Relationship crisis

[Moni19]

Hello guys! While going through a pretty hard time in my relationship I realised that I could ask for advice here. I'm in 2,5 year long very long distance relationship with a guy from Canada. It's been all going pretty well till my dad was diagnosed with cancer in May, it completely shook my world. Since then I am always stressed, worried and scared about future, that is all that I constantly have on my mind. And my boyfriend's life hasn't changed even a bit. I found myself feeling some sort of resentment towards him, when he calls me and happily talks about good things that are going on in his life, I feel like he doesn't care about me. I feel like when I talk about my dad he doesn't know what to say, or says the wrong thing, in general I just feel like we have two separate lives and I am completely alone with my fears and stress. The thing is, I know that all those feelings probably are not right and unfair towards him. How could he feel what I'm feeling if he's not me, how could he understand my fears if his life hasn't changed at all. I know that I can not expect him to completely be there for me, because in situations like this physical closeness is what makes you feel like you're not alone, there are no words left to say except "It'll be alright". I also know that none of this is his fault, I know he cares about me a lot and making him feel bad about being happy is horrible. As a result of all this, we fight a lot, our relationship has become pretty toxic, I know that if it goes on like that, I will loose him very very soon. I really really love him, but at this time of my life I do not know how to deal with my emotions, I do not know how to stop blaming him for everything.
Maybe some of you have gone through something similar and have some advice for me? I would really really appreciate it

[Sebsster]

Hello, that's a really hard situation and I'm sorry you're going thru that. All your feelings are completely understandable, you're going through a hard time.

have you tried telling him exactly what you wrote here? Sometimes the best you can do for a ldr is be completely honest and work on a solution together

[Moni19]

Thank you for replying We have talked about all of these things, yes. He feels that he can not do anything to change the situation and that I want an impossible thing. Also he feels like it is really unfair to him. And I understand it. He told me that he is not able to be in this relationship if the way I behave won't change, which I also understand and accept. So we have decided to not talk for two weeks while he's on a business trip, I told him I will think about it and decide whether I can work on it or not. So in this case, I don't think talking will help

[Sebsster]

I see, and it's true he can't change any of those things that happened but it doesn't sound like he's giving you the support you need. You are entitled to your feelings. Just because he can't fix the problems doesn't mean he can't be supportive and empathize with your situation

[Moni19]

Yes, but how would he show that support? What are the ways to do it in this situation?

[strongheart]

My SO knew me for a month when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He didn't know what to do as I cried all the time and was scared of saying the wrong thing. He didn't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with me. However he was solid by ringing and texting about the normal everyday stuff and this consistent support stopped me getting too distressed. I too felt at that time that he wasn't giving enough emotional support but I found I got that more from my sisters and girlfriends. He had also had an awful experience with his own father's illness and was petrified of hospitals.

Now I know him better I see he is very sensitive and can't change the way he is. Six years on we have been through so much in our respective lives and families and he is always there to listen. I know not to expect too much on the emotional bit but it doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Tell him how you feel - communication is key - maybe he could phrase things better or be a little more sensitive to your mood. Try not to get annoyed or upset -he may be doing the best he can. Take care x

[Lune]

Hey there.

You're definitely in a very challenging situation to deal with and that he cannot be there as much as you want him to be or would need him adds up to it. How is the support of other people like your family, friends that live around and so on?
I think when you get a devastating message like someone very important and close to you has cancer and your life is being turned with its effects, it is a thing that leaves you desperate and helpless but the same goes also to someone, who is not right there physically to support you. If he never got in touch with a crisis of life like that before, he might be overtaxed by dealing with how to say the right things or something that makes it better somehow. Maybe he tried to bring in something positive, when he talks about good things in his life, not as something to make you more sad but to be focused on other things than the change in your life in your conversations.
How do they go in general? How do you live your life? Do you still meet friends, have hobbies to keep you busy or own work? Anything that has you being concentrated on stuff that can give you some support as well by being constant and something "normal" of the time before your dad got the diagnosis? And do you talk about that also still or is the main topic your down feeling about the cancer and how to cope with it?

It's hard to judge what to do, but I think it's important not to drown too much but trying to keep your life going on stable as much as possible, what also could be a good thing to support your dad when you meet him and being able to tell him positive things, that don't let him worry too much about you and also are something different to what he has to go through now as well.

