LDR Communicating: How Much Is Too Much?

[mjbf35018]

Hello all! I am a first-timer in a long distance relationship who is madly in-love with my partner of about 9 months. He and I met in college...but now I have graduated and he still has two years left until he enters the "real world" with me. Once the school year starts again we will only be an hour apart, but for now we are on separate sides of the state
He and I have had our ups and downs, as any couple does, but have remained loyal and strong.

But, right now, the worry that continues to make me anxious is our rate of communication. I know that I like texting, calling, video chatting, etc. a lot more than he does. We've talked about how much he wants to communicate when we are not together, and he has not expressed any strong feelings about our communication patterns. Right now we text at least 3 times a day, normally at night, but I've found that I still get very worked up when he does not answer my messages right away. I've also noticed that I tend to be the one doing most of the initiating and I worry that I am becoming too clingy. My partner is very affectionate and kind and wants me to be happy, so he is very good about responding to my messages ASAP and telling me openly when he will be busy and will not be responding. I try to give him space because his previous long distance relationship ended horribly (his ex was very controlling and never gave him space). I try to keep this in-mind by giving him distance, but I worry because I get very depressed and sad if I don't talk with him as much as possible.

Basically, I'm in an internal battle...so I was wondering how often other LDR couples text, call, etc. I was also hoping for some pointers with dealing with distance...how do you guys deal with lack of communication with your significant other? Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you so much!

[differentcountries]

There is no set standard for what is too much or little. However it seems most are in contact about daily, at least if they have acess to phones or computers.

For us, the biggest influence on our contact is his job. His hours plus an hour time difference makes it hard to be in contact during the week, especially when I start working again. His hours used to upset me, but but now I am used to his ryrthm, and also used to his job taking priority. Sometimes we stay up late to talk or Skype, but we cant do that often.

We try to visit as often as we can, which right now is not that often, but we talk about visits a lot.

I never expect my SO to answer to a text right away. If I want to talk to him I post a "feeler" to check if he is available. In the past we used to set aside time to talk, but with his work life being what it is, I see no point. We actually made a promise last visit to not make solid appointments, because if his job says jump he has to jump.

I sometimes need my SO extra and then I will let him know. But I also have other things in my life. I get nervous if I dont hear from him in 24-48 hours, and he will too, usually when it happens one of us is either very tired or there is something wrong with the phone. Also, I get nervous when he travels. We are usually in close contact on travels, if possible.

What helped me a lot in the beginning, was to do DIY-projects. It helped me focus on other things besides him.

[R&R]

Hello all! I am a first-timer in a long distance relationship who is madly in-love with my partner of about 9 months. He and I met in college...but now I have graduated and he still has two years left until he enters the "real world" with me. Once the school year starts again we will only be an hour apart, but for now we are on separate sides of the state
He and I have had our ups and downs, as any couple does, but have remained loyal and strong.

But, right now, the worry that continues to make me anxious is our rate of communication. I know that I like texting, calling, video chatting, etc. a lot more than he does. We've talked about how much he wants to communicate when we are not together, and he has not expressed any strong feelings about our communication patterns. Right now we text at least 3 times a day, normally at night, but I've found that I still get very worked up when he does not answer my messages right away. I've also noticed that I tend to be the one doing most of the initiating and I worry that I am becoming too clingy. My partner is very affectionate and kind and wants me to be happy, so he is very good about responding to my messages ASAP and telling me openly when he will be busy and will not be responding. I try to give him space because his previous long distance relationship ended horribly (his ex was very controlling and never gave him space). I try to keep this in-mind by giving him distance, but I worry because I get very depressed and sad if I don't talk with him as much as possible.

Basically, I'm in an internal battle...so I was wondering how often other LDR couples text, call, etc. I was also hoping for some pointers with dealing with distance...how do you guys deal with lack of communication with your significant other? Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you so much!

Welcome to LFAD.

I am going to say this nicely but firmly - start living your own life. You need to be 100% happy with your life choices, your goals and to be able to live as an individual and THEN the relationship comes into play. Being depressed because you don't communicate "as much as possible", that is a problem and that's not healthy for you.

