Is our breakup waaay overdue?

[meyamodenise]

Hey everyone
So I've been in a LDR for about a year and a half and have struggled almost the whole time but always found a way to keep it going. The issue is with a certain trait of my bf: he can't say no. I am very understanding but there have been numerous times that he's turn down a call or skype date with me to hang out with his friends since they're there and I'm not. Also, his parents are extremely strict (even though he's already 21) and don't like for him see me often when I'm home (we live about 40 minutes away at home but I'm a 5-6 hour plane ride away at school now). So he ends up having to find excuses to see me and can't stay out after about 7pm which is when his parents start calling.

I have obviously learned to live with this, but should I be concerned? I mean, is this normal? It hurts when he continually tells me that he'll call but then doesn't, and hardly ever responds to texts. We've talked about it before and it gets better for a while, but then we start to lose our connection. But I love him too much to say goodbye. Also, he is not extremely busy, but is not the type of guy that is attached to his phone or computer so I understand that he doesn't respond to texts right away...most of the time, they never come.

I feel like I'm the one holding us together and he tells me he loves me and I know he does but it's hard to always just "know" that he loves me when I don't feel it regularly. Is he just being lazy or does he really not care about me as much as I think?

Thanks!

[LadyMarchHare]

The things you're describing are fixable, but only by your SO. The first thing is he has to be aware that he's neglecting you or acting in a way that makes you feel neglected. The second is, he needs to learn that just because you're on a computer doesn't mean you're less important than those friends he can go catch a game with or whatever he likes doing with them. Maybe it's not exciting, but he chose to be in the relationship, knew what it had to entail, so he needs to rewire his priorities.

As for the parents, some are that strict no matter what the age. I had a friend whose mother made her pay $400 rent a month, she would get grounded for not making her bed properly, would have to ask permission to go out, etc and she's 21.

Does he know this stuff frustrates you, how you feel when he does certain things? You shouldn't 'learn to live with this'. Despite the whole 'relationships are about compromise' thing, you should never have to compromise your happiness because he has a stupid habit or just flat out doesn't think. Buy him books about being assertive, ask he try to turn down other offers in favor of you at least every other time, see if he can get to a counselor with his parents. He's a grown man, regardless of whether he's living with them, setting curfews and the like as well as trying to control his relationship is not healthy and unless he can get away from them, a family counselor is needed.

[machstx]

i pretty much agree with LMH. you have talked about all this before and it gets better for awile as you said then goes back to the way it was. so id say lay it out once more. demand to be important. and i dont mean literally haha. make it known that: you deserve his love and attention as his girlfriend. you love him and want to be with him. if losing you isnt worth changing, and working on changing everyday, not just a bit then fading back to how it was before than he A: isnt ready B:doesnt love you as much as you love him or C:simply cant change.

hope this doesnt seem rough. but ive been there before.
i hope you can get through to him so that he undertands you simply love him and want it to work
best of luck!

[sun4me64]

All of the ideas in the previous two posts are really good! I think talking to him is the first thing, making sure he's aware that these things bother you and have him tell you how he feels about the situation and how he can go about making things easier on you. He may just be one of those guys that doesn't realize those things right away until you point blank ask him. Also, he's not always going to live with his parents, so the question of would it get better?, yes in that aspect, it will, eventually. I know I am currently unemployed and living at home and it's really hard. My parents are also really hard on my LDR. And they're super strict and stuff. But I don't have an option, I have student loans and no full time job. So it's really stressful being 22 and in that situation, so that is probably bothering him a lot, so spending time with his friends gets him out of the house and away from his family (something I COMPLETELY understand!). Just talk to him and make sure he's well aware of where you're coming from. I think that will help out a lot!

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you definitely need to talk to him. You need to tell him how you're feeling. But before you do talk to him, I think you need to figure out some ways to fix this problem. That will make him not feel overwhelmed with how you're feeling and trying to find out a way to fix the problem. But you definitely need to address what's going on.

[Bluestars]

I sort of agree with what others have said. You should definitely talk to him about how you are feeling.

But you also remind me a lot of myself. I am going to ask you to clarify what you mean when you say "There have been numerous times that he's turn down a call or skype date with me to hang out with his friends since they're there and I'm not." How often does your boyfriend hang out with his friends, and how often do you two hang out? Does he never get on skype with you, or does he just occasionally not do it? Also, are these "scheduled" dates that you have made well in advanced that he cancels at the last minute, or do you randomly ask him for a Skype date and he says no because he wants to hang out with friends?

My boyfriend works two jobs, and he probably works around fifty hours a week? Before that, he went to school full-time and also worked around thirty hours a week. My boyfriend chooses to hang out with his friends rather than me a good bit, and that is something that took me a long time to accept. I used to get really upset about it, but after talking to some people, I realized that I was being very unrealistic. In order to have a healthy relationship, you both need to hang out with other people and have a separate life. When my boyfriend has a day off, sometimes I will ask for us to have a date and he will turn it down because he wants to hang out with his friends. I will admit, I still get mad about it sometimes, but I let it go because I realize that his life cannot revolve around me.

On the other hand, if you made prior commitments to hang out with each other and he cancels it at the last minute, then that is not cool at all. That is a big issue that I have had with my boyfriend. Once, he lied to me and said that he was tired so he wanted to cancel the date, but I found out that really he made plans with someone earlier that day to go to a movie and he wanted to hang out with them instead. That is NOT acceptable to me, and I told him that. First of all, he lied, and that is a big problem. However, when you make plans to do something with someone, you need to keep your word. If you accidently make plans with someone else, then first you need to tell the second person that you have a prior commitment so you can't do what you said. If my boyfriend would have really wanted to see that movie with his friend, then he should have told me about the situation and I would have said it was ok as long as we set another date for our date.

Like I said before, this is a problem that I still get mad about, but it helps for us to make plans for a date in advanced because otherwise one of us will always be busy with other plans.