Should I just forget him?

[IcequeenB]

Hi,

I met my ldr bf online 3 months ago. He is from US, but has family here (UK) and visits every year. He also planon moving here.

We were planning on meeting for the first time later this year. I am very guarded and try to hide my emotions. Which I think is what caused him to leave. Last time we spoke I was rather critical of him. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head I just think if i don't show him all of me, then he cannot hurt me. So I only show him my mean side.

After our final phone call. I decided to take a break and log out of all my social media accounts. After a week I logged back in and found that he had deleted me.

I do not know if he just got fed up of my mean ways, or if he just was never that interested in me. Normally I would just move on, but I feel that perhaps I treated him badly. Also he was adopted and has abandonment issues, so maybe he felt I was losing interest and decided to beat me to it. Who knows.

Anyway I would like to hear outsiders points of view and advice.

Thank you so much for reading. X

[Moon]

Very simply put...if you're mean to people, they leave you. Nobody, not even you, is worth that kind of misery. Let it be a lesson to you, don't be a dick and treat people as you'd like to be treated, and don't play stupid games. Follow my advice and you'll find your love life dramatically improving, it's NOT OK to be mean to people

[Harlequin]

What did you think was going to happen by being mean to him? Do him a favor and forget about him, and tbh I wouldn't consider another relationship again until I was mature enough to handle one.

"It doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head I just think if i don't show him all of me, then he cannot hurt me. So I only show him my mean side. " is the mentality of someone too immature to form meaningful bonds with other people. This sort of mentality will do nothing but destroy relationships and make people not want to associate with you.

[erwin1973]

I once had a best friend who I could talk with about everything. And I mean everything. She kept me in the friendzone, what annoyed me a bit, but we had good times when we were together. And we were together a lot. Until I felt she started using me. I let it happen for a while, because she was going through a rough time. Then I had enough, and I got quite a rant over me. She accused me from everything that went wrong, everything was my fault. Had she said sorry instead of telling me off, there might have been a big chance of keeping the friendship intact. Now, I broke all comminication with her. She contacted me since about 5 times. Last time she did - about 4 months ago - I called the police to see if it was stalking. They said it was.

Push come to shove: you actually got what you were asking for. With not being honest with him, you made him loose interest, and with being mean to him, you pushed him over the edge. You lost him, you made you loose him.

I agree with Moon and Harlequin. Learn from this, and work on yourself. I have no idea how old you are, but your behaviour is far from mature. Sorry to say so.

[differentcountries]

"It doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head I just think if i don't show him all of me, then he cannot hurt me. So I only show him my mean side. "

It makes a whole lot of sense. You have probably experienced things that makes it hard for you to trust other people and their intentions. You may even have issues that you struggle with and you want to make sure that they can take the heat. You are hoping that they will weather the storm and once it is over, you can feel free to be vounerable because you are sure they will never leave or hurt you.

The problem is this; is does not work like that. What will happen insteda is that kind, empatheic people are going to get very hurt and try to protect themselves by distancing themselves from you. You are literally hurting them, and you excuse is that you dont want to get hurt. Maybe they in turn risk hurting or at least closing up on people. I am sure you see the destructive cycle going on here.

The only way you can be close to someone, is to be vounerable. This is the one, scary truth. People can judge or leave you, that is a real possability. The problem is that you are scaring off anyone who would be interested in helping you work through your troubles. You want an easy way to love, but that is not possible.

If you cant easily open up, try at least not to hurt. Other people also have feelings. It is not just you.

Even if you should meet someone who are super patient with you even when you are mean, you risk that your critisism backfires. If picking on the other person is the norm, it may turn around and you may by accident have taught your bf to treat YOU like shit. There is no happy ending scenario in any of this.

You really need to work on yourself, or things could end very badly for you.

[snow]

The thing that stuck out to me was:

Also he was adopted and has abandonment issues

- which you know, and you still left him without contact for a week. That's just vicious.

[IcequeenB]

Hi,

I met my ldr bf online 3 months ago. He is from US, but has family here (UK) and visits every year. He also planon moving here.

We were planning on meeting for the first time later this year. I am very guarded and try to hide my emotions. Which I think is what caused him to leave. Last time we spoke I was rather critical of him. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but in my head I just think if i don't show him all of me, then he cannot hurt me. So I only show him my mean side.

After our final phone call. I decided to take a break and log out of all my social media accounts. After a week I logged back in and found that he had deleted me.

I do not know if he just got fed up of my mean ways, or if he just was never that interested in me. Normally I would just move on, but I feel that perhaps I treated him badly. Also he was adopted and has abandonment issues, so maybe he felt I was losing interest and decided to beat me to it. Who knows.

Anyway I would like to hear outsiders points of view and advice.

Thank you so much for reading. X

I researched him extensively. Turns out he is married. Thank Christ I trusted my intuition and never gave in.

Thank you for your responses.