Long Distance Loneliness

[daveybrown]

Hiya!

I'm new to this forum but signed up because long distance couples really are a rarity and I needed a group of people I can talk to who may have similar experiences to mine.

Me and my boyfriend last saw each other at Christmas, and by the time we meet again it would have been almost 6 months. He's in South Korea and I'm in the England. Long distance has never been easy but it has also never been a massive problem for both of us. We're both relatively easy going and until now i've been pretty relaxed about the whole situation. There is 100% trust in our relationship so let me make it clear that this is not an issue with how i'm coping.

Recently my emotions are becoming more and more fragile. It's final exam season over there so he's constantly busy and if i'm honest I feel a little neglected and lonely. I know he's doing his best for the both of us because the ultimate goal is for him to get a job over here but I feel like i'm more and more needy as our time apart grows, which really wasn't like me before. We skype once a week if we're lucky and when we do it's timed around his other commitments such as friends, uni work, work, family and sleep (because of the time difference)... I feel a little bit like a spare part, despite knowing how much he loves me.

I want this to work and I know it can because I can't see my future with anyone else but him, but recently I feel like my mental wellbeing has been suffering as i'm constantly down all the time and sometimes cant even focus on my university work. Whenever I want to talk to him about my feelings it seems he's out with his friends or sleeping and i'm left feeling alone and clingy whilst he's the unaffected one.

Any advice on how I can cheer myself up or work through this would be amazing as I haven't got anyone around me that understands what i'm going through. Already I feel better just typing this out as I can express myself without being judged which is such a relief! Any of your experiences or anecdotes are so greatly appreciated... tell me if you're the same?

Thanks so much,

Helena

[80anthea]

Welcome to the forum

Honestly the best advice is to keep yourself busy. Make sure you have a life when you're not together that is as good as when you are together, life is too short to be sitting around waiting for the times when you're together.

[Honour]

Talking to others who you know can support you and keeping busy are the best remedies. Whatever interests you, pursue it. Whoever you feel you can talk to about it, communicate with them.

[Lio]

Hi Helena,

My girlfriend is living in Korea as well, but the matter is different as I'm the one having my final exams this month and next month. We met two weeks in February in Korea and she's going to visit me in July. I'd like to visit in October/November or for Christmas/New Year but I don't know yet if I can do it, financially speaking.

I understand how you feel as I miss her as well. We're lucky because we manage to call a lot, but it will be different after her visit, as I'll be looking for a job.

Exam periods are tough, especially in these countries. I agree with both posts above. Also, you may message him at any time and tell him about your feelings, anything you want.. He must have time to reply to you. If you keep messaging a little bit everyday (at least once), in addition of your weekly Skype calls, you might feel less lonely, less neglected.

Good luck to you.

[differentcountries]

To my experience, it comes and goes, comes and goes in waves...

We struggled a lot because his work is structured around season, which is basically holiday time in my world. The time I had to see him, or focus on him, was the same time he was the busiest and mest exhausted. It really took a hold on us, weather together or apart. When he was having more energy, again he struggled because I was working and having a very busy time as everyone was returning from holiday and there was lots of things to be done. Work and studies put a lot of stress on a relationship, but it is also an uppertunity to work through those difficulties. We have learned to not say as much. We say I miss you, we remember times we have been together, we send tons of pictures. It helps us feel close.

When I visit him next time, it too will be close to 6 months since we saw each other. It is really hard to go such a long time between visits and I do hope it will be only a couple of years more at this.

Keeping busy - rembering that if and when you in the future want to close the distance, you will need that other life, too. You will need friends and family and hobbies and workout and your jobs and all of that.

As for scheduling; it should be revolved around the commitments of TWO people, not just one.

[R&R]

As everyone has said, keeping busy is the key. Our SO's, whether in the same house or thousands of miles away, should not have the responsibility of maintaining our mental well-being. We should be a whole person on our own and a relationship should add to that. I find that people who live with this thought process and are in LDR's are happier and the distance isn't such a factor for them

What did you do before the relationship? Who did you spend time with? What did you do for fun? Get back to those things. Re-connect with those people if you haven't talked to them in awhile. Make the time to meet new people or get involved in something new. You are responsible for you happiness and you can do this.