How to cope with feeling lonely and sad

[LMarsden]

Hello again!

So I have days where I really struggle with my relationship. Not through any fault of my SO, but I just focus on the negative of being separated by thousands of miles, rather than the positive of having someone who loves me and wants too put in the effort of loving me from the other side of the world.

And recently I have felt very lonely and helpless because I have focussed on these negatives. I'm coming up too quite a significant birthday and I'm on the other side of the world with no family, just a handful of friends. And I just feel deflated and sad that the one person I love and want too be with I unfortunately can't get too.

I must stress that my SO is amazing. And we talk about anything and everything and he's always asking me how he can be better and vice versa.

But yeah, I just wondered if anyone else gets like this and how they cope with it 😊

Thanks for your time!

[Missy Meow]

Hi

I definitely get what you are talking about; there are just random days when I feel completely sad and lethargic because there's an ocean separating me and my SO, while everyone else my age is all getting married to someone they met in town and blasting the news on Facebook. Some days are just going to be naturally unhappy days, and you just have to let them pass. Helplessness is inevitable and comes hand-in-hand with the loneliness, because I didn't choose the location of the Atlantic Ocean and neither did my SO, and I can't change it. It's hard to think positively sometimes because the whole situation can feel really heavy and sneak up on you when you least expect it. On those extra bad days, if I see other couples out having a date, I start feeling even more sad and sometimes even angry. I've had my fair amount of spoiled-brat tantrums over the distance, over jealousy of other non-LDR couples, and just because I felt like life was unfair, and all I can say is that I did it to myself, and my SO should be a saint for tolerating it.

We are all hard-wired to pick out the negatives in life; ever notice how you might get 10 compliments, but 1 harsh critique or mean comment can suddenly overshadow all of the compliments and is the one that sticks in your mind? I'd like to think that this is similar to what we go through when we can only focus on the negatives in regards to a LDR. The only way I've somewhat coped with it (I say somewhat because I'm no expert) is to actively realize that you are deliberately picking out the negatives. I sometimes like to make a mental list of all the good things to try to counter the bad, otherwise my negativity knows no bounds and will eat me up. Instead of thinking how far away he is or how he isn't here, maybe look forward or even plan your next visit or what you will do together once you can close the distance. Remind yourself how good he is to you, and remind yourself that it takes a lot of effort to be in a LDR and someone thinks you're worth it! As for celebrating milestones/birthdays together, it will be difficult, but try to enjoy yourself with your friends if you can. Perhaps arrange an extra long phone or video call on that day with your SO to make it seem like he is at least a part of your day. My birthday was in June and my SO and I spent a few hours watching TV shows over Skype, and that made it slightly easier. Look forward to the milestones that you will be able to celebrate together in the future. Feeling sad is inevitable because we're all humans, and even the strongest people will have days where they just feel down. Just keep open communication with your SO, talk to him about it, and maybe let him reassure you about it if you ever feel particularly lonely!

Oh, and if push comes to shove, maybe tell yourself that everything could be a lot worse to remind yourself how lucky you are (that is my go-to pep talk for bad days, both for myself and other people). "Boyfriend far away? It could be a lot worse! He could be far away AND be this smelly, ugly, revolting lopsided blob of a man, morbidly obese and streaming bad games all day in his mom's basement, and is a relentless selfish creep who squirts ketchup onto his fries instead of dipping them like a civilized person!" Exaggerate! Make yourself really grateful!

Good luck, and I hope you feel better about it soon!

[R&R]

I think if you look through the boards, you will find this is a common theme and there are lot of ideas already out there addressing this.

The best things you'll find will be to keep busy, start a new hobby, take a class, spend time with friends, read a good book that keeps your attention, etc. Keeping a journal can also help. Every day, start it with a positive thought about not just the relationship or your SO but about you or other things going on in your life. You can't let your relationship become your main focus as it really is only one part of who you are.

[LMarsden]

Thank you for taking the time too write that! It's appreciated. Feeling better already! 😊

[LMarsden]

Thanks for the advice 😊

[hmrambling]

Here is advice from my own experience that I offer to folks who get caught up in waiting for the next text from their partner:

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have family? If yes, spend time with them.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships so that you will be knowledgeable about how relationships grow.
Exercised today? If not, go for a walk or jog or bike ride. Get active.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

Be a whole person so that you can be a whole person in a relationship. Become a priority and have a great relationship with yourself. Do not rely on your partner to complete you. Be a complete person whose partner is a positive addition to your life.