Will you stay in your LDR even if you are not happy anymore?

[inday101]

They say love is a choice. I'm not hapy coz he barely gives time for me which I try my best to understand. He got work and he's kind of alone. So he can only count on himself. I'm not happy but I'm still staying in this relationship. It's normal right? Coz what will happen in all relationships if one is not happy then leave? No one will be together anymore right?

[kittyo9]

Well, no, it's not "normal," and it shouldn't be "normal." There is a third option that seems to have escaped analysis: address the problem. Tell your SO that the relationship isn't making you happy right now, and explain why. You guys are a team and you need to be able to tackle your issues together.

Love is, in part, a choice, but it doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) a choice to be miserable. People maintain unhappy relationships by staying in the relationship without addressing the things that make them unhappy about it. People maintain happy relationships by addressing problems in the relationship and coming up with solutions as a team. If you cannot come up with a solution, then you should consider ending the relationship (this is what often results in "irreconcilable differences" in divorces). It's nothing to be ashamed of-- sometimes relationships just don't work out, for whatever reason.

[erwin1973]

Let me ask you, OP: "Why would you want to be in a relationship that does make you unhappy?"

If you are unhappy and stay in the relationship that makes you unhappy, that is a choice. Leaving is a choice too. Why would there be nobody in a relationship if everybody who was unhappy, left his or her partner? That is quite a negative analysis and I don't agree. It is your choice to stay unhappy with your partner, or figure out what is wrong, communicate about it and find out if it improves, or leave. Either one of these three are the options you have, and you are clearing choosing for the first one. Why, do you like to be unhappy?

When you decide to do nothing, the unhappiness is absolutely not the fault of your partner, at least not more than 50%. So either:
1. you do nothing and stay unhappy
2. you talk about it and see if things improve
3. call it a day.

Having a disagreement (I think that is what you mean by 'if everyone left when being unhappy there won't be any couples any more') is something quite different then being unhappy. Figure that one out.

[inday101]

My partner says he's just busy and does not have enough time for me.

I'm staying coz I'm hopeful that he'll have time for me soon.

The problem is we don't have much to talk about. Plus he says he doesn't like talking much.

If I ask for his time for us to talk and catch Up, we might not have things to talk about. I'm afraid he'll get mad that I'm asking for time to talk and then when we're on the phone I barely have anything to say. He says that I have to understand that he can't be my everyday boyfriend that there is a limit to what he can do and how mich we talk coz of time difference. I told him I'm willing to sacrifice my sleep. He didn't respond.

I'm sorry if it seems I'm too stubborn.

[differentcountries]

I take it that you are in an international relationship with some time difference. Perhaps you dont see each other that often since tickets are expensive. If you are going to have long talks, one or both of you have to sacrifice sleep.

Yes, sacrificing sleep sometimes is the price of an international LDR, but if you dont sleep enough, or contantly go to bed very late, it may inflict in your health. We Skype seldom because my SO works until after past my midnight and then he is tired and if we are going to do it, I have to go to bed very late and it may lead me to develop sleep problems. We do it sometimes. But mostly, if we are both awake, we will text or send each other pictures.

You say there is little to talk about, and that he is not keen on talking anyway. Well, there is always something to talk about, but if he is introvert he might get overwealmed and are not that into smalltalk. But you can mention what happens in your day, or what you are thinking about these days (plans, hopes, dreams). You can make jokes - do you have anything a bit funny between you, jokes you used to make? For instance, my joke is that I will build a teleporter to get SO here. SOs joke is that he will have to go to hospital with diabetes because I am too sweet. Some people like to watch tv shows together. We often just do long sessions of "I miss you". It is not "talking", but it is like a mental hug. Like, if he was there I would snuggle up to him. But he is not, so missing-talk is what we have and it soothes us from the pain of being apart.

Is it possible for him to set aside a set time, or that your ambition is to have for instance a weekly Skype session? Maybe you can initiate things to talk about. It can be something small - I often talk to him about animals (we both love them, and I am getting a cat next month). It can also be reminicing things you did when you were together on visits, plans for the future, questions about each other (100 questions for lovers etc).

Of course, he has to do his share to keep in touch, and he IS your "everyday boyfriend" (I talk to my SO every single day, even if we dont Skype he always has time for a few texts or a few minute phone call). It is just that between your time difference and your different jobs/studies/what you do, you have to find a form of keeping in touch that works for you. I will suggest that the two of you try to be social and have activities where you are, then it is also more interesting to talk about what you do.

