Struggles, need advice :(

[Meraki435]

After being in a good working relationship for a year, my partner decided to move to his homecountry. We decided to have a LDR and after 10 months I would move in with him. We are already on month 5 now, but sadly things arent going how i want. In the beginning of the LDR we saw eachother every 3 weeks, because we had plenty of time and its only 5 hours with the train. But now he works fulltime and I have exams so we dont have that much time anymore. Also he isnt much of a caller/texter. He says he hates it, not just with me but in general. But we still manage to facetime once a week and have short calls in between, although it also happens that we dont talk for a whole day. This bothers me so much. Till last week i was fighting and discussing this with him and trying to explain that we need to communicate in order to keep connected. But i noticed that he just doesnt understand it and says that we know it works with us so we dont have to prove anything and just wait our time. So i decided to let go a bit and focus on myself instead, but i cant deny that its super frustrating, becayse i dont have the feeling that it will work out like this. Also yesterday we facetimed and talked about when we can meet eachother again, but because we are so busy, we decided not to meet in june but in july. However i suggested that although im busy, i can come for 2/3 days. So his reaction was that he doesnt want me to come because he works till 5/6 and that it stresses him knowing that im at his while he has to work and cant be there for me. Also he thinks that its his time to come because i went there for the last 2 times. He probably has good intentions while saying this but i cant help to think that he doesnt want to see me. It makes me feel that he is slowly stepping out of the ldr and when i try to communicate with him about this, he says that im obviously welcome but he thinks it would be better if we just wait and that we dont have to force it, but let it happen natural. I could see that the conversation was annoying him so i just let it go, but i wanted to know what you guys think of this, because my brain just cant understand him.

[R&R]

Welcome to LDR.

Figuring out the nuances of a LDR can take some time. You are in a good position because you have an end date. I can see both points of view on the matter of the visit. I can see you wanting to go but I can see how he feels as well. It's hard when you have to work the entire time your SO visitis. When my SO comes here, I take vacation. When I go see him, he doesn't take time off and he works 12-14 hour days. We're both okay with that because we at least get a little time together - but we've also gone 15 months between visits before; this time it will be 8 months since our last visit. If it's really stressing him out about it, then take a step back and try to look at it form his point of view. He feels guilty because he can't spend time with you and that will be stressful for him while he's at work.

As far at communicating -it's not so really how frequently you communicate but the quality of the communication. You can talk to someone every day and not really say anything or talk every few days and have a really good conversation. I honestly feel so many people that are new to LDR's feel "It must be this way or we aren't doing it right" or "If we don't talk every day and facetime every two days and text all through the day, something this wrong" and it really doesn't work that way.

When in a local relationship, do you talk every day with your SO? Probably not. Did it mean you weren't as commited? Not at all. LDR is just the same. Overthinking can kill a relationship. Take a deep breath, concentrate on the things you need to get done at home and don't let this overtake you.

[Meraki435]

Thank you so much.
Reading your reply made me realize not to stress so much about how much we call. I read everywhere on the internet that if you don't call every day in a LDR that you probably soon will break up. Then I freak out and start calling him and get upset when he can't talk. That's something I'm working on. It helps to read that others in a LDR also don't call every day and are still together.

[autumn1790]

Don't go by the Internet "recipe" for a LDR...go with what logically makes sense and works for you. I haven't called or video chatted with my guy for quite awhile because he's not in a place to do it right now...and we can't text all the time because of the time difference and work schedule. We aren't breaking up...