Anyone else Non-Monogamous?

[corrda00]

My SO and I have been polyamorous for our whole relationship, which obviously makes the dynamic when we're apart different than most people.

Has anyone else here been in a similar boat? Either non-monogamous, open relationships etc? Did you do it specifically for the distance, or something you've always done? What was your experience having one of your main partners living abroad?

[differentcountries]

Hi,

the first 3,5 years of our international long distance relationship, we had a poly relationship. I travelled between countries to visit my boyfriend/SO. I was also living with my then husband and having an active romantic relationship with him. Sadly he decided to leave 5 months ago, but the premise for our relationship was always to live poly. So SO and I are in a bit of a weird place now that we are in a relationship with just the two of us for the first time. This was my first poly relationship - and it is his first romantic relationship.

My experience with having one of my partners living in another country and another parter living close distance/with me, is the challenges it presents in daily life with keeping in touch with both of them, as well as balance the needs of the close distance household with the time and money spent on visits and other things relation to the long distance relationship. In part we solved these challenges by my husband joining me on some of the visits, so it became a holiday for him as well, in addition to making it possible for the boys to meet. For a time (2 seasons), my SO and I rented together, this was when I had a chance to visit as often as once a month. The one time my SO was visiting in my country, he visited my husband and I, not just me. We had a small one bedroom flat but also rented a cheap hotel room and the boys took turns to stay there or I switched between them. The flat SO and I rented was a small two bedroom flat so we all stayed there and I went between bedrooms. One problem was that my SO was always working (they work 7 days a week here), but we still found time to go out for dinner all three of us and it was very nice.

Now that my ex has left the relationship, my SO is feeling some guilt but also mourns this change. On the other hand, my seperation and upcoming divorce makes it possible for SO and I to marry and hopefully close the distance within the next few years. This was something we had planned to be creative with and had contacted lawyers about since we failed to find him a work visa. You can't always plan life

[corrda00]

Thats true, I'm sorry to hear of your seperation but it seems like you're making it work!

Thanks for the advice on balencing home and far relationships, my situations a little different since one person I can't visit (and is gone temporarly). But overall how to balence communication.

[differentcountries]

As for communication in daily life, with us many things were related to our work scedules. For us, it meant that my boyfriend/SO often were working late. So often, I spent time with my husband in person earlier in the evening and then later on I would talk to SO for some time. I would also keep in touch with SO throughout the day, unless I was with friends, family or my husband - but I would usually tell him I was busy with this. Sometimes, I would just take 5 minutes to Skype with him wherever I was, or give him a quick phone call. If I was on a date with my husband in person, I would not text with SO, although if I was away on a weekend with him, I would still text SO at least once a day. I would sometimes send SO cards or packages, but would also give my husband presents or cards in person.

My husband would sometimes feel that SO got "all the good stuff", like romance and thoughfullness, and it is true that my husband had to take more of the daily grind, but SO of course got less in person sex, less dinners and breakfasts, less time with my family and friends etc etc. So they were both a bit frustrated in this sense of time management. But SO and the environment he is in, they are used to long distance relationships so it is not that unusual for him, but still. SO used to be upset that I got to sleep with my husband a lot (as in sleep, not sex) while he almost always had to sleep alone (except on my visits).

I used to have fears that something would happen to SO when I was not there, like he would get killed or hurt or damaged somehow. I guess that reflects long distance stress to some extent, but also I relate to the two men a bit differently. I feel very protective of SO in ways I were not of my husband (not that I dont care about him, I just did not feel need to protect, if anything it would be him protecting me). I think it was difficult for my husband sometimes that I loved and love SO differently - part of that is related to the fact that SO and I are both introverts while my ex is a (sensitive) extrovert. While SO would sometimes feel strange because my husband knew me so well since we had dated many years, and still got to live with me the majority of the time. I just tried to give each of them what they needed and what I was able to give.