He broke up with me by phone...

[dee94]

Hello guys,

I've been in LDR for 1 year and 5 months. He was/ and rn is living in NYC, I'm living in Poland. He made decision that he is moving to Berlin to be closer to me and also this city was an aim for both of us to finally live in, cause we loved it. This spring his boss wasn't happy of his work in Berlin anymore - so he needed to come back right away. This decision was made in 1 or 2 weeks. It was though.

After he came back to NYC, his boss fired him. And this work was not just a work but a position that he was working on for 14 years! He was/ still is trying to rebuild his life again. I visited him in the end of May for 2 weeks and we had a great time. After I came back I was slowly starting feeling insecure about us. He kept telling me that once I will finish my Master's I can move to him and we can start our life together. But there are coming problems with legalization, green card etc. But last few weeks I was doing my best to find out maybe i can get a working visa or something. But our connection and communication was slowly...fading away. We didn't text that much and talking. I was starting feeling soo distance from him because of that. I was telling him I feel unhappy in this relationship and he make me sad, we had a lot of conversations like that. But he kept telling me that i have so much more time to overanalyzing it and he is dealing with his problems now. Everytime he called me (maybe every 3 day and after a while once a WEEK) I was very short with him - he was asking about everything but I couldn't pretend it's all good.

It was hard for me seeing him with his friends on instagram or whatever and knowing that we won't even text me or call me when he has some free time. I didn't want to call him cause I didn't want to interrupt and also I was so closed because of all this problems. And once week ago I lost my mind. He was on tour, posting photos and it seemed he had a great time but he didn't even text me during that. So I texted him how's tour and everything. It all seemed fine but I already had bad and negative intentions on my mind. I called him, I told him he is acting like a dick and I can't really see the future with him. I've told so many bad things and he was telling that he is just suprised. It was like 1am and after that night I didn't even remember what I said. Also few days ago I archived some photos of us and him on my instagram ( what a stupid girl right?) so maybe he will see that something is wrong. And after this call he saw it. I tried to call him and he didn't want to talk to me. I just texted that I was trying to deal with this silence, distance and all of that but i really love him and don't want to end up all of this.

Then... i called him 3 days later and was trying to explain what I felt. But he already made his decision. He told me it's not working for both of us anymore, there is no romance and he has so much to do and he doesn't need someone that many miles away. He just couldn't offer me that mental care anymore. Also he told me that there's no chance for both of us to live together in NYC cause its soo expensive - he is trying to find the cheapest room now. He wouldn't be a financial help for me when I will decide to move. Also he is 12 years older than me - I'm 23 and he is 35. He is my first serious boyfriend so he told me that I should date other guys to see how it is... It broke my heart. How can I date someone while I love him?

His mum is trying to give me hope that he's dealing with really hard time and all of these things hit him there. Also the thing that he is older and he can't even offer anything for me is making him mad and very desperated. And also that he "may change" his mind as she knows him.

I'm going to visit my sisters in Chicago in the end of September - he is going to be a support of musician that we all like - my sister bought a tickets for her and my mum. Do you think I should attend to this gig too?

What do you guys think about that?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

You deserve WAY better then that kind of treatment. I dealt w/something similar and when a person who supposedly loves you treats you like that, it is very painful. I dated a guy LD for about 6 months. He could go an entire day of not texting me, our vid calls were rare and he never really made an effort to show me that he really cared. I couldn't take it anymore and flipped out on him after months of holding it in. The excuses on why he couldn't have a relationship poured out and he told me to date other men. The break up was painful I had to beg for him to do it over vid chat instead of text. Good luck and please do not hold onto him.

[snow]

I have a completely different view than the poster above me.

You are short and distant with him, but then you complain that he doesn't want to talk to you. He is busy dealing with his livelihood being taken from him after 14 years working for a company. That's a hard hit and something he would have needed your support, but instead you push him away, you take away the romance and then blame him when he feels like there isn't anything left for him to come to for comfort.

Instead of playing games and "showing him you're upset" by hiding pictures off your instagram, you should have asked him if there is anything you could do to make him feel better. And then when he is having a good time after suffering, you call him to tell him he acts like a dick? How dare you?

Your SO lost his job, he lost the opportunity to be with you and tried to figure out a way to mend what was broken by trying to encourage you to move to him (and it's difficult! I know! I immigrated to the US!) but instead of seeing it for what it is, you distance yourself and take away the only thing still working in his life.

