Hiding the love of my life

[jttrantow]

I am currently in a long distance relationship with the love of my life. My family is not supportive of my relationship and I have to hide my feelings for her constantly, I really need some advice on what to do. I respect my family and I want to share this part of me with them, but if I didn't have my girlfriend I wouldn't be able to manage life. Without her, I would be nothing. My family doesn't believe that I'm truly in love, but I know for a fact that I am. I cannot lose her, she has told me she will stay with me no matter what. She's coming down here next summer to meet me. We've sent each other gift, like our sweatshirts and we both have promise rings. We've been in a relationship now for a little over two months, I know that's not long, but I've never doubted my feelings for her once. Any advice on what I should do, please help me figure out some way to be with her openly. thank you.

[erwin1973]

Hi and welcome.

That situation sucks. You're young, I'm about 3 times your age. Yet I am in almost the same situation - although I don't have to listen to my parents, since the word goes I'm an adult. But I told my family too about my love, just close to oa year ago. They don't want to hear a single word about it. It is hard to not be able to share your feelings, great feelings, with the people that are important to you. The only family member I can share it with, is my 96 year old grandmother. And a good friend of mine happens to be supportive. For the rest they are all negative about it.

Sadly, that is a side-effect of being in a long distance relationship. People often say it can't happen, will never work, or tell you to be very very cautious. Scammers, is an often used word. Sadly, you can do nothing about it. Usually the only people to understand how it feels, is other people that are in a long distance relationship.

I'm sorry that I cannot offer you any advice, but to keep it for yourself. The only problem you'll have is when you want to meet her, because I guess being a minor, means you need permission to travel.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this situation. And not to dramatize, but my lady has been a life-saver for me, too. So yes, I understand what you mean.

I wish you all the best, make it work.

[kittyo9]

First of all, welcome to the forum! This is a safe place for you to discuss your relationship, and I hope you will find it useful.

Now, I am going to be honest and straightforward with you, and I speak to you as someone who has had the fortune of having a decade to reflect on her teenage years: you are really young. It might not feel like it right now, but you are. I'm sure your parents have said this to you as well, and I'm sorry to repeat it to you. Not only that, but your relationship is really young. You haven't had time to pass through the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship, or even the first 6-8 months of your relationship (about the time it takes for the initial excitement to wear off) and you lack the experience to pick out and address things in the relationship early on that may become detrimental over time. You are at a point in your life where your brain is still developing and undergoing significant changes, and you are not yet fully capable of comprehending consequence and the long-term impact of your decisions. It's too early, both in your relationship and in your life, to be deciding that she is the one.

I say all this not to insult you or suggest that you break up, but simply to explain to you why many of us (as well as your parents) will feel that you are rushing into things. I know that you feel like you are in love, that things are amazing, that this is it and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person-- and far be it from me to tell you otherwise-- but keep in mind that you are currently experiencing a rush of hormones (dopamine, norepinephrine, and adrenaline, among others) that are influencing the way you feel and perceive things and that will change and fade over time. A relationship requires working past this spike in feel-good chemical activity in order to create a sustainable and lasting love.

Furthermore,

...but if I didn't have my girlfriend I wouldn't be able to manage life. Without her, I would be nothing.

this is not a healthy way to live. You should not be dependent on your partner to "manage life." That is your responsibility, and nobody else's, save for your parents (until you are an adult). You should be a fully formed, functional person regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. Make sure you're still taking time to be yourself and follow your own interests independent of your relationship.

Taking all of this into account and referring back to the original purpose of this post, I suggest that you try to show your parents that you understand their concerns but continue (slowly) with your relationship. Tell your parents that you want to see if things will work out, but not that this is the "love of your life." Ask them to respect your relationship and let you explore your feelings, but also be cautious, yourself. Make sure you take time to work on your own things and let your parents see that your relationship is enhancing your life, not hindering it (for example, your grades dropping, not sleeping enough, or quitting clubs/activities). Take care of yourself first.