Gf likes to take revenge on me

[h.rassy]

I am closing distance for my gf very soon - next month after a gruesome 3 year relationship online. I thought she would be more happy, talk more to me and show more love but she constantly blocks me, deletes me to teach me a lesson or to take revenge on me. We were chatting and it was past 12 her time and even though I told her in advance I would be busy, it didn't work. I replied to her text 30 minutes late (No, I don't always keep her waiting or respond to her late) and she blocked me and deleted me so I know how it feels to be ignored(words from her own mouth). This blocking me, deleting me has been increasing more and more lately. The last time this happened, I felt like she wanted to break up and I couldn't take it anymore and told her I want to breakup and she quickly added me back.

Sometimes she says things like... You made me wait for you for 3 years so you don't deserve to be happy and you should feel miserable. What does this behaviour mean? I feel like there's no love anymore because of the long wait and its killing me. Has she lost interest in me? I asked her if she wants to end this and she says she's just trying to teach me lesson. I feel like she's really immature but I don't know what to do. Everytime I talk to her, I fear of making a mistake and getting myself blocked for days.

[R&R]

Ok, I read this and no one deserves to be treated like this. I do not give this advice lightly. You need to end this relationship and get out now! This is not a relationship - this a dictatorship full of manipulation. Can you honestly want to live your life like this? Can you imagine raising children with a person like this? What happens when you move and you disagree - is she going to kick you out?

This is NOT love. A person does not treat the one the love in this manner. Again, end it, block her and be done. Don't move for her or I can guarantee you unhappiness.

[Allurial]

I can't tell you what she is thinking, but I can tell you that what she is doing to you is abusive and will only get worse. Abusive girlfriends don't just become good wives, they stay abusive. "Teaching you a lesson" Is neither fair nor something that should happen in a relationship, you should talk about your problems when they arise instead of acting out in such a manner. It's not immaturity its abuse, and it won't get better in person.

[autumn1790]

Agreed with the others. Get out now and don't look back. She's definitely immature. Picture her as your boss at work--would you continue to work at a place that fired you once a week for every mistake, only to hire you again and tell you they were teaching a lesson? Would you put up with not knowing when you'll get your next paycheck, or if you should even commute to work today?
I suppose you could put up with that job if it was the very last one on earth...but I guarantee, she's not the last girl on earth. Formally resign and never enter those doors again.
Best wishes to you!

[erwin1973]

Looks like my ex. And she is my ex for a reason. That reason (among some others). Just one adivce, as you have been given already: for your own sake, leave her, get over her, and be happy again. Don't get closer, that will only worsen things. It's not love, she's cruel to you. I have been in that situation after 5 years of marriage and let it continue for another 5 years. I can assure you: it's metally killing you.

[Lio]

I agree with all the posts above. She has a childish behaviour and this is going to make you feel hurt if you continue to let her doing this to you. I'd recommend you to stop any form of contact with her. This behaviour is a proof that she's not worth it.

[differentcountries]

Sometimes, in a long distance relationship, or really any relationship where there is distance and waiting, it can sometimes seem like the other person is "making" us feel pain, longing and insecurity. I struggle with this every summer when SO enters long season, and he will reply to my texts late and rather absent-minded. The difference is, during our 3, almost 4 years together we have talked this over many times and I simply feel bad, but still dont blame him for it. And that is why, I hope, one day SO and I can start the long process to close the distance. Because we can see that not all things that are painful is the fault of the other person.

And that is why I will very much advice against closing the distance with a person who acts impulsive and deletes you for as little a "transgression" as a 30 min wait on a text. You dont want to live in a foreign country with a person that acts this agressive and blames you for every discomfort she feels.

Unless she can somehow understand that what she is doing is very bad and finds a way to stop it, dont move any closer to this person. She is telling you how she reacts to stress, and so far your future looks very scary indeed.

[rache82]

Wow, ABUSE; She sounds extremely immature. Red flags. How is she going to be with you when you close the distance?

[Mims27]

Holy mind games! Get out of it now...
If she is behaving like this while long distance, can you imagine how she will be in person? It will be 10 times worse. This is totally manipulative and abusive. Not healthy AT ALL. There are no lessons to be taught here. You are not a child. She needs to respect you but she doesn't, at all. You are allowed to be busy and have a life that isn't revolved around her. If she gets mad because you don't reply right away, she's a little nuts. I'm not going to lie.

[hmrambling]

What does this behaviour mean?

It means that her behavior will not change just because you close the distance. Expect more of the same if you close the distance.

I come from the school of thought that we teach people how to treat us. By tolerating unacceptable behavior, you have taught her that it is okay to treat you like this. Therefore this behavior will continue. If I were you, I would make serious, firm boundaries around unacceptable behavior and follow through with consequences for unacceptable behavior. For instance, if I say a behavior is unacceptable to me and I will not tolerate it, then I need to name a consequence. If the consequence is that I no longer engage as long as my partner is behaving in an unacceptable manner, then I follow through with it. Dealing with behavior issues like this really does call for serious boundary setting. And no, I am not a fan of playing victim. This behavior did not just start, and you have to a degree accepted unacceptable behavior. Work on boundaries. Link to read about boundaries to protect yourself: https://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Stop blaming her and be part of the solution. Stop teaching her that it is acceptable to treat you like that. How we allow others to treat us is usually a direct reflection of our own self worth.

[Morwen]

I am closing distance for my gf very soon - next month after a gruesome 3 year relationship online.

You see what you wrote there? Your relationship these 3 years was "gruesome"? I read your other thread you posted as well. Please read what everyone else said above, and please do not move countries. I know it's easy to get caught up in "well I've invested 3 years into this" but please ask yourself-- would you rather get out of this now, or waste another 3, 6, +++ years in misery. After you've given up your life where you are now. Take care.