I am ruining this LDR

[wheneva14]

Hello, English is not my first language, please forgive me.

The short version of my story, we both officially got together mid April, and there were so many obstacle including shes 6 years older than me, has a good job and i have no job at all. But in the end, she promised to wait for me. May 12th i flew back to Canada alone for my school, and our LDR started.
It wasnt as easy as i thought, for a male i am very emotional, i got very depressed because of this. We skype every day, but because of my depression , im starting to be like a whining kid in front of her, and she doesnt laugh much anymore. I myself imagine a lot of thing, and i tell her what i think about, and i know its giving her so much pressure.
This missing feeling is getting me so depressed, and it makes me less talkative and talk about unhappy things, which will make her upset, then ill get more upset, then the depression gets worse.

What could i do? I know exactly if i keep this up, i will ruin this relationship and scare the love of my life away. I wish i could just be like my friends and dont care much about the other half, but i couldnt, and the more im afraid to lose my girlfriend, the more stupid things i do.

[Chris516]

Hello, English is not my first language, please forgive me.

The short version of my story, we both officially got together mid April, and there were so many obstacle including shes 6 years older than me, has a good job and i have no job at all. But in the end, she promised to wait for me. May 12th i flew back to Canada alone for my school, and our LDR started.
It wasnt as easy as i thought, for a male i am very emotional, i got very depressed because of this. We skype every day, but because of my depression , im starting to be like a whining kid in front of her, and she doesnt laugh much anymore. I myself imagine a lot of thing, and i tell her what i think about, and i know its giving her so much pressure.
This missing feeling is getting me so depressed, and it makes me less talkative and talk about unhappy things, which will make her upset, then ill get more upset, then the depression gets worse.

What could i do? I know exactly if i keep this up, i will ruin this relationship and scare the love of my life away. I wish i could just be like my friends and dont care much about the other half, but i couldnt, and the more im afraid to lose my girlfriend, the more stupid things i do.

I see no problem with your English.

You are better than your friends. While you only stated that your SO is 6yrs. older than you. You sound smarter than your years. Because you take the relationship more seriously and think it is more important. Than your friends' who have a lot of growing up to do.

[wheneva14]

I see no problem with your English.

You are better than your friends. While you only stated that your SO is 6yrs. older than you. You sound smarter than your years. Because you take the relationship more seriously and think it is more important. Than your friends' who have a lot of growing up to do.

Thanks for replying.
I won't say I'm mature, but i do love this girl very much, and planning to ask her to be my wife one day. And i really don't want to ruin it.
Everything was perfect when we were in the same location, but everything went south when i flew back to Canada, because of me, because of my emotions.
I understand where the problem is, but the hardest part is fixing it. No matter what i do, i miss her so much, I'm so attached.

[erwin1973]

I know it is difficult, especially after you have had time together. The trick is - and I can tell you not everyone is capable of an LDR - is to get on with your life as it was before you had an LDR. I don't say that you should forget about her, not at all! I am merely saying that at the moments you're not texting / camming whatever, keep busy. Get your mind of the 'missing'-thing and keep busy. That way, you can enjoy every second you spend together on cam / text. It won't be easy to offset your mind, but it is the only way. When you spend the whole day thinking 'I miss her so', then you will drive yourself insane (but reading your post, I think that is exactly why you posted).

I also see a few good things. First, you know you are doing something that might drive her away, and you even know what. That is very positive. Also you want to work on that, and you don't blame her for your mood, but yourself. That is positive too. I mean, that makes you very mature and wise (in my humble opinion, that is). What I try to say, is that you know what is going on and are willing to change it.

I gave a possible solution above.

Being attached is not the problem. The trick is getting the 'missing' off your mind and replacing that with the happiness in the knowledge she is waiting only for you. That requires a lot of work and will power.

I wish you good luck.

[differentcountries]

So, your LDR started very recently, you also recently yourself changed countries and started a new school. That is a lot of change in a short time

If you establish routines where you are, you will soon find out if it was just a temporary low mood or if it is something you need to work harder to fix. Be aware that there is something called post-visit blues that comes from separation or after a visit. If you can afford it, plan to visit each other. Even if you have to wait 6 months, that gives you a count down and something to look forward to.

You dont have to skype every day to keep in touch. Set aside time to do nice things for yourself. Be sure to eat well and to get your sleep, and be careful with coffee and alchohol. Dont ignore feeling sad, but also do things to make you happy.

