Complicated situation

[Confused LDR?]

Hello everyone! I have a weird/complicated situation I would love some insight and advice on.

We are not quite in a romantic relationship. We have been really good friends for a couple of months now. Let's call him C. He was there for me during a difficult time (I broke up with my SO of a couple of years) and he was very supportive. Now C and I usually speak all day, everyday, through texting, then later at night we usually watch something together or play a game. During this time we'll voice chat for a couple of hours until we go to sleep. C has talked about coming to where I live to visit, has asked if I would stay at a hotel with him and he'll pay. He's expressed jealousy at the thought of men hitting on me while at work. We've both talked about our ideal life, in terms of what we want in a relationship (you know, a loving SO, talked about how many kids each of us would want, things we would do if we were together).

Everything seems great. The problem arises with C saying he doesn't see us dating, that he doesn't see himself in a relationship with me. I asked why. He's given me a couple of reasons, including me still living with my ex (can't afford a place of my own quite yet, working on getting a second job to afford that), life experience being different (I work, study, pay rent/bills etc, have had 2 relationships while he hasn't). I'm not sure if I have just been over reading what C has told me previously, but it was kind of strange for him to say that he doesn't want to date and just stay good friends in my opinion. I don't know if this is something I should keep pursuing (more low key, in the hopes of maybe when he actually comes to visit we hit it off), or just try to move on and try to stay good friends with him.

[rache82]

Hi there, I think it's pretty offensive that he says one of the reasons is that you haven't been in a relationship before? Seriously! how old is he? And living with the ex thing? I know a few who live with their exes yet are dating someone else - it's got to do with money, as you say, not much you can do about it. But in saying this, I am kinda a jealous person myself so I can see where he's coming from there, even though it's actually not sensible and completely an unreasonable way to feel.
Honestly, I don't see any harm in keeping the conversation going in that direction, but don't wait for him; keep your options open.
Best!

[hmrambling]

I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who lives with their ex. It sounds like an invitation for drama to me. I would not fault a guy for having boundaries and for sticking to the boundaries. If that is his personal boundary, please respect that.

Also, a person does not have to justify why they don't want to date you. If I tell a woman that I don't want to date her, I don't have to validate that statement with reason why I don't want to date her. It's almost like a set up to ask someone why they don't want to date you because then you can pick through their reasons and make your own determinations that their reasons aren't good enough. Most people want their boundaries respected and do not want other people to find loopholes in their reasons why they don't want to date you.


We are not quite in a romantic relationship. ........ he doesn't see us dating, that he doesn't see himself in a relationship with me.

Please respect his opinions, thoughts, and feelings and try not to force (or coerce) a relationship that he's not ready for. Boundaries are huge. Movies, TV, and music always tell a story of chasing after someone but in real life it is healthy to respect people's boundaries.
I would not pursue someone who doesn't want to date me.

[Confused LDR?]

I wouldn't be a fan of dating someone who lives with their ex. It sounds like an invitation for drama to me. I would not fault a guy for having boundaries and for sticking to the boundaries. If that is his personal boundary, please respect that.

Also, a person does not have to justify why they don't want to date you. If I tell a woman that I don't want to date her, I don't have to validate that statement with reason why I don't want to date her. It's almost like a set up to ask someone why they don't want to date you because then you can pick through their reasons and make your own determinations that their reasons aren't good enough. Most people want their boundaries respected and do not want other people to find loopholes in their reasons why they don't want to date you.


We are not quite in a romantic relationship. ........ he doesn't see us dating, that he doesn't see himself in a relationship with me.

Please respect his opinions, thoughts, and feelings and try not to force (or coerce) a relationship that he's not ready for. Boundaries are huge. Movies, TV, and music always tell a story of chasing after someone but in real life it is healthy to respect people's boundaries.
I would not pursue someone who doesn't want to date me.

I do appreciate the concern for respecting his boundaries. I don't intend to try to force anybody into a relationship with me when they clearly state and show that they don't want anything to do with me. The only reason why I asked him why was because of how he acts towards me. I do respect his opinions and feelings. I also don't appreciate feeling like I'm being led on to believe he has feelings for me, to then be told the contrary, to then continue to show me other wise. Just today he was talking about how I should move to where he lives once I graduate and we can find an apartment.

Me personally, if I know that somebody is interested in me and i'm not, I would not try to seek them out, tell them i'd go visit them, ask them to stay at a hotel with me, or suggest they move to where I live and get an apartment together. That is where all of my confusion stems from.

[Rezie]

Eventhough actions speak louder than words in cases like this (trust me these types of cases are common) if someone says they don't want to be in a relationship then let them go. Its my worth the thinking while the other person is free to do whatever they want. Some might do it because they are scared, some want a backup but I don't think it's healthy to wait around in hopes that someone would actually say they like you. If he would have said that he doesn't see a relationship until you live without your ex then it would be a different story. But he gave stupid reasons even though he wouldn't have had to give any.

He might change his mind but dont wait around for it. Move on and if he does change his mind and you still want to be together then go for it. You can even say to him that his words confuse you and you need to set boundaries what's appropriate.