To your relationship and not talking at all for a while, maybe a pause can be okay, to get your head clear about it and stuff, but it also can make your brain work too much and making up thoughts that get too strong with time and let you do in some direction that cannot be avoided so easily anymore when there is no communication about it early enough that could have solved misunderstandings or toxic doubts. So even if only a bit every other day to stay in touch could be better.
What else do you do to try to deal with the change in your life? Perhaps it could help you to write it down, starting something new (a sport, learning an instrument or so) that can get you relaxed and busy or if it makes you emotionally so weak that there seems nothing else to do or no one to go to even a therapy could help to have some person who understands, and knows methods how to get along with what you have in your life and catch you in a way other people barely can or could because they are emotionally too involved or feeling helpless themselves.

It's a good start though that you see that what happened is not his fault and like Strongheart said he might already do his best in his eyes. It's not your fault either, it's a thing in life that no one really can control but you can control how you let it get the control over all your life.

All the best to you and that you both and you for yourself too find a way together =)

[Reyhoney]

My dad died in May, a pretty horrifying slow death with him being in the hospital for 2 months, and my BF has helped me through it by just being there, he didn’t know what to say, and I don’t blame him, how could he know? His life was also good cause he was going on vacations and parties but I was understanding that this could have been in reverse, and I would have felt hurt if he held it against me, that I found some happiness in a cruel world.

He constantly said he didn’t know what to say when I’d talk about my dad, and even now after 5 months have passed and whenever I bring my dad up, he goes silent, he admits he comes off passive cause he doesn’t know what to say, but he feels for me and understands.

Thing is when we grieve, there are no amount of words that will heal you or no magic words that will comfort you. I’ve learned that. I never even told people my dad was so sick cause I didn’t want cold words from people. No one will feel what you’re going through or relate except someone who has been through it before you, or after you.

Understand that your BF IS heartbroken for you, but probably doesn’t want to show it too much cause he would rather be strong for you. Also, I know it’s so tough now, I couldn’t see light at all, but no matter what happens, you will be alright... my dad died but in a way that’s okay cause all he’s ever known for the past 10 years was just pain, pain and sorrow and I’m relieved that he has peace now. I don’t stop thinking about him, but I try not to remember things or go into the dark corners of my mind cause it is just a rabbit hole you don’t recover from.

This is a phase, you will move on from it, you can either choose to make it help you get closer to your bf, or let it tear you apart, I say try the first cause you will need him to be there. Trust that he cares and is trying to help but maybe he’s just not good verbalizing it. This kind of thing is hard to talk about.

I think if you have a close gfs or siblings, your mother, cousin, or whoever you feel close to, to pour those feelings and fears into. I only remember crying with my sisters and holding them so freaking right is the ONLY thing that helped me. I wanted to be held, I wanted to be hugged, I wanted to cry into someone’s neck. I would go home to my kids after a long day at the hospital and I would hug them really really tight and that took the weight off my shoulders. What you need now is physical touch, more than words.

[Moni19]

Thank you all for replying! Hearing your stories and advices really helps so so much When it comes to support of family and friends, I avoid telling people about my dad's disease and how serious it is, I am afraid of people's reactions, seeing how they don't have what to say, I don't want to make people uncomfortable. The main person that is there, is my mom. But all of this is really hard on her, I don't trouble her with my issues or feelings too. My siblings are too small to understand anything. I am actively studying in a pretty difficult university program, so I would say I do keep myself busy. I'm also studying in other city than my hometown and go home on weekends, I do have friends in university, but they are not the kind of friends you want to cry to. With my boyfriend it is not like we only talk about cancer, it's quite the opposite, we don't talk about it at all. We mostly talk about his life, his career. I don't know, I just hope I'll manage controlling my emotions better and having smaller expectations

[Reyhoney]

You won’t trouble your mother hun, you both need one another now, even if it’s hard to do. I had many fights with my mom whenmy dad was dying cause neither of us knew how to deal and so we just expressed our fears loudly.

Let your bf support you in whatever way he can, you need to see that maybe that’s his best effort, and if it’s not, tell him exactly what you need to hear. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just gotta be honest and real.

My heart goes out to you, I just went through this and I’m still ways far from healing, I hope your dad pulls through and you never need to worry about him again.