Creating a Long Distance Relationship?

[amm7s]

Hi all. I found this page and forum when looking for LDR advice, and I felt this would be a good place to post my query. I will start with the backstory that led up to it.

I decided to go back to college in 2009, and started college in September of 2009. Entering my 2nd year in college, the fall semester of 2010, I had a class where I met this girl, we will name her Mya. Mya and I sat in the same group together, and so were often working together in the group on class projects and such. Anyways, as is typical for these sorts of stories, I did find myself very attracted to her. However, for a couple reasons, I never acted on it. For one, I thought she was way out of my league, and would never go for a guy like me. And second, I was involved in what turned out to be a negative situation with another girl, but I was far too blind to realize I was in a bad situation at the time. So for those reasons, I never made a move on Mya. However, we did become Facebook friends and kept in touch through that, often commenting on each other's posts and stuff.

Anyways, in September 2013, after graduating from college, I moved back home to California, which is probably about 2000 miles away from where I went to school. I went on about my life, and she went on about her life. I began doing online dating, and having many dating experiences that way. Mya and I would often make Facebook statuses about our dating experiences - not directed towards each other, but we would usually comment on each other's experiences. I'd often be a bit more on the playful and flirty side towards her.

Well a few months back, I made a post talking about how I had driven to a town about 2 hours away from mine for a date, and had gotten stood up. Mya replied to my post, saying "Ironically, I got stood up today too. You should just come back to <her city> so we can date." I contacted her via PM and told her "hey, I always did like you, I liked you back then and wish I would have asked you out." The result of the conversation was basically "You should have, I would have gone out with you. Next time you are out here, let me know, you and I will go out." I visit that city fairly routinely, as I have family that lives there, in addition to close college friends.

There would be some more on again, off again flirting between the 2 of us, typically with me making comments such as "I need to take you up on coming out there", and her extending the invitation to take me out when I come out. Or even making jokes that her and I would probably be better off Skype dating than the options either of us are finding locally. She'd always respond positively to those, but nothing would ever come from it.

Over Valentine's Day, I asked her for her address, and I sent her a Valentine's Day card, and she sent me a small gift as well.

Even more recently, she made a post about race relations in our country (she is African American, I am white). I replied to her post with a bit of a disagreement, which prompted a dialogue between the 2 of us, where the conclusion that our disagreement was over semantics, but on the actual issue she was discussing, we were in full agreement. This prompted a playful response from her saying "Good, because if you and I are going to get married, we need to agree like 95% on race. I don't care if we disagree on sports, cats versus dogs, video games, or whatever, but I can't be disagreeing with my hubby on race." The conversation followed up with a bit of banter back and forth about what our wedding would be like.

I've had a few friends telling me that I need to take a trip out to go and visit her, and talk to her about a long distance relationship. I'm just kind of nervous to, because I hate to propose that arrangement between her and I, and have her respond with a "Oh! I was just joking, it wasn't something I was serious about!" And even if it were something she was serious about, I feel that after so long since we've seen each other in person (nearly 7 years at this point), we'd need to see each other in person first to see how our vibe and chemistry is in person before bringing it up.

So with that said, I actually do have a flight booked to travel out there to visit family and friends, and her. I told her originally that I was thinking about taking a trip out there, to which she said to let her know, and she would take me all around the city and show me all the things that have changed since I've been there, and we'd go out and have a good time together and all that. I have since booked my flight, and reached out to her to let her know that I've booked my flight, and what days I will be in town, and gave her my # to text me so we could stay in touch, and make our plans. Though I haven't heard back from her yet.

So my question is, how would I broach that subject with her? I feel that's a really big thing to ask to ask someone to be in a long distance relationship, especially when it's been nearly 7 years since you've seen each other. I'm torn on if her playfulness, flirtiness, and expressed interest is genuine, or if it's just playful. Personally, I am not anti-LDR, as I've watched my best friend do a LDR of about the same distance I'd be doing, and now he is married to the girl with their 2nd child on the way, and she is the 100% perfect woman for him. Knowing what I know of Mya from our time together in college, and the talks we've shared over Facebook, I feel a similar way, that if we were to try it, and work through the distance, I'd marry her 100%. But, maybe it's just because I'm jaded because of my own dating history, but I'm a bit scared that 1. she's just playing when she says things like this to me and doesn't really mean them and 2. how to even broach the subject when I see her in a few weeks.