I think you need to do some soul searching. If you love your SO, support him, try to be involved in what is going on in his life and help him find a way to make things work. You won't be able to do a whole lot, you're obviously not there, but the emotional support is what has been lacking and it's probably why he cut it off. If my relationship consisted of complaining, distance and short answers, I would most likely break it up too.

[R&R]

Thank you, snow, for articulating exactly what I was thinking!

I'm going to be just as honest as snow was. I have a 22-year old daughter and if she ever acted like you did, she'd get a much bigger dressing down from me than I'm laying out here. You're getting the watered down version.

You were 8 years old when he started that job - think about that. He's lost his livelihood and a good part of his identity with that. He's struggling. He feels like he can't provide and that can be devestating. He's got to start to rebuild what he had built up over a 14 year period.

That's when your SO needs your support and not your shortness and childish games. Telling him he's acting like a dick and you can't see a future? Really? And then you wonder why he ended it. Seriously? He's completely justified. The age difference between the two of you really showed up here. As an adult, you stop with that crap and act as a support for you SO when they are struggling. There are times when it's not about you or about the relationship but about the other person. You put all that selfish stuff behind you and put the other person ahead for awhile. A relationship has times where one or the other is really going to need to be the focus and that will ebb and flow through the entire relationship.

Do both of you a favor and just let it go. He needs time to get his life and career back on track without the drama that you brought in. Take this time to learn from your mistakes and how you acted so that it won't happen again in a future relationship.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Hello guys,


Then... i called him 3 days later and was trying to explain what I felt. But he already made his decision. He told me it's not working for both of us anymore, there is no romance and he has so much to do and he doesn't need someone that many miles away. He just couldn't offer me that mental care anymore. Also he told me that there's no chance for both of us to live together in NYC cause its soo expensive - he is trying to find the cheapest room now. He wouldn't be a financial help for me when I will decide to move. Also he is 12 years older than me - I'm 23 and he is 35. He is my first serious boyfriend so he told me that I should date other guys to see how it is... It broke my heart. How can I date someone while I love him?

His mum is trying to give me hope that he's dealing with really hard time and all of these things hit him there. Also the thing that he is older and he can't even offer anything for me is making him mad and very desperated. And also that he "may change" his mind as she knows him.

I'm going to visit my sisters in Chicago in the end of September - he is going to be a support of musician that we all like - my sister bought a tickets for her and my mum. Do you think I should attend to this gig too?

What do you guys think about that?

I have to disagree w/the above posters. If he wanted to work on the relationship he would be telling you how much he didn't want to lose you, not saying how its no longer working out. You talked to him about he was making you unhappy and he continued behaving the way that hurt you.

[snow]

I have to disagree w/the above posters. If he wanted to work on the relationship he would be telling you how much he didn't want to lose you, not saying how its no longer working out. You talked to him about he was making you unhappy and he continued behaving the way that hurt you.

She was being childish. He did not want to work on the relationship because he had bigger problems in his life than worrying about someone who plays games to get someone's attention while struggling to find a place to live. Seriously, get your priorities straight. Living is more important than making sure your SO is not hurt by you losing your job.

[Moon]

I have to disagree w/the above posters. If he wanted to work on the relationship he would be telling you how much he didn't want to lose you, not saying how its no longer working out. You talked to him about he was making you unhappy and he continued behaving the way that hurt you.

Where are you getting the thought he wants to work on anything? He doesn't, he's done. Just because he no longer wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't support him, and is much less mature than he is, doesn't mean he did, or is doing, anything wrong. It's OK to break up with someone you don't see a future with.

[Harlequin]

Yeah I don't really see why he would want to work on salvaging the relationship after all of that. He's not in the wrong, and if anything, like the other posters have said, he needs to focus on getting himself back on his feet. That was a HUGE loss for him, and the last thing he needed was...all of that. If I were in a relationship where someone behaved as OP did, I wouldn't want to be bothered to fix things, either. Any desire I would have had, would've been completely killed the moment I was called a dick for trying to enjoy myself after such a devastating blow to my livelihood. Like...nah, man. That doesn't fly.

When my husband goes through really difficult times, I'm there to all but completely smother him with love and support. When I go through really difficult times, he does the same for me. We understand when we come second to a huge problem. We don't play childish games in order to "show" each other how we're feeling; we communicate like the adults that we are. Compassion, MATURITY, and understanding are SO important in any relationship. It's okay to feel like you may not be getting enough attention and affection, but that's when you use your words and talk about it, like a grown up, without insulting each other. It's a lot nicer (and MORE effective) to say "I miss you, and I feel like we don't talk as much. Are you okay?" than to be like "You're a dick and also I hid photos on instagram to teach you a lesson" and then be short with him.