Your SO communicates with you, advises you when he will be busy and sounds to be very considerate. He also seems to be able to put the relationship in perspective in relation to all aspects of his life.

My SO and I used to talk quite a bit. Today, I haven't heard from him at all. No call, text, snapchat - nothing. I know he's been working hard and we'll probably talk tomorrow. I was busy doing my own thing today too. We appreciate each other, love each other and are committed to each other. However, we are also individuals and if we don't talk for a day - it doesn't mean that we're any less committed to each other or there is something wrong - it just means that we had other things going on.

[mjbf35018]

Differentcountries, thank you so much for your advise and your personal story! I am trying to focus on getting more in-shape which helps to distract me from the lack of communication.

I also really relate to your story on how hard your SO is working! My boyfriend just got a summer job for five days a week counseling little children at a day camp, so he gets very tired from chasing those little ones around all day! It feels great to know I'm not the only one going through these trials.

A follow up question: I've found that I struggle more when I don't know where he is. For example, I know today he was visiting an old friend, and I didn't feel as bad for our lack of communication because I knew he was enjoying himself and having fun with some of his other loved ones. When he simply doesn't answer my texts and doesn't offer an explanation, I get worried that he is sad or anxious or cranky (he tends to suffer from mood swing). How would you suggest dealing with this uncertainty?

[rache82]

Exactly. There's no wrong or right answer here. It all depends on work commitments etc. My SO is inbetween jobs right now, so I call him when I wake up and we talk until I get to work, then I call him throughout the day during my breaks.
We only text occasionally to say "good morning" and "night".
However of course if he were to get a job before he immigrated out here, our communication frequency would diminish obviously.
Hard situation though when one is more keen than the other.
Best of luck!

[Theurgist]

My opinion on the topic mirrors what R&R said above, so I'll continue on from there.

There's also the possibility that you lack the proper kind of quality time together, which leads to anxiety and/or frustration as you are left unfulfilled by your daily communication. Think about the question this way: what is the most satisfying way of communicating with your SO? To me it is long, in-depth emails where I pour out my emotions and thoughts to my SO and to her it is video calls, so we try to accommodate one another's needs.

Having said that it's my opinion that obsessing over another person's whereabouts, comings and goings is unhealthy behavior in any relationship. At that point it doesn't matter whether your are a mile or a thousand miles apart, because you are now constantly keeping tabs on what your SO is doing. This can lead to a situation where you start resenting your SO for spending less time on you than on other people. It can also trigger behavior, whereby you feel like you need more frequent communication from your SO, because otherwise you are left to your own devices. And that's when your mind starts coming up with all sorts of false realities (see also Plato's allegory of the cave).

[kittyo9]

A follow up question: I've found that I struggle more when I don't know where he is. For example, I know today he was visiting an old friend, and I didn't feel as bad for our lack of communication because I knew he was enjoying himself and having fun with some of his other loved ones. When he simply doesn't answer my texts and doesn't offer an explanation, I get worried that he is sad or anxious or cranky (he tends to suffer from mood swing). How would you suggest dealing with this uncertainty?

For the most part, I agree with R&R-- you're still an individual, you just have a relationship. I like that you have pointed out that you want to focus on your fitness. I personally like to either get stuff done around the house or work on art projects (sometimes for him) so that I have something to put my energy into.

I also don't think it's bad to want to know where your SO is and how they are doing, but I think everyone's situation is different. There is obviously a limit to how invested you should be in finding out where your SO is, but I think just keeping tabs on one another like "at the store" or "going to lie down in bed for a while" is reasonable.

Personally, I will say that I am a very needy girlfriend™. I like both giving and receiving a lot of attention to and from my SO. My SO and I are in contact with one another pretty much all the time, save for times when we indicate that we're busy with other things (work, sleep, chores, etc.), not as an expectation, but because that's just how much we want to and are able to talk to one another. That's our norm. Other couples may need to or want to go longer periods of time without contact, and that's totally fine as long as it works for them. Sometimes we're doing our own things, and that's okay, but we communicate this to the other if it's something that will take a lot of time and attention or if the other asks ("Whatcha doing?"). Sometimes I'm watching a movie or a show when my SO becomes available, and I ask him to give me an hour or however long to finish. Sometimes my SO is playing a game or watching a video, and I just message him every once in a while but otherwise accept that he's busy and go and do my own thing until he's done.