Thanks in advance for any insight and advice!

[VividMind9]

1.) Meet her in the coming weeks. See how that goes (chemistry, goals, aspirations). Does it line up? Move to check 2.

2.) Agree to begin a constant communication, through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. If this goes smoothly, move to check 3.

3.) Check 2, means that you can be able to have reliable communication, a must for many in a long distance relationship. If this step is a very smooth one, you could mention how well you two align. Moving to check 4.

4.) Ask her how she feels about being in a committed, long-distance relationship with you. How you do it, boils down to what your communication-style is.

That's just a possible avenue to take, whatever you do, I wish you luck!��

[amm7s]

1.) Meet her in the coming weeks. See how that goes (chemistry, goals, aspirations). Does it line up? Move to check 2.

2.) Agree to begin a constant communication, through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. If this goes smoothly, move to check 3.

3.) Check 2, means that you can be able to have reliable communication, a must for many in a long distance relationship. If this step is a very smooth one, you could mention how well you two align. Moving to check 4.

4.) Ask her how she feels about being in a committed, long-distance relationship with you. How you do it, boils down to what your communication-style is.

That's just a possible avenue to take, whatever you do, I wish you luck!😉

Thank you for your reply, and thank you for your well wishes! I feel that's kind of what my mindset was in regards to how to approach it, but I wasn't sure if I should be doing more right now or not. But I agree, so thank you for validating my current thoughts!

My plan all along has been that I thought the "asking for a committed, long distance relationship" was way too much of a commitment to ask for when we hadn't seen each other in so long, so it was important to me to see her in person first. And since I have family in her area, it's not exactly an outlandish commitment for ME to travel cross country to see her either. Then we can meet, go out, and feel what our chemistry is like in person, then ask for continued communication when I return home, and continue to get to know each other in that route, and then see if we are ready to take the next step to a committed relationship.

I had gone back and forth between thinking I should ask her what she thinks about a long distance relationship when I see her, but I've started to drift into the "ask for communication to continue to get to know each other" mindset. Hearing you say that only further reinforces it.

Thank you again for your reply!

[amm7s]

A follow up question I have...

I mentioned that I have been doing online dating, and I usually meet women pretty frequently from there, and am usually chatting up with someone. Things obviously don't always go anywhere beyond a date or 2, but there's always that possibility.

When I go out there and see her, and talk about keeping in touch, and continuing to get to know each other more, and perhaps eventually down the line even taking the step to a long distance relationship... at what point should I actually start deactivating my dating profiles and focusing exclusively on this girl?

I think that's one area where I'm a bit overthinking things, and maybe finding motivation to push things with her faster than I should.

[kittyo9]

A follow up question I have...

I mentioned that I have been doing online dating, and I usually meet women pretty frequently from there, and am usually chatting up with someone. Things obviously don't always go anywhere beyond a date or 2, but there's always that possibility.

When I go out there and see her, and talk about keeping in touch, and continuing to get to know each other more, and perhaps eventually down the line even taking the step to a long distance relationship... at what point should I actually start deactivating my dating profiles and focusing exclusively on this girl?

I think that's one area where I'm a bit overthinking things, and maybe finding motivation to push things with her faster than I should.

I think once commitment is established, it's time. So, basically, once you've talked to her about it and she's agreed (if she agrees). If she doesn't want to do LD, no sense in cutting yourself off prematurely. However, this might also be something to bring up with her-- if she's interested, ask her what she wants in regards to dating other people. She might want to put conditions on being LD, such as having an open relationship or allowing one another to have casual sex. Stuff like that. It's not unheard of and just depends on the kind of people you are and what you each want out of the relationship.