[wheneva14]

I know it is difficult, especially after you have had time together. The trick is - and I can tell you not everyone is capable of an LDR - is to get on with your life as it was before you had an LDR. I don't say that you should forget about her, not at all! I am merely saying that at the moments you're not texting / camming whatever, keep busy. Get your mind of the 'missing'-thing and keep busy. That way, you can enjoy every second you spend together on cam / text. It won't be easy to offset your mind, but it is the only way. When you spend the whole day thinking 'I miss her so', then you will drive yourself insane (but reading your post, I think that is exactly why you posted).

I also see a few good things. First, you know you are doing something that might drive her away, and you even know what. That is very positive. Also you want to work on that, and you don't blame her for your mood, but yourself. That is positive too. I mean, that makes you very mature and wise (in my humble opinion, that is). What I try to say, is that you know what is going on and are willing to change it.

I gave a possible solution above.

Being attached is not the problem. The trick is getting the 'missing' off your mind and replacing that with the happiness in the knowledge she is waiting only for you. That requires a lot of work and will power.

I wish you good luck.

Yes, im really driving myself crazy. And im sure most people on here understands the missing feeling im suffering with. Recently ive been trying to fill up my time with random things, to try and not focus on this. But one major problem is i dont have much real friends, so most things i do alone. I keep telling myself shes waiting for me, but the "what if" thought always takes over. I try to fill up my time, but there is so much time per day.
And from time to time i will randomly get so depressed and dont know what to do.

Thank you for your kind words and advice, speaking out here actually made my day better.

[wheneva14]

So, your LDR started very recently, you also recently yourself changed countries and started a new school. That is a lot of change in a short time

If you establish routines where you are, you will soon find out if it was just a temporary low mood or if it is something you need to work harder to fix. Be aware that there is something called post-visit blues that comes from separation or after a visit. If you can afford it, plan to visit each other. Even if you have to wait 6 months, that gives you a count down and something to look forward to.

You dont have to skype every day to keep in touch. Set aside time to do nice things for yourself. Be sure to eat well and to get your sleep, and be careful with coffee and alchohol. Dont ignore feeling sad, but also do things to make you happy.

My whole family is in HongKong, and coming to Canada basically means all the important people in my life are half globe away, i guess that is one reason i am acting so weird. And if i really want to, i could go visit her right now, but i know that is not right. Im 26 years old, been trying to graduate a long time, and coming back to Canada this time, my goal is to graduate as soon as possible, so it is not right for me to risk failing in class, and end up staying in Canada longer. But she did mention about coming to visit me, but that topic went through pretty fast and i didnt bring it up again, because i feel like im giving her pressure to come visit me. So i am just praying it will happen.

But if we dont skype every day, i am afraid she will feel the connection between us will get very far apart, till she feels she doesnt really need me in her life. Im so worried about this and that, trying to do the perfect LDR, but right now its obviously far from perfect.

[erwin1973]

Yes, im really driving myself crazy. And im sure most people on here understands the missing feeling im suffering with. Recently ive been trying to fill up my time with random things, to try and not focus on this. But one major problem is i dont have much real friends, so most things i do alone. I keep telling myself shes waiting for me, but the "what if" thought always takes over. I try to fill up my time, but there is so much time per day.
And from time to time i will randomly get so depressed and dont know what to do.

Thank you for your kind words and advice, speaking out here actually made my day better.

Let me tell you a secret: I have only one friend. My parents don't approve with my LDR. Okay, I'm 44 and don't need their approval, but it would be nice. So, I am on my own, too. I can't talk to anybody about the great fortune I have found in my lady. Only with my sole friend. My first marriage was an LDR too, only it was 'just' 2,000 kms away (Amsterdam - Kiev), my lady now lives almost 11,000 kms away. The time difference we face is 6 or 7 (in winter) hours.

I am lucky to have quite a lot of hobbies. Of course there is always the lingering of thoughts around, and there should be. You're young.

You don't have to answer the question I ask you to me, but please answer it honestly to yourself: did you talk with your other half about how to make you feel more secure? Or are you just 'complaining'? I quoted that word on purpose, because I know most of us feel the same, basically, only most of us have that feelings under control.

Again, I want to compliment you that you know what is going on in your head, and that you are not afraid to voice it. Why don't you - for example - make a nice poem for her and send it (by post, for example). That might get your mind off the sadness and you're still busy for her. It's just an example. Don't try 'random things', try to do what you like or go sport, walk, bike, for example. Don't only try to get your mind off the sadness, but also keep your body busy.

What my lady and I do, is that we have fixed times we chat and cam - but I know we are in a luxuary position that we can.

I don't exactly know how to put it in words what I want to say, actually... May be try to talk to your gf about a solution in stead of about the problems. That will change your mind from being negative to positive.

I hope this all helps you.