[Honour]

Agreed with the other posters. I think he was in the right to do what he did. Your actions and words to him were despicable.

[erwin1973]

It's understandable you wonder why he didn't go to you but to his friends, but then... in stead of calling him names, you could have asked him, right? There's so much going on in a man's mind that you will never know of, when he gets fired. I have been through that, too. You both had plans, and he could realize that because of his job. Now he lost all, and you didn't support him. That's cruel. You didn't ask him, either, as far as I understand your post well. You just assumed things and acted like a complete... well, I leave that to you.
Take your loss, take a brake, and learn from your mistakes. Next time better.

[dee94]

Thank all of you for your honest thoughts.

I know I'm this guilty one. I hurt him and was acting like a completely bitch.

But it was after a while when he lost his job. When he called me to tell me that I cried (after a call), cause I knew how much devastating it was for him. But he found a job 2 hours later and I believed so much that he will make it out. But after 2 weeks it wasn't what he wants to do in life. So I was pushing him to do his own thing cause all his ideas were great and I knew he will do good. He was so exited about his new thing that he wanted to do his whole life! He was calling me and telling me about all of those plans, how good he is doing and how great it will be. But then I felt like out of the plan, you know? He didn't asked me how my research regarding visa is doing and how we will make it work out in one year after my Master's. All he was telling me was that NYC is too expensive for me for now so it's not possible to move right away. So I moved from the city to my parents house and was going to work and school in a train for 1 hour, cause I wanted to save some money to start living with him. I was telling him that but he wasn't even happy with it - he kept telling me that I should go out with friends every night ( after 8 h work?), that I need to do something with passion...And ask for help other people - i have 2 sisters in the US so he kept telling me that I shouldn't feel bad to borrow money from them ( but why if I can save some of mine money?). He didn't understand that at all that I was trying to be as responsible as I could. That broke me too.

And also he was pushing to have a break all the time - but how to have a break when we're already long distance? We didn't communicate even that much so that was another thing that made me so mad about it.


I really love him. I know that I fucked it up but I really want to try to rebuild it in any possible way. Do you think it's possible?

[Moon]

Thank all of you for your honest thoughts.

I know I'm this guilty one. I hurt him and was acting like a completely bitch.

But it was after a while when he lost his job. When he called me to tell me that I cried (after a call), cause I knew how much devastating it was for him. But he found a job 2 hours later and I believed so much that he will make it out. But after 2 weeks it wasn't what he wants to do in life. So I was pushing him to do his own thing cause all his ideas were great and I knew he will do good. He was so exited about his new thing that he wanted to do his whole life! He was calling me and telling me about all of those plans, how good he is doing and how great it will be. But then I felt like out of the plan, you know? He didn't asked me how my research regarding visa is doing and how we will make it work out in one year after my Master's. All he was telling me was that NYC is too expensive for me for now so it's not possible to move right away. So I moved from the city to my parents house and was going to work and school in a train for 1 hour, cause I wanted to save some money to start living with him. I was telling him that but he wasn't even happy with it - he kept telling me that I should go out with friends every night ( after 8 h work?), that I need to do something with passion...And ask for help other people - i have 2 sisters in the US so he kept telling me that I shouldn't feel bad to borrow money from them ( but why if I can save some of mine money?). He didn't understand that at all that I was trying to be as responsible as I could. That broke me too.

And also he was pushing to have a break all the time - but how to have a break when we're already long distance? We didn't communicate even that much so that was another thing that made me so mad about it.


I really love him. I know that I fucked it up but I really want to try to rebuild it in any possible way. Do you think it's possible?

Honestly, and I'm sorry, but no, I don't. He's clearly done with the relationship, and if someone is over it, they just are, you can't rebuild when you're the only one who wants it. It sounds like he's been disinterested, and hinting at a break up for a while now, and I realize this is new and shocking to you, it's something he's been planning for some time. Your biggest red flag is him always pushing for a break. Not only do breaks rarely work, they're usually a cop-out for someone to cowardly to just break up with you. It might take time, but I think you need to resign yourself to the break up, take some time for yourself and begin to heal from it, analyze the lessons learned, then move on. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't really have other options.