I would also get worried if it had been a while and my SO hadn't answered me or mentioned that he'd be doing something, but it's also important to remember in these times that sometimes the unexpected just happens and we have to let it be. In these situations, I'd suggest leaving a short message for your SO and then giving them time and going to do something by yourself. As an example, my SO recently started working night shifts and has been trying to figure out how to deal with his sleep schedule on his days off so that he can do things during the daylight. Because he hasn't quite worked it out yet, there have been a few times where he's just fallen asleep. I know he's been tired and trying to sort this out, so I usually just try to check in on him when I can but otherwise wait for him to answer and let me know that he was busy or asleep.

My SO and I actually had a discussion a few weeks ago about how long we should go without hearing from the other when we're supposedly otherwise "not busy" and ended up agreeing on 6 hours, which might seem like a really short time, but because we're usually so good about communicating with one another, 6 hours would be a very long time to go without trying to reach out to each other. Again, this is our norm and does not apply to every relationship-- some people go days without hearing from their SO and that's totally normal for them. You'll need to decide for yourself what's normal for you, but perhaps having a system like that in place could help alleviate your stress, as you'll have a set time you know you need to wait before you should start worrying.

Could you ask him to just let you know that he'll be busy or that he is going to be doing his own thing so that you know when you should focus on your own things? Sorry this ended up being much longer than I anticipated.

[TaraMarie]

For the most part, I agree with R&R-- you're still an individual, you just have a relationship. I like that you have pointed out that you want to focus on your fitness. I personally like to either get stuff done around the house or work on art projects (sometimes for him) so that I have something to put my energy into.

I also don't think it's bad to want to know where your SO is and how they are doing, but I think everyone's situation is different. There is obviously a limit to how invested you should be in finding out where your SO is, but I think just keeping tabs on one another like "at the store" or "going to lie down in bed for a while" is reasonable.

Personally, I will say that I am a very needy girlfriend™. I like both giving and receiving a lot of attention to and from my SO. My SO and I are in contact with one another pretty much all the time, save for times when we indicate that we're busy with other things (work, sleep, chores, etc.), not as an expectation, but because that's just how much we want to and are able to talk to one another. That's our norm. Other couples may need to or want to go longer periods of time without contact, and that's totally fine as long as it works for them. Sometimes we're doing our own things, and that's okay, but we communicate this to the other if it's something that will take a lot of time and attention or if the other asks ("Whatcha doing?"). Sometimes I'm watching a movie or a show when my SO becomes available, and I ask him to give me an hour or however long to finish. Sometimes my SO is playing a game or watching a video, and I just message him every once in a while but otherwise accept that he's busy and go and do my own thing until he's done.

I would also get worried if it had been a while and my SO hadn't answered me or mentioned that he'd be doing something, but it's also important to remember in these times that sometimes the unexpected just happens and we have to let it be. In these situations, I'd suggest leaving a short message for your SO and then giving them time and going to do something by yourself. As an example, my SO recently started working night shifts and has been trying to figure out how to deal with his sleep schedule on his days off so that he can do things during the daylight. Because he hasn't quite worked it out yet, there have been a few times where he's just fallen asleep. I know he's been tired and trying to sort this out, so I usually just try to check in on him when I can but otherwise wait for him to answer and let me know that he was busy or asleep.

My SO and I actually had a discussion a few weeks ago about how long we should go without hearing from the other when we're supposedly otherwise "not busy" and ended up agreeing on 6 hours, which might seem like a really short time, but because we're usually so good about communicating with one another, 6 hours would be a very long time to go without trying to reach out to each other. Again, this is our norm and does not apply to every relationship-- some people go days without hearing from their SO and that's totally normal for them. You'll need to decide for yourself what's normal for you, but perhaps having a system like that in place could help alleviate your stress, as you'll have a set time you know you need to wait before you should start worrying.