Most people don't plan on starting a long-distance relationship-- it just kind of happens. There's a lot of feeling about at the start to figure out how to best make the relationship work. I think you're on a good path!

I will add some personal experience: I have been in several LDRs before. After my last one crashed and burned, I was apprehensive about starting a new one, so my current SO and I waited until we were able to meet in person to make the relationship "official." For the months leading up to when we met in person, we talked and flirted constantly, but when we discussed where we stood, I made it clear that until we got that commitment from one another, other people were still fair game. I think we were mentally committed to each other anyway, but when I went out with friends, I knew I still had the option to do as I pleased with whomever I pleased. Once we met and started "officially" dating, our commitment to one another was established.

[amm7s]

I think once commitment is established, it's time. So, basically, once you've talked to her about it and she's agreed (if she agrees). If she doesn't want to do LD, no sense in cutting yourself off prematurely. However, this might also be something to bring up with her-- if she's interested, ask her what she wants in regards to dating other people. She might want to put conditions on being LD, such as having an open relationship or allowing one another to have casual sex. Stuff like that. It's not unheard of and just depends on the kind of people you are and what you each want out of the relationship.

Most people don't plan on starting a long-distance relationship-- it just kind of happens. There's a lot of feeling about at the start to figure out how to best make the relationship work. I think you're on a good path!

I will add some personal experience: I have been in several LDRs before. After my last one crashed and burned, I was apprehensive about starting a new one, so my current SO and I waited until we were able to meet in person to make the relationship "official." For the months leading up to when we met in person, we talked and flirted constantly, but when we discussed where we stood, I made it clear that until we got that commitment from one another, other people were still fair game. I think we were mentally committed to each other anyway, but when I went out with friends, I knew I still had the option to do as I pleased with whomever I pleased. Once we met and started "officially" dating, our commitment to one another was established.

Thank you for your reply!

As I said, I overthink things, pretty much in every aspect of my life lol but especially in relationships.

My feelings are kinda torn on the matter. On one hand, I don't expect any sort of commitment upon seeing her next month, at least no commitment beyond just an agreement to expand our communication and work to get to know each other again. Since there is no commitment, obviously, there's no guarantee on where things would go, so I don't want to cut off other possible options for something that isn't guaranteed.

However, this is something that we've been talking about on some level, even if not regularly, for a year, and now I am taking a trip out there partially to see her and hopefully kick start something. I feel like it would defeat the purpose of doing that over the last year, peaked off with a cross country trip to see her and kick start something between us, just to come back and start dating someone else.

But I am overthinking it - I haven't even seen her in person yet. Our chemistry might click instantly, and it will be clearly obvious. Or maybe there's just nothing there at all and it fizzles before it starts. Answering these questions right away.

However, I have heard from others about the option of having an "open relationship" of sorts, that allows each other to go on dates and even have sex while the relationship is long distance. I'm not sure if that's something I'd be open to, or if that's something I wouldn't be able to deal with. But I guess it'd be a possibility to consider should it come up.

Even considering long distance is something very new to me, so my overthinking is amplified. So thank you to the previous posters for their responses.

[amm7s]

Thank you guys for the replies that you have given me. Unfortunately, it seems to be dead before it starts. Following the booking of my flight, she has turned to all out ignoring me, so at this point I doubt I'll even see her while I'm out there, let alone have any potential and building anything further.

Before booking my flight, I sent her a message telling her I was thinking of coming out, I just needed to work out a few details, as I'd be splitting my time between 2 different cities (her's, and one local). She told me to let her know when I'm out there, and she'd take me around the city, and show me all of the new additions since I've been gone.

After discussing plans and arrangements with friends and family I'd be visiting, I went ahead and booked (this was a couple days later). I sent her a message telling her that I had booked my flight, gave her the dates I'd be in town, and gave her my #, telling her "let's keep in touch and make plans!" The message went unresponded to.

However, she was posting that she was out of town for work, and made a post about how she was drinking by herself at a bar. I began commenting, and we had a brief discussion, in which I said "First round's on me when I see you in June." She responded by saying "I'll buy the second", so I figured her non-response to my PM was just due to work.

