Text-based misunderstandings

[Rusty]

Hey all,

So, so far most everything's been going really well. There's just a slight thing that's cropped up a couple of times that is worrying me: we occasionally misunderstand one another's meaning when it comes to text-based chatting. Normally this isn't too much of a problem - you can just say "oh, no, I meant...", but a couple of times she's taken what she's thought I've said too much to heart.

So, she's upset by something I didn't mean to say, and then I get frustrated that she's upset about something I didn't mean... and I can't seem to fix it via continuing the conversation, because she closes up and becomes monosyllabic. I know she's not angry - she gets very verbal when she's angry about something - but that just makes it worse: she's sad, and I've unintentionally done that, and she's not letting me help her with it.

As you probably guessed, this happened last night - and I wasn't able to resolve it before I had to go to sleep. I know, I know you shouldn't leave things on a sour note, but it was extremely late, she was barely talking, and when she was it was to tell me to go to bed, and I was getting frustrated... I just gave up. I'm worried now - if she was upset with me, had the rest of her evening to simmer in it, and then went to sleep still like that... gah, I don't know. If I could talk to her properly this stuff wouldn't even be a problem, I'm sure. And, of course, I want to get right back to messaging her, and this is the time she's usually started messaging me, but if she's asleep and still upset, I don't want to wake her up...

Hmm. Sorry about that. Told you I'd be ranting...

[Karringtyn]

I understand this all too well. Overanalyzing things that were said. The situation/words are said/gone.....and unfortunately you cant do anything to change it. So relax..and know that things are ok....thats one thing about LDR...you have to TRUST in your SO and just let some things slide and know that you have faith in the other one...that things are ok.

Not sure if I am being clear...but I Know the whole...I want to talk but not sure if they are sleeping....boy do I! But if I were you...I would send a text...if she is sleeping...she will answer it when she wakes..

Breathe. It will all work out...

[Mio]

I hope you can talk it thru!

[Rusty]

Thanks. Yeah, we talked about it briefly not long after I posted this and quickly decided to just put it behind us. Since then it's all been the sort of lovey-talk that would probably make other people nauseous if they saw it...

[LadyMarchHare]

Personally I think it's better to resolve it when you can think straight than 'omgrightaway' because in this situation you were tired, she might have been too, and really when things get a bite in the butt you need to take a step back and breathe regardless of the 'stewing' or headaches. What good is it going to do you to keep talking when you've already typed yourself into a corner? If she's known for holding grudges then yeah I guess it's better to settle things ASAP, but it doesn't sound that way, at least not over something that probably was petty.

It's the risk we take with text, we can't hear tone or inflection, some people don't use proper grammar so what they mean to say comes out differently because of the loss of a comma, etc. All you can do is say 'oops' and explain, like you said, and if they're still upset that's really more on them than you.

[michy]

We've had a couple of instances where something we've typed has hit the other the wrong way, quite unintentionally... then all of a sudden one of us (usually me) is getting a bit heated in the replies and the other has no idea why... but after a few messages like that we're pretty good about realizing that there has been a disconnect in communication somewhere, and one of us will say something like "You know how limited typing can sometimes be... yeah, this is one of THOSE times..." and we agree to take it offline or put those thoughts on hold until we can squeeze in a quick Skype or phone call and get it all sorted out

One of the funnier ones... we were having a very serious back-and-forth email conversation about some concerns I had, and he replied "Ok we need to table this". Apparently in the UK the phrase "to table" an issue means to bring it up and address it... in the US, it means to put it aside and forget about it! So when I first read that, I thought he was telling me quite directly that he had no interest in hearing my concerns, LOL. But I knew he'd never say that, so I asked him and we had a good laugh about it...
But it goes to show that text-based communication can be deceptive at times, it's an imperfect substitute for the human voice and visual cues!! We do the best we can with it though

[Karringtyn]

Thanks. Yeah, we talked about it briefly not long after I posted this and quickly decided to just put it behind us. Since then it's all been the sort of lovey-talk that would probably make other people nauseous if they saw it...

Good to hear!

[Silviar]

I would recommend picking a moment when you're not in the middle of a misunderstanding, say, in a few days, and explain you want to talk about how to handle communicating when you slip-up via text chat. Explain it in in "I" terms, as in, "When we talk and I make a mistake, I feel really embarrassed and I'm not sure how to say it in a way that doesn't ruin the conversation." as opposed to "you statements", like "You always clam up when there's a misunderstanding, and that frustrates me." It'll ensure she doesn't feel like the conversation is accusatory (helps the subconscious), and that way you guys can maybe develop a phrase to make sure she knows there was a poof in communication.

Text chat is hard because there's no nuance to it, so a person can interpret it completely different from another. Good luck!