Feeling Insecure & Miserable

[maybesomeday]

56+ people viewed my post and only two people bothered to help. This forum is useless, whatever happened to it being a supportive and helpful community.

[R&R]

I apologise for the long post.

Today my SO, who I am meeting for the second time in two months, told me that two girls asked him out during his shift at work. One did the initiation, but the plan was to go out with the both of them for drinks and a night out. This was after my SO had already finished telling them that he wasn’t entirely single, as he was in a LDR. So even though they knew he was already taken, they still chose to ask him out. I found this to be disrespectful on their part; the way my SO described the situation, it felt like to me that they were meddling and trying to cause trouble. My SO almost tried defending her, by saying she was already in a relationship, as was the second girl. But it was clear to me that the initiator either isn’t happy, or simply doesn’t care enough about her partner, if she’s asking other men out. My SO said she could have been asking from a “friendship” perspective, but again I disagreed, as the way it all happened seemed more like a plan to be flirtatious and in turn cause trouble. Maybe they don't think an LDR is a serious relationship, and thought they had a chance. I know I wasn’t there physically to witness what happened specifically, but my SO was up front with how things had happened, and I developed my opinion that way.

My SO had said no, once he realised she was serious. After that, they stopped talking to him, which again shows their initial motives. I know deep inside my insecure mind that he has been loyal to me and done the right thing by me by declining her offer, but I still feel absolutely miserable that it happened. I knew this day would come, it was practically inevitable, and I thought I would deal with it the right way when it finally did happen, and really I didn’t handle it well at all.

At first I went a bit numb, almost careless towards the situation, until it finally set in and then I became emotional and actually quite angry. My SO kept assuring me that he’s loyal and has no interest in any other girl, but none of that was sinking into my head. All I could think about was that every day he has to work with these two girls, and he has already told me he won’t stop talking to them just because they’ve asked him out and he has declined. Which I was hurt by, as I felt like he should avoid them as much as it is possible in the work place. Though I do understand, in the small rational side of my brain, that he can still talk to them and still be loyal to me. But my insecurity overrides all that, and I started taking the situation out on him as if it was his fault.

I’ve never been in this situation before and I have/had no idea how to handle it, I just know my emotions took over and my rationality was lost. I became jealous and insecure and started predicting the future; that they would eventually woo him and he’ll leave me, that they’ll ask him out again and he’ll say yes this time, etc. Just making up scenarios in my head, and then almost convincing myself that they are destined to happen. I asked if he found them attractive, and he said “Not particularly. Just average looking.” Which made me feel worse, even though it shouldn’t have. I told him I felt uncomfortable about it all, that I now had to sit at home every day when he went off to work, and worry what could be happening or being said. He said I need to learn and accept that he is loyal to me and that I should trust him, but it’s hard when he’s already admitted he’ll keep interacting with these girls. And I can’t trust them, I can’t trust what they would do or say next. I’m here and they’re there, I can’t do anything.

What if he is loyal now, but these girls, or any other girls, convince him to go out? He’ll have betrayed that loyalty and he’s not going to tell me anything then. He won’t be upfront if he knows he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. I’m not there, so I’d never know. I know this is the insecure part of my brain, but it’s currently ruling everything at the moment. I’ve spent all day over-analysing the entire situation, wishing I had been there, wondering how much my SO really contributed to their conversation at the time, wondering if he felt nice receiving that kind of attention, worrying that he enjoyed it a little too much to be asked out by two women, worrying how far his loyalty goes and how long it’ll last. Basically I’m worrying about anything and everything and I’ve driven myself insane.

I almost feel like I need to step back, because I could never compete with women who are physically there in front of him. Almost like I wanna allow him to say yes to these women, because they are now taking an interest in him, noticing how amazing he is, and I should let him experience it. I feel like I’m no longer enough for him, now that other women have finally noticed how desirable he is. It’s not just me anymore.

I know that the problem is more to do with myself. I obviously don’t believe I’m good enough for him now, and it’s now clear to us both that there are other options out there, when he once believed it was unlikely women would want to ask him out. Well the moment has come, and I do not know how to handle it appropriately. I’m letting my negative emotions rule everything and I know it’s going to make my SO feel terrible too. I don’t want that, but I don’t know any other way in dealing with this.

I’m already feeling sensitive right now, so I would appreciate it if people weren’t rude or harshly blunt in responding to this post; I know my faults already. I would just really love some advice on the situation, on how to deal with it any better, and if anyone can relate or has experienced the same situation.

Thank you.

There are always going to be other people out there who find our SO's attractive - after all, you did too. The same is in reverse, others will find you attractive too. Some people have no respect for boundries. That's where your SO sets that line, which he clearly did. He communicated to you about the situation as he finds it important to be up front and honest with you. He can't control how other people approach him, he can only control his responses to those situations.

Whether you live thousands of miles apart or in the same house, your SO may have people approach him. I mean, how many relationships have broken up due to infidelity even when they were living together or married? No one can steal your SO - he'd only leave if he wanted to. We can spend all of our relationships worrying about "what-if" or we can trust our SO's, just as they trust us, and be happy in our relationship. He trusted you enough to tell you. If you want him to continue to communicate with you and not hide situations from you, then you will have to take this for what it was and not then create a fantasy of "what-ifs" and ruin what is a good relationship.

[maybesomeday]

There are always going to be other people out there who find our SO's attractive - after all, you did too. The same is in reverse, others will find you attractive too. Some people have no respect for boundries. That's where your SO sets that line, which he clearly did. He communicated to you about the situation as he finds it important to be up front and honest with you. He can't control how other people approach him, he can only control his responses to those situations.

