What should I do?

[TaraMarie]

I lost my little sister seven years ago. I am still not over it....actually cried about it today when I read something that reminded me of her. When Shannon died, I realized that life is very short. She missed out on getting married, having children, and seeing mine grow up. My heart hurts because she's missed those things. I can say that I went a little nuts myself, Within two years my marraige was over, I changed jobs, give up most of my friends and did some things that made me thinkI was going off the deep end.....or having a mid life crisis. I stopped short of buying sports car though....lol.

Grief manifests differently in everyone. It could be that. Although to me, those text messages sounded like someone who was drunk.

[awills1]

Thank you all for your inputs. I have made the decision to walk away from the relationship. He did text me yesterday (his birthday) saying that he had received his card, the letter and present and he loved them. I then went on to say that I needed to know where his head was at, and his response was:

'Honestly I can't even decide where my head is at. One minute it's 'I want to be with (my name)' and the next it's 'I have no idea what I want right now'. I think just the fact alone that I began to second guess things is messing with knowing what I want - and believe me it's confusing for me as well. I would call you and I do want to talk to you tomorrow to catch up but I'm out celebrating right now with _______'.

To which I then responded with:

I shouldn't have to accept hearing 'catching up' from the man that I'm dating. I have so much to offer and everything I said in my letter is the truth but I don't deserve to just be an option for you. You're second guessing us because of two very minor things, both of which would be non-existent if we were together in a normal way and as I said in my letter are temporary years when you have an eternity. I don't want to be your shadow. I want you to have days where you sit and play Xbox with your friends as much as I want days where I can have a day with my friends and not worry about us. From thousands of miles away I'm prepared to give 110% because I've never wanted anything to work more. I've never had this connection with anyone before but I have more self respect and will walk away, even though I can see so much potential in you, and us, and the future'.

His response was then:

I see a lot of potential in us too. I always have. Mainly because I value our connection so much just like you do. It's rare. I'm second guessing it because two things that came across as important to me. Things that may seem remote but are a larger issue than itself. That's why I started to have concern. Not just because of little insignificant things.

And finally my response:

I'm not saying they're insignificant and I appreciate that they're important to you. I'm saying that I know that it wouldn't be a problem in the future, but the bottom line is that I shouldn't have to be asking my other half for better communication. It should be something that comes naturally. The lack in communication was a huge red flag for me but I was, and still would be, prepared to work through this because I'm looking at the bigger picture. I do adore you and what we do have is incredibly rare but I don't think at this moment in time you're going to be able to look at that bigger picture so for my own sake I'm going to walk away from this. Not through choice, because as I've said I do adore you, but we can't keep swinging back and forth like this.

I haven't had a reply since, but I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. I feel awful, and I'm hurting, but I wanted it to be my decision. He's either going to fight for us, or accept that he's lost me. I'm not sure yet.

[Jeffiner]

I'm so sorry to hear this and can imagine the pain you're feeling right now. I cane to this site and then this forum because of a situation that very closely resembles yours.

My SO lost his dad, whom he lived with, 6 months ago. Though we have known each other for 31 years (!) & have been in an amazing relationship for 2 years now, everything changed. It was like the man I loved disappeared and was replaced with someone who was distant and not terribly interested in me or our relationship.

His huge personality shift is still something I really struggle with and has caused big problems for us due to his decrease in communication & increase in anger.

Reading up on grief and how shutting down fits into it was helpful. Having said that, though, had we not already established the friendship we had, I/we would have been done a couple of months ago.

Hang in there, OP. <3

[hmrambling]

Thanks for writing in black text.

I'm not a huge fan of having someone chase after me after a break up. When I say no, I want my no to be respected. Likewise when I say that I'm done, I want that person to respect that I am done. If he never contacts you again, it will be perhaps because he respects that you said that you are walking away.

We see it in the movies and music and on TV: girl breaks up and guy chases after her. However, if someone chased after me I would see it as someone who doesn't respect the fact that I want to be left alone.

Please do not be disappointed if he doesn't "fight" for you. If you don't hear anything else from him, that may very well mean that he is simply respecting the fact that you walked away and that usually means that you want to be left alone.

I'm sorry to hear this outcome. I wish you the best and encourage you to autopsy the relationship.

[erwin1973]

I'm sorry for you, OP, that it had to go this way. But I guess it is less painfull then just hanging on and let the feeling die slowly. You've been brave. Hang in there and be strong.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

I'm sorry to hear that. I have been in your position, where I wanted the guy to fight for me after I walked away. I've learned though if someone really cares for you, the relationship will never reach that point and if you do have a hiccup, they will be there to listen. Breaking up is extremely painful, but you do deserve better. You deserve someone who will want to contact you and will be excited to find anytime they can for you. Its really not fair for him to put you through that indecisiveness, that causes a lot of emotional hurt. Any person who second guesses being w/someone, does not want to be w/them. I wish you the very best and one day you will find a guy who wants you and has no qualms about that.

[awills1]

An update for you all.

The day I called time on our relationship he came back to me wanting to work through things. A few days passed, and his actions weren't correlating to what he had said to me on the phone so after a couple of days having not heard from him I asked what was going on.

He then opened up to me.

He hadn't spoken to anyone, not me, his brothers, his friends. No one. He'd just wanted to be alone and cry, thinking about his dad. He apologized for not making effort, but he just can't bring himself to do anything. He told me that his mom believes he's hitting the next stage of grief, which I've been thinking for a while now. He said that it's impossible not to think about me and that he's so lucky to have me, and he wants to hold on to everything but he's agreed that at this time letting go is the best option. I want him to recover from the loss of his dad and to do that he needs space, and time. It broke my heart. He's said that he'll continue to keep the letter I sent him by his bed and will read it, and he hopes that some day we can work this out. He said that he thinks that I'm the right person for him but he just needs to get through this.

I miss him so much and I don't really know how to cope with this. I'm hurting because this is very much a 'right person, wrong time' situation.

[erwin1973]

The positive thing is that you talked about it, that he is honest and that you know where you are at the moment.

Stay strong.