Please Help. I don't know what to do.

[VFNDA]

Hi everyone,

First time user, and I'm at a loss of what to do.

I've been dating a girl who lives 400 miles away for about 11 months. 6 months in, we agreed to be exclusive (my girlfriend), and everything was going amazingly. We both have very challenging careers and I thought we understood that. We would see each other about 2 times a month and talk about our futures and her moving to my city. Then 4 months ago, we talked about her pursuing an educational opportunity in her city. I didn't want her to, but I wanted to support her with her ambitions and didn't want her to "regret" anything in this relationship. So I told her to pursue the program and she did.

2 months ago we went on an Europe trip for about 3 weeks. There was a red flag here that I decided to ignore, hoping that it would be fine. The red flag was that I thought we would go dutch on the expenses for the trip - however, citing what her exs did, she threw a fuss that I should pay for the expenses. I explained that while I have a good income, I do not have enough to support a rather expensive vacation. Her response was that we can go do things that weren't as amazing... I decided to bite, hoping that this would fast track us in our relationship.

Europe was 90% great. I brought up money a few times (especially since she was inquiring about me buying her a Chanel handbag and comparing me to how her exs would do that in a heartbeat), including at the beginning where I told her that I don't have the expenses to buy expensive presents. Even then she persisted a few times during the trip. Ultimately, in the last day, we got into an argument because I felt that I was guilt tripped into buying her an expensive coat. On our way back in the plane, we made up and it was fine.

We almost regularly see each other every 3 weeks. But in the last 3 weeks, she has been informing me that she felt neglected. I have a fairly busy life, with my demanding job and keeping my current relationships with my friends. We text every day and call every other day. Admittedly I've been tired recently and I've told her that - she mentioned that we don't have meaningful conversations at night because it is right before I go to sleep and she feels that I'm not paying attention. We talked about this about two weeks ago, and I told her that I see a future in us, that yes I'm tired but I try to keep in touch with her. We've had this discussion twice more because she feels that there hasn't been any progress to remedy this feeling and, at this junction, she feels that I'm just words and not "action." We agreed that we would speak earlier instead and that I would carve out time to talk to her this last Thursday. Friday went well. Saturday I went to Vegas (which I told her about weeks earlier) due to a promise I made a really good friend. There I called her in the evening, but it was really loud and I think she was disappointed.

We had a really big fight last night. It was supposed to be a "meaningful conversation", but she brought up that my priorities weren't her. I told her that it's hard to action how I feel about her and having her as my priority in my daily life because she's physically not there ... so I have to fill that void with living my life the way that I want to. We got into further arguments about what it means to be in a relationship (I told her that we are adding to each other's lives and she said it was more a reaction / action), and we got into a hypothetical that if we were married and living together, what would each of us do if the other went on a month long work trip (I told her that I would catch up with friends since she wasn't there and there would be a void, and she said that she would be focusing on doing stuff for us ... I'm not sure what that means). Then things careened out of control and I brought up the fact that I felt that she was comparing me to her exs. She took it horribly - she mentioned that we have this problem with neglect already, so why am I bringing up new issues?

I'm having such a hard time with long distance. On one hand, I think about her all the time and text her. On the other hand, I've always been of the belief that I should be supporting her in all she does and vice versa, and that it was joining our lives rather than supplanting our lives with other activities. And because she's not around, it makes it more difficult to really put her front in my life as far as action items. I can't do anything with her, so what else am I supposed to do to show her that she really matters to me?

I don't know if this has ended already, as she won't even talk to me anymore. We're supposed to meet in a week, but I think she might cancel it.

Please help.

[erwin1973]

What I see, is that she is misusing her exes to get from you what she wants. My first reaction was - and would be in real life: "Why didn't you stay with your ex, then?" Might sounds harsh, but you are you. You are not one of these 'exes' she refers to very time.
Also, it is quite humiliating to do that every time. Especially when she makes you feel the lesser one - the one she says she loves. I see that not as a red flag. I see that as a complete dealbreaker. If you are happier with another, go. Bye.
Again, sorry if I am harsh, but it sounds like too many red flags - and worse - to me. If she is like that now, it will only get worse if you ever decide to close the distance.
About the fight... even if you're not together, you can still make her a priority. On the other hand, she accuses you from compering yourself to her exes? Like you all know them? And after what she did at the trip?
I'm not sure about cancelling the trip, but I would say: if she is not talking to you now, why would she when you're there?
Sorry that I don't have any positive news, but as I see she is not the one for you. She might be emotionally abusing you and you have let it happen. You didn't set your boundaries when you had to and now she knows how to overstep them every time (been there, done that - on your side of the relationship).
I can't decide for you what to do. But it takes two to make a relationship work, and it looks to my you're both operating on a very different level.
I wish you lots of wisdom and strength.

[Reyhoney]

It seems to me like you are doing the best you can in a challenging LDR and she can’t deal with the distance. She’s probably really frustrated by the distance and taking it out on you, but you are right, there’s only so much you CAN do now. But you’re making the time for her and that’s important.

The part that really bugged me is her treatment to you, financially. She’s treating you like a sugar daddy and asking you for unreasonable gifts. I don’t mind helping out my partner if they needed money cause I would want them to do good and be alright, but a channel bag and expensive coat and vacations aren’t what I would think of as “necessities”.

I’m not sure that you’re a good fit, because she isn’t being understanding or considerate to what you can and can not do.

My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice, other than you need to do what’s ultimately right for you. I believe you’ve been trying and you’ve put her needs first, but she’s not doing the same.

[R&R]

Erwin and Rey are both right. This is not a good or healthy relationship. Someone who guilts you and manipulates you does not love you. A relationship has both parties wanting to give to each other and work together. If she has ended it, consider yourself lucky and that you got out of it with only paying for one vacation, a bag and a coat.