Could you ask him to just let you know that he'll be busy or that he is going to be doing his own thing so that you know when you should focus on your own things? Sorry this ended up being much longer than I anticipated.

I agree with this as well. My husband and I communicate constantly throughout the day, from the first text at 7 am, to the FACETIME every night (all night). Communication is important to me (more so than him). We don't talk on the phone during the day because we are working, but we do text all day, unless one of us is in a meeting. And we chat while I drive home for 90 minutes. When I get home I feed my kids, clean up and at 9 pm we get on FaceTime. Sometimes we just silently watch tv, but it's what we would be doing if we were together every night. If he doesn't Heard from me during the day I will always get a text asking if I am ok. I do the same. It's usually every four hours or so. I don't know what I would do if we didn't communicate all day. I'm also needy.....but he's also my very best friend in the world.

[BellaDonna]

My SO and I live almost 5,000 mikes apart and have to deal with an 8 hour time difference, which can be quite a challenge when it comes to "face to face" time. Most of our communication is via email because when one of us is awake, the other is sleeping or at work. I'm a little older than my SO so I come from a generation that is more accustomed to interacting face to face rather than through email or text, so I need the occasional video chat so our written emotions can merge with our body language and facial expressions. I'm an Empath so being able to see him in "real" time is very important to me; however, the time difference makes this a challenge for us as we don't want one or the other to have to interrupt our sleep schedule just to chat.

Communication is crucial in every relationship but even more so in a LDR as there are so many additional challenges that a couple will face that can lead to misunderstandings, insecurities, etc. My SO and I have experienced a few bumps in the road but we always talk things out, even when it is difficult to do so because of past baggage. It can be easy to misread things in emails or texts, and making assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, which if left unattended to can damage your relationship. Something I recently had to learn the hard way.

Patience, trust, understanding, and healthy boundaries are also critical in every relationship. My SO and I both need "down time" from the outside world, including our relationship, in order to replenish ourselves. My SO works a slightly different schedule than I do so that time for him is the weekend, which leaves me with a great deal of time on my hands that I need to fill with other activities so I don't spend my weekend sitting around missing him. The first weekend was tough as I went almost 3 days without hearing from him but when when we reconnected, he was able to give our relationship the attention it needed without being stressed out or feeling overwhelmed.

Both of you have to be committed to the extra work a LDR requires and self aware enough to know when your own baggage is getting in the way and creating unnecessary problems. Giving a person space is just one way of showing them that you love them enough to take their well being into consideration, and a person needing space is simply their way of loving themselves enough to look after their own well being; and, trust me, that is not a bad thing!

In this digital world we now live in we are used to instant communication and we sometimes forget that our friends and loved ones are engaged in other activities that may prevent them from responding right away or have other things that they need to concentrate on such as school work, their job, and daily errands. I sometimes have to remind my friends that my boss isn't paying me to "Facebook" and text all day. While my job has down time that allows for this, it is a job where emergencies happen without warning and I may abruptly stop communicating and not be able to resume for several hours. I've had to make everyone aware of this so folks don't get their feelings hurt or get worried that something has happened to me. When I was younger it was no big deal if you went 8-10 hours or more without hearing from someone because you had to wait until they got home to talk to them! Lol. Now you can take call them from an airport bathroom that's 5,000 mikes away!

As others have suggested, establish your own life so you don't have so much down time and try not to take his need for space personally. The insecurities that lie within you are yours to deal with and not his responsibility to fix. That may sound harsh but to often people expect their SO to "make them happy" and that's a tall order to fill and can make the other person feel overwhelmed. That's why it's important to have your own life so that you come to your SO already happy and whole rather than looking to them to fill a void in your life.

A healthy relationship takes a great deal of work, patience, and flexibility! Not an easy thing in an instant gratification world! But...the pay off is well worth the effort!! Best of luck to you, hun. :-)