Open LDR yes no maybe :/

[Johanna1111]

So.. I've met my bf online. We're 10000km apart. After just a few days we met online we've started LDR. He said I'm the person he sees himself with in future, I felt the same, still do. We knew we'd meet in 10-14 months. We talked about sex thing and he told me he wants me to enjoy life and etc, and I know it's hard to be without sex for a long time. He's a party person, and has a past of hookups loooots and looots.. And I can't imagine him being with another one. Even when he'd kiss someone in the club it makes me feel :/ cuz I love him. He told me it'd just be the emotionless sex no feelings or sth. But I couldn't do sth like that ever cuz he's got my heart. And I didn't. We met finally, spent the best days of our lifes. I'd never seen someone as happy as he was these days, never! He admitted that he had sex once then when we got deeper into it he told it was in fact 3 times already while in LDR. And that he's not the person who's not gonna do anything while I'm gone (next time we'll meet in 2 years so I can't ask him not to.. ). He says he wants me to try the life and enjoy, and who knows life is unpredictable maybe me or him meet someone else, he can't promise me that it won't happen. But at the same time he says I'm irreplaceable and plans the future with me, plans next trip, wants me, saying that noone ever cought him like that, not only with love but we lived together for a bit and we really suit eachother, and his family and friends say I'm the best thing in his life, and even he told them that too.. So... How should I.... What do I do?? I told him I want the truth every time if he sleeps with someone or begin to have feelings for someone(but he didn't tell me for those times bc he didn't wanna hurt me) . But still I can't imagine him kissing and everything that goes later, imagining all of that, HIM, with other person involved in that.... But I can't end it. That's 1000% off the table. I'd rather be hurt for this time, and then have the happy life one day... But he said he doesn't want to hurt me, that he feels depressed when he hurts me. So... I'm lost.. Am I wrong accepting all of that?? I just know that after a year he's treating first thing I think of in the morning.. And now when we lived it in person I know I want him for real! He says the same......

[differentcountries]

I understand that sometimes saving up for a trip can take a long time, but 2 years seem very long time , even for a trip half way around the globe.

I dont see you being comfortable with the open relationship. You have to see if you can be ok with this. This is not something only one person can decide.

[erwin1973]

We talked about sex thing and he told me he wants me to enjoy life and etc, and I know it's hard to be without sex for a long time.

Yes, it is. But in my opinion, when you love someone, you'll wait for it. Or do it together on cam.

And I can't imagine him being with another one. Even when he'd kiss someone in the club it makes me feel :/ cuz I love him. He told me it'd just be the emotionless sex no feelings or sth. But I couldn't do sth like that ever cuz he's got my heart. And I didn't.

Good, and you shouldn't. In my opinion, weather you have met or not, when you both decide to be exclusive, that's what you are. Not messing around with anybody else, because you're exclusive.

He admitted that he had sex once then when we got deeper into it he told it was in fact 3 times already while in LDR. And that he's not the person who's not gonna do anything while I'm gone (next time we'll meet in 2 years so I can't ask him not to.. ).

So he cheated on you three times and you say you cannot ask him to stay loyal? Why can't you ask that of him? If you can't ask it now, you can't ask it when you're together, or, for that matter, married. Once he is used to having sex with whoever wants it, marriage is not going to stop that. If you allow it now, and you did, because you say so, there's no way back. A high sexdrive is no excuse (I am a satyr, yet I wait for my lady and me to meet - no messing around). Actually you give him carte blanche to cheat on you now, and unless you are okay with that, and don't bother him f*cking every p*ssy he likes, you should either (have) set your boundaries, or get the heck out of this relationship. Sorry if I am harsh. I'm just trying to be honest and give my opinion.

He says he wants me to try the life and enjoy, and who knows life is unpredictable maybe me or him meet someone else, he can't promise me that it won't happen.

You can perfectly enjoy life without having sex and waiting for that someone special. If he already lets you know to look around for someone else, that's a big red flag, also when he says 'you never know'. Of course you never know, although when he really loves you, he would not be looking around. So I see another big red flag here...

But at the same time he says I'm irreplaceable and plans the future with me, plans next trip, wants me, saying that noone ever cought him like that, not only with love but we lived together for a bit and we really suit eachother, and his family and friends say I'm the best thing in his life, and even he told them that too.. So... How should I.... What do I do??

I'm sorry, but I don't buy that. If this were all true, all of the above would not have been said and done. In my humble opinion. May be I am old fashioned but I do believe in being faithfull. What do you do? We can't decide that for you.

