whatever babbling is inside and on the back of the card.

[Silviar]

I remind myself that my boyfriend is my partner, not a mind reader, and he can't know I want something from him and have him be willing unless he knows it's a desire. Leaving it open ended doesn't mean I've made him, it means I've helped our communication and relationship by clearly expressing my needs. It's up to him to decide if he wants to do it, no matter how emphatically I state it, so if he does - he got the message. Problem solved.

If he doesn't, then I think about the many other things he does and if this is again something super important I need, and then find another way to say it if I have to or learn to get over it. I've never not had my partner respond admirably to giving me what I want and need out of a relationship, so... it's been working so far.

[Èternity]

It's a slow road, believe me. If he isn't used to making grand gestures, start small. Praise them, praise them, praise them for any small thing they do which is romantic and do it using romantic/'feeling' language. 'I loved getting your text the other day, I felt so touched'. 'I feel closer to you when we get to talk lately'. You know your SO and the sort of language that is genuine for you. Praise what you want to get more of, ignore the rest.

[nicole]

I took the lead when making romantic gestures, then he followed suit lol I remember the day after we first said "I love you" I spent all day drawing him a family of dinosaurs and writing "RAWR" in the middle, because RAWR means "I love you" in dinosaur he still has it on his wall at work.

Then he started doing things for me, like he'd say he was getting up early to go to the gym, but really he went to get me flowers so I'd see them when I'd left for work. And he's left me little notes around the apartment too. So really, I think the whole doing something special thing is a 2-way street, I wouldn't expect him to do little special things for me if I didn't do little things for him too. And honestly, he does a lot for me when I'm there, he'll just pick up my feet and gives me a massage, he goes to get me sweets when I'm getting the monthly cravings, he always makes sure to do at least half of the household chores. I'm thankfull for those little things, the sweet notes/texts/flowers are just a nice bonus.

[XX, Lexi]

My SO's not the romantic type either XD I tried to get him to write letters to me, but he claims that he doesn't know what to say, since we pretty much talk every day. He's sent me a few things, sent me flowers on Valentine's day and leaves me little texts for when I wake up in the morning, since he works overnight.
I really don't need a lot of love. He tells me he loves me and is sweet to me, whether texting or IMing, so that's all I need <3

[milaya]

Romantic? Romance? Lol, those words are not even part of the Japanese language. (seriously... they have to use words borrowed from English)
So guess I can't blame my SO, especially since I'm totally unromantic myself. We're a great match, no pressure.

But! My SO does have the nice "gentleman" traits. Like; insisting on carrying everything for me, opening doors, gets things for me, always insists on paying everything and he is actually the one who always does the dishes and does the laundry (and 70% of the cooking as well).
Sometimes I actually have to tell him to "leave the damn dishes! I'll do them."
Those things are more important for me, than cute letters with hearts or flowers. (because once again that would put pressure on me)

[squiddie]

Neither of us is especially romantic...I think I'd die of embarrassment if he ever made a grand, public gesture. I write him cards, just because I know it keeps him from feeling totally isolated (even though I'm normally the only person he talks to outside of his family), and sometimes he'll send one back.

But the things he does do for me are more important. He drove an hour to help me deal with a sick kitten (I had adopted it from the shelter, and it turned out to have FLV) and try to calm me down, as I was alone and the cat hadn't stopped crying for almost 2 days straight, and at that point I was breaking down and crying too. After I'd been unable to see him for three weeks in a row, he came and stayed with me for a week.

When we were further apart, he was always willing to stay on Skype and talk to me if I'd been having a bad day, and try to cheer me up, even though he knows when I'm in a funk there's nothing really anyone can do except wait for it to pass. When he'd go on trips and be incommunicado for weeks, he'd send me post cards or greeting cards from the country he was visiting...so I have a birthday card in Dutch, as well as several cards in Spanish. And a post card in Arabic, from Morocco. He was willing to go along with my traveling style, which was slightly more free form than his.

So what if he doesn't send flowers?

[noodle]

My SO is pretty much like me, he would buy me stuff, take me out to dinner and all that. But due to not bein close we cant do that, and international postage is pretty expensive so I dont even want him to spend 10-20 dollars on somethin to send me lol
Other than that I do sometimes say like oh Id looooove flowers and all that jazz ^^ Kind of a contradiction?
But its fun haha so yea
But I dont like takin so Im not goin crazy on him not sendin me letters, presents and all that stuff.

[xMesmerize124]

My bf can be the romantic type when he wants to be
And there has been times he has surprised me with something special, not with flowers and all that other good stuff like that
But by taking off work early so we have more time to talk in the morning, which i think is really sweet and romantic in a way
So i guess i don't have to ask for something special, he just decides when he wants to do something nice for me haha

[Mio]

I think that we all have the idea or fantasy of a perfect relationship, where we get everything we want, etc. But the reality is that we are all humans, and sometimes we fail the expectations of others. Many times I wished my SO would make things, and I would talk to him about it, but the thing was that this ideas never crossed his mind. My point is that sometimes we can be clueless on what to do to please our SO's. So what I do is tell my SO what would be very nice if he ever did it, giving him clues of my likes or dislikes, and then wait until one day he remembers and do them for me.