Whether you live thousands of miles apart or in the same house, your SO may have people approach him. I mean, how many relationships have broken up due to infidelity even when they were living together or married? No one can steal your SO - he'd only leave if he wanted to. We can spend all of our relationships worrying about "what-if" or we can trust our SO's, just as they trust us, and be happy in our relationship. He trusted you enough to tell you. If you want him to continue to communicate with you and not hide situations from you, then you will have to take this for what it was and not then create a fantasy of "what-ifs" and ruin what is a good relationship.

Thanks for actually helping and offering advice, I do agree with everything you've said and I will try to work on my insecurity. Beside one other person agreeing with you, no one else bothered to help so I've removed the original post. But I appreciate you reading it and taking the time to help.

[erwin1973]

56+ people viewed my post and only two people bothered to help. This forum is useless, whatever happened to it being a supportive and helpful community.

So you expect everybody to tumble over each other to help you? With that attitude? Sorry, but you don't deserve help when you act like that.

And for crying out loud, come on... Your post hasn't been online for 24 hours? You act like a spoiled brad.

Keep feeling miserable and insecure.

[maybesomeday]

So you expect everybody to tumble over each other to help you? With that attitude? Sorry, but you don't deserve help when you act like that.

And for crying out loud, come on... Your post hasn't been online for 24 hours? You act like a spoiled brad.

Keep feeling miserable and insecure.

Excuse me? No, I don't expect people to "tumble over each other" to help me. But I expect more than one person to offer their help, considering this is meant to be a community who help each other. So settle down love, and quit being rude. You don't know me from a bar of soap.

[Redheart14]

56+ people viewed my post and only two people bothered to help. This forum is useless, whatever happened to it being a supportive and helpful community.

a lot of people who view things aren't always members, I've found that to be the case when I've posted things.

[maybesomeday]

a lot of people who view things aren't always members, I've found that to be the case when I've posted things.

I see. I hadn't realised, I thought the view count consisted of members.

[Honour]

This isn't the first time I've seen you being rude/abrasive towards members on the forums, OP. Maybe if you didn't act the way you do, more people would feel inclined to help. And just because it says "x" number of views, doesn't mean that's the case. I've seen it happen on my own posts when I've posted in the past, so I'm in agreement with Red.

[maybesomeday]

This isn't the first time I've seen you being rude/abrasive towards members on the forums, OP. Maybe if you didn't act the way you do, more people would feel inclined to help. And just because it says "x" number of views, doesn't mean that's the case. I've seen it happen on my own posts when I've posted in the past, so I'm in agreement with Red.

Rarely post here, so you're entirely wrong. When I do, most of my posts have been about helping other people. Personalised posts I obviously get more personal with my responses. Not rude. Not abrasive. You don't know me, so I'd appreciate it if you just didn't comment at all. And maybe you should look up above at the person who called me a spoiled brat and to keep being insecure and miserable; that's the definition of rude, actually. Cheers.

[erwin1973]

'nuff said. I guess I better meet some soap then, if you don't mind. And if you do, your problem. There is a difference between being rude and being honest. Your view to remove your question within 24 hours, that tells me enough how you are, including the way you respond.
And I didn't call you a spoiled brat. I said you act like one. Learn to read, too, please.
I wish you good luck and I hope for you that you find the help you need.
Wish you a good day.

By the way, I am not your love, and that person does have a name. Thank you.

[R&R]

56+ people viewed my post and only two people bothered to help. This forum is useless, whatever happened to it being a supportive and helpful community.

I know a lot of people have addressed this. For me, I may read a post and really not have an experience in the matter (especially when it has to do with the ins and outs of the Visa process), so I just don't say anything.

Also, if I don't think I can form a good response even though I have an an answer, I also may not post right away. How I respond to people on here compared to how I respond to friends or my daughters is HUGE. I'm much more blunt and I don't sugar coat with them. They know me and know how I respond, while people on here who don't know me may get all offended and not pay any attention to the advice given if I just said what I thought, exactly as it originally popped into my head.

[Moon]

This thread is hilarious.

[Michelle]

56+ people viewed my post and only two people bothered to help. This forum is useless, whatever happened to it being a supportive and helpful community.

This is blatant abuse of the editing feature.

I will restate what others have said:
1. Many views are from guests.
2. Not everyone can relate to your situation and give advice.

If you actually want support and advice, give it more than 24 hours.

[Honour]

Rarely post here, so you're entirely wrong. When I do, most of my posts have been about helping other people. Personalised posts I obviously get more personal with my responses. Not rude. Not abrasive. You don't know me, so I'd appreciate it if you just didn't comment at all. And maybe you should look up above at the person who called me a spoiled brat and to keep being insecure and miserable; that's the definition of rude, actually. Cheers.

No, I don't know you. Quite frankly, I'm rather glad I don't. And erwin was being truthful, sorry you don't like the truth being told to you. And I don't see where it says I shouldn't comment. You shouldn't put ridiculous tantrums of forum responses if you want honest advice and expect people to take you seriously.

[erwin1973]

No, I don't know you. Quite frankly, I'm rather glad I don't. And erwin was being truthful, sorry you don't like the truth being told to you. And I don't see where it says I shouldn't comment. You shouldn't put ridiculous tantrums of forum responses if you want honest advice and expect people to take you seriously.

Some people don't want to hear the truth, they only want to hear they are right, or want to be pampered. Sadly for those people, that is not how the world works.
Where is Sasad? I would love to see her opinion on this.