I told him I want the truth every time if he sleeps with someone or begin to have feelings for someone(but he didn't tell me for those times bc he didn't wanna hurt me).

You give him - again - carte blanche to cheat on you. Why? You allow this, don't forget that. Again, sorry if I sound harsh, but cheating would mean for me a good bye, never wanna see you again.

But still I can't imagine him kissing and everything that goes later, imagining all of that, HIM, with other person involved in that.... But I can't end it. That's 1000% off the table. I'd rather be hurt for this time, and then have the happy life one day... But he said he doesn't want to hurt me, that he feels depressed when he hurts me. So... I'm lost.. Am I wrong accepting all of that??

You are right, you can't end it. Not any more, may be you never could have. But if he really loves you and respects you, he would stay faithfull. Either he is not capable of loving, mixes love with lust, or he is just playing with you and keeping you happy with sweettalk and putting his d*ck in every hole he finds.

I have only one advice for you, and again, sorry if I sound harsh: get the heck out of this relationship because you're being played with. He doesn't respect you the tiniest bit at all.

Yes, you are very, very wrong in accepting it, and also in not telling him you don't accept it. I don't like ultimatums, but you should have given him the first time he told you he cheated on you. Now, you're to late. All that will happen now is that he will just continue doing what he's doing, without telling you if you give him an ultimatum.

I just know that after a year he's treating first thing I think of in the morning.. And now when we lived it in person I know I want him for real! He says the same......

He doesn't, or his actions would match his words. Words are meaningless without the actions matching them. It's that simple.

Again, sorry to be so harsh, but I hope it wakes you up. I see a whole lot of red flags, and to be honest, your acceptance of his behaviour has made it impossible to turn that around now. You'll only create lies when you demand he stops. No matter how much it's hurting you to leave, you say it's hurting you to stay. So... that would be an obvious choice for me.

[differentcountries]

If you consider the open relationship, the first thing to adress is his previous episodes of cheating, and lying to you. I also noticed that he also gets feelings for others sometimes, and there is a risk he could get smitten with the person he shares a bed with. Have you discussed safer sex? Does he take regular std tests? Would he become jealous if you started en emotional affair? These are all things to consider. I reccomend getting the book "Opening up" by Tristan Toarmino, or check out the webpage where there is a test you can take to see if open relationships are for you. Good luck ♥

[Rezie]

Open relationships work if you both want it. In your case it sounds like you want an exclusive relationship and he wants an open relarionship. This will not work. If you decide to have an open relationship the you need rules on what's acceptable, if they tell you, if only sex is allowed or if it involves dates and then the question of safe sex.

I my opinion cheating has not occurred since he has told you from the beginning that he will hook up with other people and you are allowed to do the same. If you had agreed on exclusivity then it would be cheating.

So either you make rules for your open relationship and make sure they are followed that you both are comfortable with. Or you move on and find a relationship where you are comfortable.

[C.C.]

It's unclear to me what the agreement was before he admitted he had had sex. If they were in an open relationship already, why did he have to hide it and lie about it?

Either way it's clear that both people want different things in a relationship. And I don't get why would anyone think that they are okay with hurting and being unhappy now with the hope that things might be good down the road, after years time. How do you know he'll not want an open relationship when you have been together and he's tired of having sex only with you? Or what if either of you is sent abroad from work for a year, does that mean going back to an open relationship? Is that happiness?

[hmrambling]

I see that you said that leaving him is 1000% off the table. If that's the case then you have really set yourself up to be treated any way that he chooses. It seems that your perception is that since you won't see him for another two years that you cannot ask for exclusivity.

If you refuse to ask for exclusivity, and you are unwilling to leave, then you need to work out the terms of the open relationship that you've settled on with him. He has demonstrated that he doesn't want to tell you when he has sex with other people. So if those are the terms you are okay with, then go for it. I would suggest to you that if you are not okay with open relationships that you don't have one.

[Allurial]

You teach people the way they can treat you and so far what you've taught him is that you are okay with him sleeping around. You don't seem to want to want an open relationship, but are allowing it simply so he doesn't leave you entirely which is ... I guess your choice. You MUST discuss his sex habits and make sure he is being safe, after all what he does will have an outcome on you as well. However I'd be highly concerned especially if he didn't want to tell you the stuff even if it was to "not hurt you" obviously it will hurt you anyways and he must know that but still continues.