Why?

[erwin1973]

Hi everyone.

Didn't really know where to post it, so I posted it here...

First, if I did offend anyone, I am sorry. I don't mean to offend. Neither do I want to generalize. But I do have a question...

It's a question I think most men have about women. Again, I don't mean to generalize, but I hope some of the ladies here are able to help me - a stupid man :P - in understanding something.

Why is it, that (most) women say "I'm okay" when they are obviously anything but? Us men, simple as we are in our thinking (at least I am, hihi) don't understand why 'you' don't just adress the problem. Just curious to know, and I hope to learn why...

Thanks for understanding and answering.

Greets,
Erwin

[autumn1790]

I can't speak for all women, so I'll speak for myself. When I say I'm okay and I'm really not, it's generally for one of three reasons. 1) I'm trying to be okay and I don't want to burden him with my problem. 2) I need time on my own to process it, and I'm just not ready to talk about it. Or 3) (yes, this may seem petty, and I'm working on not doing this and being up-front) I need to feel like he cares enough to actually go deeper.
These are just my reasons...I can't speak for the lady in question. Might be best to ask her

[R&R]

For me, a few different reasons:
1. I've already talked it through with a friend and don't want to go over it again
2. There's nothing he can do about it, so if it's not directly impacting him, I don't want to "burden" him with it
3. I may still be trying to handle it on my own, knowing I can reach out to him if needed
4. I'm extremely independent and I'm used to relying on myself, so he's used to me handling a lot of things on my own

[C.C.]

I am usually really straightforward about how I feel, maybe a bit too much.
But when I do that, it's mostly because I feel something but I can't explain or sort it out properly with words and I need time to process it and find out what exactly is bothering me in the first place.

[Katy_G]

Reasons we ladies have:

1. We don't want to offend anyone or cause a fight
2. It's an important issue but we're trying to figure out the best way to phrase the matter so as to avoid confrontation
3. We're not ready to talk about it yet, if at all.
4. Because confrontation is not something we're ready for, and if there is another way to solve the problem besides meeting it head-on, we'd rather do that.

[Katy_G]

Reasons we ladies have:

1. We don't want to offend anyone or cause a fight
2. It's an important issue but we're trying to figure out the best way to phrase the matter so as to avoid confrontation
3. We're not ready to talk about it yet, if at all.
4. Because confrontation is not something we're ready for, and if there is another way to solve the problem besides meeting it head-on, we'd rather do that.

[80anthea]

I genuinely don't do this much to my SO, I'm usually very honest with him. The rare times I do it is because it's something I need to deal with on my own or don't want to worry him.

[erwin1973]

I genuinely don't do this much to my SO, I'm usually very honest with him. The rare times I do it is because it's something I need to deal with on my own or don't want to worry him.

That is what she said, too. We talked about it today, because for me it feels different... Like I'm not trustworthy or even feel being lied to (I hope you ladies understand that I try to say). I know that is my feeling and tat that is my problem, so we both explained to each other and try to work on it. I myself prefer her to say that there is something wrong but she is not ready to tell. On the other hand I promised Eve that I will stop pushing about it when I feel something is bothering her.

Seems like a nice compromise to me.

Yes, we feel each other. We feel each others mood and each others pain (headache included). That is quite exceptional, I guess...

Thanks al for your replies. I like to learn more.

[CanadianGirl]

I think everyone else answered this pretty well. I will say that being long distance makes all kinds of communication more difficult since you're missing out on a lot of other information (tone of voice, facial expressions, body language etc). I remember trying "I'm not really okay but I don't want to talk about it" while long distance and that's always freaked him out more haha. Sometimes being subtle is what people need.

We've been together in person for a while now and both my SO and I have used "I'm okay" when we're really not. It's pretty clear that one of us needs space and I think it's fine if he lets me read between the lines instead of having to spell it out for me.

[Honour]

I usually say "I'm okay" when I'm not because at that point in time, I don't really want to confront the issue. I usually confront it later on.

[hmrambling]

Perhaps you're dealing with a woman needs to learn better communication skills. If I don't want to talk about something, I usually say that I don't want to talk about something or that I don't want to go into it. For me, when anyone (regardless of gender) says they are okay I tend to believe them. If they are not okay, then they need to say so. People are not mind readers. And I am not a people fixer, so if anyone says they are okay, I will believe them. If they aren't okay, they need to communicate whatever it is that is going on or say that they don't want to talk about it. For me, it demonstrates poor communication skills when someone says that they are okay when in fact, they are not. I'll chalk it up to them not wanting to talk to me about it and will go on about my business.

[erwin1973]

@ CanadianGirl,

The personal space, that is something she mentioned... Could be exactly the point. The problem - if any - is that I want to talk it out right away and she falls silent. That means one of us has to do something the other wants... Usually me being nagging on, and after an hour she finally tells me. I'm not complaining, just trying to figure out how I can get myself to the point to leave it as it is, and wait until I am told.

@ Honour,

Thanks. That is what usually happens, only after a lot of talking from my side. May be it's a good idea to ask her what she want's me to do when she says "I'm okay" when I know she isn't. Might be a pretty good idea.

@HMRambling,

Possible. My lady has been without a man for over 11 years. She lives with her mother, 2 sisters, and two girls (and her father). It is possible she just needs to improve, but then, so do I, probably. I would like her to say that she is not okay, but that she doesn't want to talk about it at that moment. So I am going to tell her that next time, and I will try to let it go (that is one of my weak spots - I need to talk about it, I can't let it go before we did). Yes, we both have to work on that, I know. It's always two-sided, in my opinion. The point is, that we do feel each others emotion, so when she says she is okay and I feel she is not (and I have never been wrong in the past 8½ month we see each other) I know it's a lie. Or, it feels that way. But then again, I know I have to talk about it with her.

I just wanted to know if she was the only one doing that or not (although my ex was also like that, and left me figuring out what was wrong and why - that was even worse).

Thanks all for the insight in your opinions, I know what to do now, I think.

[hmrambling]

I also want to add that if I clearly communicate that I am okay, and I really genuinely mean it, then I do get perturbed when someone continues to ask if I'm okay.

[erwin1973]

I also want to add that if I clearly communicate that I am okay, and I really genuinely mean it, then I do get perturbed when someone continues to ask if I'm okay.

I can understand that. As I said, Evelyn and I feel each others mood, to such a length she can tell if I had breakfast yet or not. So when she says she is okay, and I feel she is, she is, and then it turns out to be that way. But when I feel she is not, then I try to figure out what is wrong, and I have ever been wrong with her that she was not okay while saying she was.

I hope you get wht I try to say

[Rezie]

When I do it:

1. I know I'm being childish so I don't want to turn it a thing
2. It's not something I want to talk about with them
3. I'm actually ok. It's just a weird day.
4. I want to process.

There is nothing more annoying that once I have said I'm ok and the other person keeps asking "are you sure?". In my personal opinion saying "im ok" is perfectly fine thing to say. If I was to say "i would rather not talk about this with you" I think that would give very wrong vibe. Saying "I'm ok" can mean that with the person it is ok. The right response from the partner is "that's good. But if it is something then I'm here for you" and then letting go.