Meeting parents

[Onlineguy84]

Hi
Me and my SO havent met yet, she was suppossed to come for a week las week but something from her work got in the way. So ill be going to visit her in 19 days.
The thing is that today she told me she will call me so i can also say hi to her parents and he also told me she want me to introduce me to her parents when i visit. I dont know if shes bluffing or anything but for me that sounds like a big thing. What you get out of that? she is form belarus so I dont know if there is a common thing to introduce friends or whatever to the family if anyone have any experience please let me know.

[Rezie]

I don't know your history but meeting parents can mean different things to different people. you think it's a big deal. she might just think that it would be nice. Don't read too much into it. Just say hi and meet them. be yourself, friendly and polite.

[erwin1973]

In the countries in Eastern Europe (my ex-wife is from Ukraine - I have no idea where you're from) the family is much more important than in the so-called 'modern' western countries as the States and Western Europe. It might just be for her parents to see who you are and get aquinted and nothing more than that. My ex-wife did the same the first time we met. Was no big deal. Prepare for a good meal, btw, when you meet her parents. Don't eat too much before you see them. You'll get stuffed.

[Onlineguy84]

thanks for the advice
yeah thats what i thought because in the western world meeting the parents can be a big deal
any advice Erwin since you know how this things go

[erwin1973]

The best advice I can give is just let it happen to you. Be polite, don't ask too bold questions, and eat what you're given. My favorite was pel'meniy (пельмени).

Just enjoy, you'll probably be treaten as a king. The more familiair you get with them, the more they're going to see you as a member of the family. BTW I was only 2 years younger than you when I first met my now ex-wife.

[Onlineguy84]

thanks for the advice
Yesterday we had an argument so i didn't get to see her parents on the phone. i feel a lack of communication on her side lately... maybe it has to do that we are supposed to meet in less than 3 weeks don't know but it maybe me feel not a priority.
so thats, where we are now lets, see how it goes.

[erwin1973]

A fight isn't the end of the world, nor should it be the end of a relationship. As long as you make up again and as long as it doesn't happen too often. A relationship without arguments is a relationship with secrets.

[Onlineguy84]

Hi Erwin one question how did you call your mother in-law? My so tell me I can call her mother mama. But that sounds a little weird since it's the first time I will meet them

[erwin1973]

Hi Erwin one question how did you call your mother in-law? My so tell me I can call her mother mama. But that sounds a little weird since it's the first time I will meet them

Seems like she is very sure about the two of you. Yes, you can call her 'mama'. Belarus, right? 'Mama' is good in any language, btw. When I met my future mother-in-law for the first time, it was the third day I met my then-future-wife. I didn't speak Russian (nor Ukrainian) and 'mama' didn't speak English, so all communication went by my SO at the time. By the end of the day, I called her 'mama'. I know it sounds strange to us, but there it's pretty normal. And as I said, your girl is pretty sure about the two of you. Keep her.

[Lio]

I also wondered how to call the parents of my girlfriend. But I'm fine with calling them eomma (mom) and abba (dad). My girlfriend calls my parents by their names and it's totally fine - they didn't want her to call them madame, monsieur.

[Rezie]

we all call by the first name. my parents said that they would feel disrespectful towards their son-in-law and daughter-in-laws parents to ask them to call my parents mom/dad or any variation. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling my partners father "dad". to be fair it's rarely necessary to call anyone by any name. I find it annoying when people repeat names in conversation for no reason.

[erwin1973]

we all call by the first name. my parents said that they would feel disrespectful towards their son-in-law and daughter-in-laws parents to ask them to call my parents mom/dad or any variation. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling my partners father "dad". to be fair it's rarely necessary to call anyone by any name. I find it annoying when people repeat names in conversation for no reason.

It is not disrespectful in some cultures. In some cultures it is disrespectful to not do that. It may sound disrespectful to you, but that doesn't mean it is. Different people, different ways. And if you love your SO, in some things you should give in - especially when visiting and honouring their ways of doing things. If you stick to your own ways, you might offend people and loose your SO.

