Should I tell him?

[Reyhoney]

I met this man online 6 months ago, we’ve never met but we’ve texted, talked on the phone and video chatted pretty consistently. He’s in Europe, I’m in North America.

He’s shy and not too expressive with words, although at times it comes out and it surprises me how emotional he is. I see it mostly on video chat, that’s when he’s most tender. He says he’s better expressing himself in person physically.

I’ve fallen for him and I want to tell him I love him but I’m not sure if I should. I don’t know if he feels the same, and I don’t want to scare him away or change the dynamic of the relationship.

I feel like we are at this point where this topic should come up, right? Otherwise is it a waste of time and I should pursue someone else much closer?

I’m lost.

[erwin1973]

What you could do, but I'm not the best in this, is build it up slowly. Tell him you like him, then see how he reacts. Then go as step further - later, not the same day - that you really like him. Or ask him about his future plans and if you have a chance to be in those plans.
May be others have better ideas.
Good luck.

[Reyhoney]

We constantly tell each other we like one another, he always says he cares a lot about me, and how I mean a lot to him and how all of this means something special to him that he takes seriously.

So I guess saying I like him a lot wouldn’t even register with him as anything new.

[ThePhoenixRises]

I don't think it is a bad idea to tell him that you are falling for him, but I really think it is important that you can start to plan an actual meeting. You can tell him you love him, and he can tell you that he loves you, but really you will have to meet before you can know this for sure. I felt I loved my SO before meeting him, and yes, the words were exchanged but I was nervous about meeting, because what if the the online 'love' didn't translate to the real thing, or what if the chemistry wasn't there? I am not saying that this will happen - but it can happen. I would lead up to it by saying to him in an open and honest way that you are finding yourself falling for him, and is there a way that you can start planning to meet in real life so that you can see how these feelings progress. Has he indicated that he wants to meet you as yet? I know that you have talked in other posts about it, but it seems that nothing has been set yet? I think it is very important to meet before getting wrapped up in the 'I love you's'...or to at least have some firm idea of when you will possibly meet.

[Reyhoney]

Thank you for remembering me! I appreciate that.

About a week ago I almost pulled the plug on this thing, I felt like I have no idea where he stands and that he isn’t taking this somewhere and it was starting to really feel daunting. I told him and he admitted that it’s still hard to commit (understandable, I’m not asking for any promises at this phase) but at least commit to us meeting. He must have sensed I was really serious about calling it quits cause he changed overnight almost. He was starting to bring up meeting himself and started asking some serious practical questions about meeting. He was calling me everyday after this for two hours each time.

He still hasn’t said when though, which still upsets me, but I’m not sure what to do. I know he wants to meet me, I know he’s a serious stable guy, but I’m not understanding why he hasn’t made any real plans.

I’m getting the feeling though like it has hit him that if he doesn’t do something, he’ll lose me.

[Pnbenn18]

I personally think you should tell him! Even if he's not feeling the same, would you rather know now when it's a bit easier to break away then another 6 months down the road when you've possibly fallen deeper? for me personally it would shatter my world, I think setting a standard for what you want and saying how you feel is best, he may surprise you! Ultimately it's up to you, I would at least try to build up to speaking about it, never know, he could be feeling the very same way you are and just doesn't know how, or if he should tell you!

[Reyhoney]

You’re very very right and that’s a good way to see it, he is so shy. He always says he doesn’t want to scare me away cause I do have a history of scaring away easily.

But I guess if he’s not feeling at least the potential for love now, he may never? I may as well find out now.

I understand the chemistry may not be there when we meet, but I think the chances are so slim since I feel like just being able to touch would make this so perfect.

Is there a good way to tell him? I’m not sure how to say this not face to face. I feel like I should do it by phone? Or cam? I don’t want to just text it all cold.

How should I even prepare him? I think I need to ease him into it? Like not just blurt it out talking about what we had for dinner.

[Pnbenn18]

Maybe not blurt out all feelings over dinner convo at once, instead maybe just asking him simply "can we have a conversation?" And then when you both have time, have that conversation. I would be open to anything. Don't get your hopes up but don't completely shoot them all down either if that makes sense?

[ThePhoenixRises]

I agree that you do need to have the conversation and it is great that he has started seriously talking about meeting. My guy and I talked about meeting for a while but we had no set date. This was okay, because as long as we were talking about it, I knew eventually it would happen. We both had to fit in with our work schedules, family stuff etc too.

I would definitely try to have the conversation about the feelings on a video chat or at the very least a phonecall (I am much better at being open and forthcoming if I am on an actual cam chat - for some reason it is easier for me to talk this way).

I also agree with Pnbenn in relation to knowing sooner rather than later about his feelings, and yours, before you invest too many feelings and too much time into this. But as I said in my previous post, there really is no way of knowing exactly the kind of feelings and love until you physically meet. The physical side is important too. I was terrified of meeting my guy and finding that we weren't attracted or had no chemistry - but to tell you a positive story - when I met him, the feelings from the online relationship translated completely to the real life meeting, it was even better than I could imagine.

