Conflicted

[TMootrey]

Hello everyone,

I wrote here last year about an issue I faced regarding my parents apprehension about visiting my SO. Well, the visit didn't happen last year due to other circumstances, so we planned another visit incoming summer. Not much has changed apparently with how my parents view me traveling alone. I'm 25 and I live with them due to financial issues with myself and them. I am not a parent but I can understand their safety concerns. I would be staying with my SO's family and they also offered to pay for my flight. One thing I do not understand is how they view my SO and his family as almost complete strangers despite having FaceTimed numerous times. (My parents even met and chatted with his parents several times) They say they do not understand why they would pay for my flight as well as let me stay with them, with me being an opposed 'stranger'. How am I to further my relationship and get to personally know my SO and his family, if I can never meet them. The visit was to be in mid August but now it's very much up in the air. I know my SO is very disappointed and hurt and I'm struggling very much myself. I do not want to risk going and returning back to a family who shuns and ignores me. Any help or advice would ge greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[R&R]

There comes a time when parents have to let go. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but sometimes the child does have to take that first step away. Maybe showing them it can work is the only way to ptove it to them. I doubt they will shun you when you get back - they are concerned for their child and her safety. It doesn't matter how old you are - we always see our kids as kids and needing protection.

It's time to tell them that they need to trust the job that they did in raising you and allow you the freedom of making an adult decision. You should be able to have this conversation without worries of ramifications. If you parents love you, though they may be nervous about your visit, they will still support you and they will love you.

[Puramu]

Would it be better if he come visit you? It might not be perfect but it would be a chance for your parents to really meet him and think less of him as a stranger. I live with my mom and I know how frustrating it can be to have childish rules when you're an adult. From experience, having her actually meet him on the first visit made her more comfortable about me going away to another country in future visits.

[TMootrey]

Update: Had a conversation with my mother and she expressed everything she is worried about regarding the trip. She is not as upset or as angry as I thought she was. She said she would never give me permission to go in case something happened to me. Still unsure what to do though. Would feel very guilty if I went while my parents are so worried :/ Thanks for your replies everyone!

[C.C.]

Sometimes you have to take your life in your hands.

It's understandable that they are worried but you are an adult and you can take care of yourself. Neither they or you can ever be sure that this trip will go 100% well, but what they need to trust is that you'll handle any emergencies properly, that you'll be ready in case things don't go well and that some possible negative outcomes are worth it because this is really important for you and your happiness.

You can never assure your parents that everything in your life will be alright, nor they will ever stop worrying altogether. But trusting your abilities to handle things even when they aren't alright and realising that they can't actively involve themselves anymore (they can't tell you what to do and vise verca) and that this is YOUR life now is important.

[snow]

I tell this story over and over again. My parents were terrified when I went for my first flight to the US by myself. They told me if I did, they would disown me. They tried EVERYTHING to keep me here and I understand that they were just worried this older man would kidnap me and they would never see me, but I just did.
I was 23 at the time, I paid for the flight myself and I found a way to the airport by myself. It sucked, I would have loved to have my parents with me on something so strange and new for me, but I knew if i wanted them to treat me like an adult, I had to act like one and take matters in my own hands.

What you can, and should, do is to keep communication open on your trip - log into the airport's wifi to show them you're safe, call them when you land, send pictures as much as you can. If they are only worried about your safety, then showing them you are safe is all you can do.

[Moon]

I'm glad you don't want to do things that make your parents worry, you're a good daughter But, I'm the mom of a 28 year old daughter, and you need to understand that we always worry about our adult kids, it's just what we do. If my kid aid she was driving to a friends house during a nasty storm, I'd worry. If she was taking a solo trip, I'd worry about her. She is in the process of buying a house, and I worry that there could be issues with it, or that it'll fall through on her. Whenever she's in some kind of stressful situation, I worry about her. I'm supposed to, I'm her mom!

So yeah, we worry. But you need to go anyway. Your parents can worry, they will no matter what, but you cannot let that control what you do with your adult life. You need to go, you have to start living your life for yourself, and how you want to steer it. Your parents will have to get over it, and stop making it harder on you. There is no need for guilt, what you're doing is normal, you aren't doing anything wrong, so make your arrangements and go as soon as you can. It's time to establish adult independence.

Also, look at my profile and see how stupidly old I am. Guess what? My mom is STILL worried about me all the time! I haven't lived at home in more than 20 years, but my parents still worry. When I travel, I still need to send that text that says I made it there OK. Its annoying, but at the same time, I guess I'm glad somebody is worried about me

Just go, and have a good trip.