[autumn1790]

Seems to me he's not interested in being in a committed relationship--he doesn't *want* (not can't) to be your "everyday boyfriend." I'm also wondering how many other girls he's spending time with (a huge assumption here, but quite possible). You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who actually values you and wants and works to spend time with you. In my opinion, if someone is ever afraid that saying something to their partner will make them mad, especially something as simple as asking for time together, it is a huge red flag and that person should seriously reconsider why they are in a relationship with this person. Unless he's in the military or something that actually demands his time 24/7; but still, he should be happily willing to make effort to have time for you. And the fact he doesn't care you lose sleep for him shows he doesn't value you.
You aren't happy. It doesn't have to be like that. Value yourself; don't settle for a relationship that sucks just so you don't have the label "single." Don't hold on to someone who doesn't hold on back. People are happily together when the relationship is mutually beneficial and mutually worked for. Don't settle for anything less.
I'm sorry if this post really rambles and doesn't make sense. I really wish you the best and hope you have the strength to face whatever the future brings. Best of luck!

[Theurgist]

Ever since I started dating my SO from across the pond (aka the North Atlantic Ocean) I have kept on crunching on the same question: why do I want to be with her? Rational, logical, emotional, lustful thoughts. All sorts of thoughts without discrimination. I do this as a conscious decision, but also because she inspires me. She makes my creative energies flow unlike anyone else. It still takes time and effort every time I do it. It's a lot of effort, but I am rewarded for my efforts.

[erwin1973]

My partner says he's just busy and does not have enough time for me.

That might be possible especially with a big time diffence. Being over 8,000 miles apart, I figure your boyfriend is somewhere in the west of Russia or in the Middle East or so. Any way, there's weekends too and you can't get me to believe he's working 7 days a week. And then, there's planning. Even with a 12 hour time difference, there is always a solution.

I'm staying coz I'm hopeful that he'll have time for me soon.

If you don't ask him, he'll never know. And if you don'communicate, nothing will change.

The problem is we don't have much to talk about. Plus he says he doesn't like talking much.

So let me get this straight... you are in a relationship for over 1½ year, and you don't know what to talk about? Why don't I understand that? You have absolutely nothing in common, then?

If I ask for his time for us to talk and catch Up, we might not have things to talk about. I'm afraid he'll get mad that I'm asking for time to talk and then when we're on the phone I barely have anything to say.

Again, you complain that you never talk with him, and then you say that if you do have time to talk with him, you don't know what to talk about? Strange, in my opinion. Then either don't complain that you don't talk (for there is nothing to talk about, you say) or talk to him and find something to talk about. You know him for about 19 month and you don't even know him well enough to know if he will get angry with you when you ask him to make time for you, who are his girlfriend? I really don't understand what kind of relationship you are in, sorry if I am harsh.

He says that I have to understand that he can't be my everyday boyfriend that there is a limit to what he can do and how mich we talk coz of time difference. I told him I'm willing to sacrifice my sleep. He didn't respond.

Wait. Wait a moment... He can't be your everyday boyfriend? What are you then? Part time couple? Only when he's interested or needs you? Only when he feels like it? How do I interprete that? As couple you should both find time for each other, and you're a couple or you're not. I have a time difference with my lady, 6 or 7 hours (depending on the time of the year). I sacrifice my sleep at night and wake up later in the morning. I do that for her. And he didn't say that he's fine by you staying up late to talk with him? Mm...

I'm sorry if it seems I'm too stubborn.

All of this sounds like rubbish to me, like you try to justify everything you say, or he says. According to me, when I focus on the information you give here, you don't know him at all, have nothing in common, and are willing to play a victim to his behaviour.

My conclusion: I'm flabbergasted.

[differentcountries]

There may not be weekends, too.

Depending on the country, a 7 days work week outside of government jobs is entirely possible. My My SO works for a serious private company and he works every single day, no weekends off, as a rule. This work rythm is not shady stuff like it would have been in the Philipines, it is entirely legal and quite regular for private companies in Turkey. A lot of Turkish people "live" on their job, work daily 10-14 hours, and bring their kids there (or in my case, their girlfriend).