I think it's great that OP's SO is so confident that her mother wants OP to call him 'mom'. BTW my mother (Dutch) called her parents-in-law also mom and dad. That is a way of showing respect and of acceptance. You do not intend to call your mother in law 'mrs [whateverhernameis]', I hope? To me, that would be disrespectful. But as I say, different people, different ways.

I would never dream of calling my parents-in-law by their first name, unless they specifically ask me to.

Again, don't judge to hard. What may be disrespectful to you, might be a great honour to someone else, and vice versa.

I also wondered how to call the parents of my girlfriend. But I'm fine with calling them eomma (mom) and abba (dad). My girlfriend calls my parents by their names and it's totally fine - they didn't want her to call them madame, monsieur.

If you want to know, ask your lady. My parents-in-law like to call me mom and dad, and I am fine with that.

[Rezie]

Again, don't judge to hard. What may be disrespectful to you, might be a great honour to someone else, and vice versa.

I wasn't being judgemental. I was merely sharing my own experience. I don't feel it's disrespecful. My parents thinks it would be disrespectful to my SO's parents if they insisted on be called "mom" and "dad". Not an universal opinion, just sharing how they feel. I do appreciate that people do things differently than my family or my SO's family. I'm not under assumption that my way is the ultimate truth. People can call their in-laws however they like and if everyone is ok with "mom" and "dad" then that's great. Just sharing an unsolicite comment to the topic at hand.

My advice to the OP and Lio wuld be that when you are introduced use the name they give. If she says "Hello, I'm Mrs. Smith" then call her Mrs. Smith". if she says "I'm Mary" then call her Mary. If she says "I'm Mary but you can call me mama" then call her mama.

If you are not comfortable calling her mama (on the first visit or late)personally I think that it is ok. You can not call by any name since the likelyhood of you needing to address her with any name is unlikely or you can say "Would it be ok to call you Mary for now?". I do understand that it might be considered rude but I think personal comfort is also important and in-laws also have to understand that you are from a different culture. Obviously, if it's super important to you SO or her family then you adjust according to your comfort level.

[C.C.]

You do not intend to call your mother in law 'mrs [whateverhernameis]', I hope? To me, that would be disrespectful. But as I say, different people, different ways.

I would never dream of calling my parents-in-law by their first name, unless they specifically ask me to.

I plan calling M's parents by their first names and I know that's what they'd find the most comfortable.

Here it's much "easier". You just use specific language when speaking politely (unless someone asks specifically not to do it), so you don't have to bother with name thing as long as you keep that. But since it's language specific thing, can't be applied to English AND I always feel weird when I have to say "you" to someone whom I am trying to speak politely, it just feels so wrong, EVEN IF I am referring to them by first name in general.

So, yeah there's so much cultural difference about this topic.

[erwin1973]

I wasn't being judgemental. I was merely sharing my own experience. I don't feel it's disrespecful. My parents thinks it would be disrespectful to my SO's parents if they insisted on be called "mom" and "dad". Not an universal opinion, just sharing how they feel. I do appreciate that people do things differently than my family or my SO's family. I'm not under assumption that my way is the ultimate truth. People can call their in-laws however they like and if everyone is ok with "mom" and "dad" then that's great. Just sharing an unsolicite comment to the topic at hand.

My advice to the OP and Lio wuld be that when you are introduced use the name they give. If she says "Hello, I'm Mrs. Smith" then call her Mrs. Smith". if she says "I'm Mary" then call her Mary. If she says "I'm Mary but you can call me mama" then call her mama. If you are not comfortable calling her mama (on the first visit or late)personally I think that it is ok. You can not call by any name since the likelyhood of you needing to address her with any name is unlikely or you can say "Would it be ok to call you Mary for now?". I do understand that it might be considered rude but I think personal comfort is also important and in-laws also have to understand that you are from a different culture.

1. In that case I apologize for interpreting wrong. Language barrier, I guess...
2. I agree with you on that account. I mean the second alinea.