I think if you spend so long chatting with someone and getting to know them, and finding that you are a great match in this way - that is half the battle won. The rest happens when you meet. I would continue talking with him, perhaps not constantly bring up the part about meeting, but say in a month or so if he hasn't committed to some kind of plan for meeting, perhaps bring that up again. Don't pester him, but you are important too, and it is important for you to have a plan to meet so that you can possibly start to plan your future.

[Redheart14]

If you are constantly going to wonder/ or regret not telling him, just tell him. At least you'd know and you wouldn't always wonder what if I had.

[Reyhoney]

So he hasn’t texted me all yesterday or today. I’m not sure what his intentions are cause his actions and his words don’t match.

I’m not sure how serious he is about this. Whenever I tried to end it he’s always fought me on it saying he wants to keep going.

I’m not saying he should commit to me and declare his ever lasting love now but this also sucks and doesn’t make me feel secure or have faith in him.

He told me he talked to a girl at a bar on Friday, he said it was just a friendly talk cause his friend was talking to her friend. I think it’s good he told me, but should that worry me? Him talking to girls at bars?

[MushuChicken]

So, here is my 2 cents.

Do you have solid plans to meet in the near future? Shy/nervous guys are so tricky...the slightest things can set them off. Even I don't have it figured out. If you do have plans to meet, I would wait till then. He has already told you is more of an "in person" kind of person. While telling him over the phone or webcam or texting may not scare him away...if he is sensitive, it could. Consider this a sacrifice you are making for him. You want to spill your guts about how much you love him, because it makes you feel good. Maybe he reciprocates, which would make you feel good. Trust me, I have been there. But, this time, don't think about what makes you feel good, but what would be easiest for him. Maybe this means suffering in silence for a little while. But, if you truly love him, you can do it.

Now, if there are no plans in the near future...then I think you need to do some soul searching on that. You may need to let him know where you stand, so you guys can hash things out. Believe you me, I know how tough the whole, "I prefer to communicate in person" guy can be. I would say maybe...before dropping the L word on him...if there aren't any immediate plans, maybe you can just feel him out on exclusivity. If he is willing to be exclusive, that is a good stepping stone to the love conversation.

[Reyhoney]

You made some really good points. I do want to get exclusive, even though the situation isn’t all perfect but when is it ever really perfect?

I got the feeling that he isn’t willing to commit or be exclusive until we meet, and at the same time he isn’t really making it happen and I don’t know why. He’s 32 and has a good stable job. He can afford it. He’s from Sweden so it’s not like a visa issue. I don’t know why he’s dragging his feet.

I feel like I’m at a point that I need more than “I like you, we’ll meet oneday.”. Am I being unreasonable to want this?

Last time this conversation happened was in June, and I think I kind of pressured him and he was about to book tickets cause he felt he would lose me if he didn’t. I ended up telling him we can wait if he’s uncomfortable with it cause I didn’t want to force him.

I know many couples on here haven’t met even after talking for two years, but they’ve shared I love yous or talked about exclusivity, and I feel like I’m not getting anything solid with him. I’m so dissapointed cause he seemed like the man who I could rely on to take it to the next level.

[MushuChicken]

I completely understand that.

But, it does no good to compare to other people and others' experiences. Men, like all people, are different. And, the shy, sensitive ones are definitely a different situation altogether. Yes, we all see the dream scenarios...where the two people profess their love, and meet in a crowded airport, and kiss and it is perfect from Day 1.

But, having read this forum, I can tell you there are a number of people who met their SO, without committing first. They met as "just friends" or at the very least, didn't put a label on things till they met, and often times, when they met, the chemistry translated in person. No, it's not the "dream scenario," but it happens. So, again....don't compare your situation to others. It will only make you heartsick.

June...that means it has been 3 months. I think you would be more than fair to just say, "Hey, do you think you might be able to come visit anytime soon?" or something far more eloquent. That's the first step. Then, you can decide on commitment. Then, maybe the love thing may come up. But, first step is seeing how serious he is on visiting, and how soon. Could you guys maybe meet somewhere instead? Maybe he would feel more comfortable if you guys were on neutral ground?

[Reyhoney]

Yea, every relationship and situation is so different! I haven’t mentioned all the details about ours either, so there are many more variables. I’ve kids and maybe he feels like I can’t make the time for him? I told him I would be able to cause their dad would have them.

We have agreed to meet in my country but another state that he has been wanting to go to. So he’ll still have to travel to me, but we’d be somewhere neutral. We’d both be tourists.

I’ve brushed over him coming a few times since June (although June was the most I pushed cause I was feeling like it has to happen) and he said he’d try to come end of September. Well, here we are and still nothing.

Maybe he’s just flaky and wants it but not that bad? I feel torn cause he says he can’t commit yet until we meet, but yet we still haven’t met so I’m just hanging here. Should I have one foot out the door?

I love him, but I wonder if I got myself into something I don’t know how to handle.