Loneliness and depression

[Sweetheart6415]

I need some advice as I’m at a loss of what to do. I don’t have any friends who are in long distance relationships so I don’t really have anyone to talk to that will understand. My fiance and I have been together for four years and engaged two. He recently came to stay for a week and we had the most amazing time. But he’s gone home now and we haven’t set a date for when we’ll see each other again, due to my commitments to university I’d only be able to see him for a weekend.
I should explain as well that this university year has been tough so far, I’ve become rather lonely as I don’t see my friends as much as I used to. Due to changes in the course or graduating etc. I get along with my flat mates okay but not enough that I’d consider them friends. This was happening before my fiance visited and had been bringing me down, but then when he visited that obviously, all went away, but now that he’s gone it’s hit me full force.
I cry a lot of the time when I’m by myself, having difficulty sleeping and to concentrate on uni work. I just feel like I’ve got nothing to look forward to. When we’ve parted ways before I’ve normally been down for up to a week, but this feels different. I feel depressed and when I looked into flight/bus tickets for next month to go see him, at first I was excited but the more I thought about it the more I wasn’t satisfied with just seeing him for a weekend. The way I’m feeling now is, I’d rather not see him (at least not for a few months) because parting ways is just too painful and I don’t want to have to go through this process again for only a weekend. Which sounds stupid because I should want to see him no matter what, but I guess it’s a form of self-preservation. Thing is after I graduate we are making plans to live together and eventually get married, he means everything to me but being in a long distance relationship means I’m less part of his life which I think hurts me the most. He's my other half and I struggle not having him in my life. But there’s nothing either of us can do about it.

I know he loves me and cares for me deeply, but I know he might be hurt if I told him I didn’t want to come see him, because I find the departure so painful. I know he’d do anything to see me for a few hours and he’d appreciate any time we can get. I don’t know how to talk to him about it, I know he misses me (we both cried this time round) but he finds it easier to get back into his normal routine than I do. He also has his family and friends around him, while I don’t really have anyone. I've even found myself getting angry and frustrated with him, only because it's easier than missing him (he hasn't noticed this as I've never voiced my anger). Me missing him has led me to dislike our normal method of communicating (via text) as it can be repetitive, I miss talking to him face to face instead of having conversations where one or both of us are doing other things at the same time, thus not giving the conversation our full attention.

I'm just worried this behavior means I'm pushing him away, when really I just need to get through the rest of this year and then we can start planning our life together. But for now I'm just lonely and miss him so god dam much. I nearly didn't get out of bed this morning to go to my morning lecture.

Any advice would really help thank you.

[R&R]

Reading through your whole post, it doesn't appear that the LDR or being apart from your SO is really the issue. You've had changes with time you can spend with your friends and a heavier workload with school. Things that were comfortable with you where you lived at uni are different. Your LDR hasn't changed from what it was. It sounds like you need to build a new network around you at school. Find new people to do things with.

Some people are okay with seeing their SO's for a weekend and others want a long visit. Due to our distance (15-16 hour drive), we usually only see each other for a week at a time. I appreciate getting to see him when I can. We had a 15-month gap between visits last tiime, and right now we looking at an 8-month gap. In a previous LDR, he only lived 2 hours away. I would leave work at 9pm, get to his house for 11pm and be up at 6pm so I could be to work for 9pm. It was worth it to me to be able to get that night of sleeping next to him. I'd do the same now if my SO was that close. It's good to be able to appreciate the times you can have together, even if they are short.

Yes, it's different going from face-to-face back to texting, calls & video calls. All of us in an LDR have also had to make that adjustment after visits. You'll get through it, we all do. Your attitude about things is going to go a long way. Positive thoughts, remembering the fun you've had and making plans together are important. You are an INDIVIDUAL and it's important in a LDR or a CDR that you remember that and maintain that. Not going to a lecture because you miss your SO so much isn't healthy. You have to be you first and a couple second. Good luck.

[Sweetheart6415]

Thank you for the advice, since sending the message I spoke to him about organising to see him and my family next month for a weekend. You were right I just have to be grateful with what I can get, and remember I'm so lucky to have him in my life. I'm just not sure how to fix social aspect, as I'm not close with the majority of my other classmates (I took a semester off and then rejoined so lost a lot of my close friends when they graduated last year). One of my closest friends recently got a bf and has been busy with uni so I barely see her, and another friend got a bf and stopped talking to me. Due to my course I don't really have time for hobbies and money wise this year is tight, as I had to quit my part time job. So I spend most of my time studying and reading/watching tv series, which with someone whose suffering from loneliness isn't healthy.

[lonesomelover9]

Reading this post I felt like I was reading my own words. This is the first long distance relationship I've ever been in, and while we haven't been together too long I have never been so sure about the love I feel in my heart. I get lonely easily, along with feeling depressed and having high anxiety. When I am with him...it all dissapears and I feel completely at ease. He makes me feel whole again and I always look forward to the time I can spend with him. He works full time/goes to school part time and I work full time/go to school part time, so sometimes are schedules can be conflicting. We recently spent a beautiful weekend together, but now I will not see him for a few weeks and needless to say it is tearing me apart. I lay in my bed where he laid merely 24 hours ago and I can't help but sob. My heart hurts knowing I have to go through a long day of work/school and not coming home to his comforting arms.
I also can relate in that he is much better at going back to the normal routine after we spend time together than I am. The first 2 days or so I am a mess. I'm not sure when it will get better and I can bounce back quicker, but here are some tips that help me.

1. Ask for one of his articles of clothing. I have a sweatshirt from my boyfriend and I always wear it those first few nights and it always makes me feel better, as though he is with me.
2. Write letters. Even if you choose not to send them, it helps me to get my feelings out on paper as I cry and cry and cry. (I'm a baby).
3. Do you guys facetime? Talk on the phone? If not I would highly recommend. Today we ate dinner together and worked on homework while we had facetime set up. Didn't even have to talk much, just felt each other's "presence".
4. Imagine how much worse you would feel without him permanently. This is hard I know, but imagine. I have come to realize I would much rather be without him Some of the year than all of the year.
5. Finally I highly suggest you voice how you feel to him. A long distance relationship requries impeccable communication skills and I'm coming to realize this. I was embarrassed at first to admit to him that I could not stop crying but when I finally called him he not only comforted me, but I found out he was feeling the same way!

As far as your loneliness, you must fill your free time with activities that you enjoy. For me, it is coloring, reading, watching Netflix, or something I finally have more time to do: workout. Take advantage of this time alone to do things you normally would not have time to do. Take a bath. And PLEASE, focus on your school work! remember your ultimate goal of graduation and just think that every assignment you turn in you are closer to the end of the distance and a life with your true love