Not comfortable with guy's new female "friend" -- how to approach this?

[mochabeans]

My boyfriend has a new girl "friend" I'm not comfortable with. To be clear, I'm comfortable with him having women friends (I love some of them, and they're amazing women), just not this one. I've done a lot of reading and thinking, but it's hard to get the long-distance perspective on an issue like this.

He met her recently through an online game we play together and she's clearly very interested in spending time with him and likes him a lot. They'll spend hours chatting together, although he never cuts into time with me. She doesn't do this for anyone else, just him.

She's coming into our lives at a time when I've been sick (migraines) and I fear not as much fun as I used to be. They barely know each other, but my boyfriend brought up the possibility of them meeting in Japan on his business trip later this month (she lives in Tokyo), which I said no to.

He tells me there's nothing going on between them, and I believe that there's nothing on his end, and that nothing is going on right now. But this looks very strange to me and like it could quickly become inappropriate.

Am I nuts? If not, how do I approach this? His other women friends are married and don't act like this.

[C.C.]

What are you afraid of? There are several cases. (might be something else too, I don't know, these are the ones I could think of)

• If you are anything like me, you might be afraid of the awkward situation where a woman makes a move on him or does something inappropriate and he realises it afterwards only. You might trust that he'll act properly then and keep boundaries but you might be afraid of him overlooking the signs before it. I feel like that's something that could happen to anyone and the only thing you can do in that situation is communicate (without confronting) about some signs you noticed. Then it's his choice if he thinks they are concerning as well or not. Meeting itself isn't scary in that case, meeting while he has zero suspicion and carefulness is. Basically if he trusts her too much. So all you can to do is communicate your worries and trust him to consider it and act appropriately.

• And the last one, are you afraid of your SO falling for her and her stealing him away? Not anything inappropriate and no cheating, just your boyfriend leaving you for her. Worrying about that is normal, often hints to insecurities but still normal. It's just something we shouldn't cloud our boyfriend's choices with and something we should deal with on our own. However, communicating that without confrontation and expressing that you understand that it's not something he has to deal with but to just understand your thoughts, would be fine.

• If you are afraid of her doing something and your boyfriend acting on it, then you need to trust your boyfriend. You need to understand that if he doesn't want to cheat, he won't be gulled into doing it. And if he wants to cheat, he will one way or another. Like, yes some situations could play a huge role into it but it really is that simple, if someone doesn't want to cheat, they won't. And if they did, then either something was wrong in your relationship or with them. I doubt it's this one from your post, though.

Either way, the only way you can do this is understand what you feel, then communicate things and explain it in a non-confrontative manner. Express that you won't get in the way of his freedom and respect his decisions and that you just want him to see your point of view as well. Also express that you trust him and understand that he wouldn't cheat. In case you discover that you don't trust him/have insecurities/etc, there's nothing wrong in it either, we are all humans, just try to work on yourself as well.

I hope this helps, best of luck :3

And no, you are not nuts even if you appear to be wrong, and these kind of situations are tricky enough already so nothing weird in worrying about them.

[hmrambling]

This thread is mostly about her, the new friend.

However your relationship is between you and him. Do you trust him? Has he given reason for you not to trust him? If you feel that he is bordering on being inappropriate, then open and clear communication is in order. Have the two of you discussed exclusivity?

[mochabeans]

We were exclusive... however the relationship is over as of today. He didn't want to go through with long-distance, felt he wasn't truly in love, and didn't want to keep leading me on, apparently.

I trusted him, I didn't trust her. She acts like how a girl acts when she's into a guy, and he was (hopefully) pretty oblivious to it.

Thanks everyone.

[Redheart14]

We were exclusive... however the relationship is over as of today. He didn't want to go through with long-distance, felt he wasn't truly in love, and didn't want to keep leading me on, apparently.

I trusted him, I didn't trust her. She acts like how a girl acts when she's into a guy, and he was (hopefully) pretty oblivious to it.

Thanks everyone.

So sorry to hear that

[mochabeans]

Well, now they can spend all the time together they want.

[erwin1973]

Well, now they can spend all the time together they want.

I'm sorry for you.

[Amaris]

I'm so sorry to hear it, it makes me mad that he freely can meet up with her now..

[erwin1973]

I'm so sorry to hear it, it makes me mad that he freely can meet up with her now..

I guess that was his intention...

[C.C.]

Awful awful situation. I am so sorry to hear about it.

That guy said no to having you and being with you. What else is there except for moving on? You deserve better.

[happygirl 1968]

I agree with you, sometimes you have to go with your gut....It is very hard when the distance is great. Hang in there, I am glad I found this site. I need the support because it is hard to not be with him.

[erwin1973]

I agree with you, sometimes you have to go with your gut....It is very hard when the distance is great. Hang in there, I am glad I found this site. I need the support because it is hard to not be with him.

In my opinion, he has not been honest with you. I think that he fell in love with this Tokyo-girl and left you for her. Yes, that is hard to realize. On the other hand, that means in would have never worked out between the two of you and probably this leaving from him has saved you from a lot of problems and insecurities in the future, like cancelled meetings, lies etcetera. It is hard to realize and of course it's okay to cry over it. Then get over it, pick up your life (easier said than done, I know) and when you're ready, date again.

[C.C.]

Erwin, I think you got the wrong quote ;D

[5518MilesApart]

You deserve so much more.

[erwin1973]

Erwin, I think you got the wrong quote ;D

I guess you're right. Oops...