Her birthday had come up, and I had sent her a birthday card (I had her address from when she gave it to me a couple months ago to send each other Valentine's Day gifts). I also sent her a message via PM that said "Happy birthday!", which to this day (about 2 or 3 weeks later) is still marked as unread.

Wondering if she had ever even received my message, as she hadn't replied to it in a few weeks, I posted on her Facebook wall telling her what days I was going to be out there to visit, and asked what day she'd be free for meeting up. She told me anyday that is a weekend, so I let her know what day in that would work for me. She agreed to the day, and told me to DM her my number. So I did, again. It is still marked as unread about 2 weeks later.

I still hadn't heard even a thank you for the birthday card (her birthday was about 2 weeks ago), so I also asked her if she had gotten the card, and she hasn't replied.

So she's ignoring me at this point, and doesn't seem much interested in talking, which tells me she's not all that interested in hanging out. Which sucks, because I made my plans to travel partially due to her inviting me out for a year to come out and she'd take me on a date. But she's not the only reason I'm going, and I've got plenty of friends and family plans out there to keep me occupied. Just very disappointing.

[Testing]

Disappointing indeed. Has this progressed at all or being ignored still?

[amm7s]

Still being ignored. I even sent her a message asking her if we're still on for next week when I'm out there, and no reply.

[R&R]

Still being ignored. I even sent her a message asking her if we're still on for next week when I'm out there, and no reply.

I would have to guess that her non-response is her answer. As hard as that may be, you have to take all of her non-actions as she is no longer interested. If she is posting other things and keeping up with other people, then she is making the concious choice to not read your things or respond to you. Keep up your other plans with friends and family and enjoy that part of your trip.

[amm7s]

I would have to guess that her non-response is her answer. As hard as that may be, you have to take all of her non-actions as she is no longer interested. If she is posting other things and keeping up with other people, then she is making the concious choice to not read your things or respond to you. Keep up your other plans with friends and family and enjoy that part of your trip.

Yes, I agree. Although interestingly enough, she finally did reply to me. She said that yes we are still on for our plans to meet up, offered up a suggestion of something she would like to do with me, apologized for the late reply, stating that she has been traveling for work (I still don't completely buy that, considering she has still been posting, so she still has time for social media), and thanked me for the birthday card that I had sent her.

So, I will say that I'll plan on meeting with her while I am out there, but I don't have any expectations beyond just a friendly hangout with old friends.

[amm7s]

Well she stood me up. After a year of talking, and her inviting me out. We finally decided upon seeing each other Friday, and as recently as about a couple hours before we were to meet, she was texting me to confirmake and to finalize our plans. I showed up, and she never did, without even a word. I sent her some texts to let her know how I felt and that she hurt me and took away time I could have been spending with others, but I'm sure it will fall on deaf ears.

I'm equal parts hurt and embarrassed. The way she had started reaching out this week I figured that whatever the outcome, we'd at least meet. I'm just honestly incredibly hurt and shocked right now. I'm just glad it happened at the end of my trip so as to not ruin all the other good stuff that happened

[R&R]

Well she stood me up. After a year of talking, and her inviting me out. We finally decided upon seeing each other Friday, and as recently as about a couple hours before we were to meet, she was texting me to confirmake and to finalize our plans. I showed up, and she never did, without even a word. I sent her some texts to let her know how I felt and that she hurt me and took away time I could have been spending with others, but I'm sure it will fall on deaf ears.

I'm equal parts hurt and embarrassed. The way she had started reaching out this week I figured that whatever the outcome, we'd at least meet. I'm just honestly incredibly hurt and shocked right now. I'm just glad it happened at the end of my trip so as to not ruin all the other good stuff that happened

I'm sorry to hear that it ended this way. As hard as I'm sure it is right now, you already have a great attitude about having great memories from the other aspects of your trip to focus on. Don't be embarrassed. You gave someone the benefit of the doubt and a chance - those are good qualities. It's sad that she behaved how she did and treated you badly but that is on her and not you. I wish you the best.