My relationship crumbled before my eyes

[Kareem]

Hi my name is Kareem. About a year and a half ago I met the woman who would become my girlfriend on Tumblr. We’ve been dating for about a year. I live in New Jersey and she lives in Ontario Canada, we thought because the commute was so short things would be easy. I’ve seen her 4 separate times this year for about a grand total of 30 days and planned on more! We had such a great relationship and I really do love her. This past August she got a job work from 1pm to 9pm. The problem is a work overnight so our communication really suffered. Earlier this month she decided to end things because we began not talk much and being that she’s Canadian it’s really hard to plan a future together. I pleaded with her because I know she loves me back but she thought this was best. We still talk and I know if there was a solution we would come back to each other. I guess I’m writing this to ask is there anyway I can fix this or did our relationship really come to a close.

[hmrambling]

I encourage you to respect her decision and give her time and space. If she wants to contact you, she will. I also encourage you to work on a relationship autopsy so that you can learn from the relationship. Relationship autopsy: https://members.lovingfromadistance....e-relationship

[Kareem]

Can someone help me? How do you handle the pain? It’s so hard, I thought I was going about things the right way

[butterflies09]

Dear Kareem,
I've been in your position and I can feel the pain. It is seriously bad. Thing is that the culprit here is hope. When I broke up with my ex he told me he would get some time to think and find a solution etc... Well, as you see I'm referring to him as my ex and I tell you that it's been a year and he still hasn't contacted. I know this might seem quite controversial as many people support that you should respect the time she asked for and stuff but hey, thing is that before everything and everyone else you should support and love yourself. And if you do so, you shouldn't be putting yourself in such a challenging situation. Let it go, find a hobby or engage in stuff that make you happy and there you are. Truth is that it's going to take quite a bit of time but remember it will be worth it mainly because you won't be in pain. Just let it be. Also, what helped me was meditation especially when I was feeling so bad I just couldn't take more.

Hope this helps!

[Kareem]

It’s been a little over a month and I’ve been feeling better. There’s days when it still hurts and I feel really sad but there’s been progress. It has made me question things. Do ldr work? What’s the point of being attached to anyone or anything if it only takes a second to be gone? I have more questions than answers and I honestly wonder did she care as much as I did, did she cherish our relationship like she said she did.

[erwin1973]

LDRs can work out or fail, just as CD relationships. Though both have to be stronger. I have been married for over 10 years with my first LDR. Also in a CDR things can go wrong. Also in a CDR people can change their minds, fall out of love, or anything. That has nothing to do with LDR or CDR, in my humble opinion.
Stay strong.

[Kareem]

I talked to her this week. Honestly we’ve been talking off and on since everything happened. She says she still loves me and she always checks my social media’s. I wrote her a letter awhile back and she thinks we can be great friends like before we were dating. Is that possible? She was my best friend before anything but I’ll always have some sort of romantic feelings for her. Is it okay even while moving on and trying to improve myself that deep down I still want to be with her?

[erwin1973]

If you are able to, it is possible. But it is very difficult, in my opinion, to be 'just friends' with your former partner. Everyone is different. It will probably be hard.

I wish you luck.

[Fedorya]

Does LDR can work...
I will answer by a perfect exemple...
Me.

I was in a relationship for 1 year with my SO.
And it was pure love.
It was her first LDR but not for me, so i used my past failed experience to make this one work.

She was in Indonesia. I was in france.
11 000km between us and 6 hours between us.

I am christian and she is muslim.

In a word a very hard LDR.

We agreed that i will be the one to visit. She wanted to come see me but france indonesia is more realist on a finance level than an indonesian going to france (currency strengh and monthly gain).

Let me tell you it was hard. First muslims are not very well seen in europe (because peoples don't know them aside from the news at TV who give them a false bad image). So my parents went colds.
After months of calm talks. Seeing how happy i am. And videocalling with my SO they saw what greet girl she is.

First visit : she immediatly bring me to her family (i had talked to them through videocall.)
I was adopted very fast.
It lasted 3 weeks.

Second visit : 1 months. I rented an apartemen not far from her home.
We spend incredible time. And her parents was finding any excuse to visit me and spend time with me.

Third and last visit : for a lifetime.
Nowaday we are preparing our wedding next year. We have blessing of our families.
Strong love. Hapiness...

So even if its difficult LDR do work.
You just need to find the right SO and avoid the traps.
If you fail its not bad. You can use the experience to make the next one better.
Of course lets be realistic. If you are not a full fledged adult in your mind. Do not have steady income and stable life... it will be very hard.

[Kareem]

Today I found out from my ex that she doesn’t want a relationship with me at all. She said months before us breaking up she just wasn’t happy because of multiple things. She’s been going on dates, seeing other people casually she says. It hurt me so bad hearing that and I know no one wants to be sad at home but idk. I loved her with everything I had and this has been crushing. She wants to be my friend and idk if I can do that. I always check her social media but if she’s dating I probably shouldn’t be doing that. I wish this didn’t hurt so badly. I want to feel better but idk how. I want to stop checking but idk how. I need help because I still feel like I did months ago

[erwin1973]

When you can't be ''just friends'' then simply don't. Sometimes it's easier to break up and go on with your life. If you can't then don't. It's that simple.
Just get her out of your life and stop hurting yourself. Be strong.

[Elzah]

Hello there,
I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm sorry that it hurts so much

If you do still love her, I think staying friends is not good idea for now. It would only bring you more pain, and you don't need or deserve that. To get over it, you need to focus on yourself, and take distance. I know it's hard but you need to protect yourself, and it implies to stop talking to her (if you still do) until you feel better at least, and to stop "stalking" her on social medias. If you can't help it, I would recommend to temporary block her to avoid any temptation.
Also, distract yourself, focus on what you like, your hobbies, your studies (how fun! Right ?) go out with your friends, try to have fun. Avoid self torture thinking about her with someone else or stuff, it's pointless. Really focus on yourself, it's important.

I hope it helped you a bit,
I know it's hard, but it will get better, it always does, be strong.

[Kareem]

I really really appreciate all the kind words and advice from everyone it’s been the only place where I feel like people understand what I’m feeling. I’ve blocked her unfollowed her on everything, it still hurts so bad. I just don’t understand I would’ve done anything for her I love her so much why would she do this. Why is she dating so she can “get out the house” and I’m here crying over her I don’t understand. Everything I loved doing doesn’t feel the same everything feels meaningless I miss her so much and why does she want to be her friend? How can she expect me to just be a friend when I loved her with every part of me

[Elzah]

You removed her from your social medias, it's already a big step and it's a good thing for you.

I know what you feel, the incomprehension and the injustice in front of the fact you love her with all your being and that it's not mutual. The feeling to have lost a part of you, the pain from the fact she doesn't seem to even imagine how hurting it is when she asks to be your friend. All of this is terribly tough, but your life is not going to stop because of a girl, no matter how much you loved her. You're strong, and, it might take time, but you'll get over her.

Maybe she wants to be your friends because she likes you as a person and doesn't want to lose you, but as long as you have feelings for her, that friendship is only a source of pain for you.

As I suggested earlier, focus on yourself, do things you enjoy. You might have to force yourself first, but then it will get better and you'll succeed to get all of this out of your mind for a certain time, that will get longer and longer until the day it won't hurt anymore.

Be strong, you have our support

[erwin1973]

I have nothing to add to what Elzah said. She said it all.

Be strong, it might take a while but you will get over her. Take your time, but be strong.